I post this story every Christmas. It makes me smile and I hope it makes you smile too. Merry Christmas, Emma
Warning: T
his story includes thoughts of suicide. If you have any suicidal thoughts like Thomas, please, please speak to someone. There is always someone. You can dial 988, a suicide and crisis lifeline available 24 hours, seven days a week.*******
I wrote this five years ago. I re-read and re-publish it every year for Christmas. It makes me smile and I hope it makes you smile as well.
It's supposed to be heart-warming after all!
So grab a warm beverage or a glass of wine and enjoy.
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Writer note: I was feeling very depressed on the day I wrote this. The drive to transition, the ache of gender dysphoria, and the painful recognition that I am putting my entire life and loving relationships at risk, particularly during Christmas time, took me down a very dark hole. I wrote this to cheer me up. I hope you enjoy it.
Better Than a Dog's Life: A Transgender Homage to It's a Wonderful Life
Who Doesn't Like Golden Oldies Christmas Stories
Thomas stood on the railing of the pedestrian bridge. It was dark. The snow swirled around him.
No one was around. It was quiet except for the gurgling sound of the churning, frigid water. He continued to stare into the swirling darkness below. He felt the outer edge of the railing as he slowly pushed his feet closer to the dark abyss. Moments earlier he had desperately prayed that someone, anyone, would stop him.
No one answered his prayers.
Earlier that day he had finally admitted to his wife and to himself that he was transgender. That was impossible for his wife to accept, and he couldn't blame her. He had difficulty accepting it himself. His heart tore itself apart as he watched the unbearable pain he had just inflicted on his wife etch across her face.
They had exchanged words, angry, pain-infused words, unfiltered and totally selfish as they both felt their shared world exploded.
Thomas could no longer stay enveloped in their mutual agony. He was being shredded by their silence. He got in their car and drove away. He ignored the deep snow on the un-plowed roads as he careened around every turn. He had no idea where he was going. In his aimless confusion, he found himself in the lot of the local park next to the pedestrian bridge over a raging stream.
Months earlier Thomas had been diagnosed with gender dysphoria. He was transgender. He was dealing with an extreme drive by his subconscious to align his body with his internally wired gender. Simply put, he had a female brain inside his male biological body.
Every diagnosis recommended the same remedy, surgically readjusting his body to match his brain. In his heart, he agreed and truly wished he could transition but he was battling against a lifetime of male socialization, testosterone, and an overwhelming desire to protect the love of his life, his wife.
24 hours a day,7 days a week, for months he felt his heart and soul being torn apart by his personal need to transition against his deeply ingrained desire to protect his wife, and their life together, and not shame his family.
At 60 years of age, how could he transition? After endless days of turmoil and emotional pain, he now stood on the railing of this bridge.
Thomas climbed up onto the icy bridge railing. He felt his feet inch closer and closer to the railing edge, but before he reached the point of no return, he heard a loud splash and a muffled bark ... as if something or somebody had fallen in.
Something was in the water below.
Thomas could barely make out that an elderly dog was struggling to keep its head above water. Without hesitation, he leaped in to save it.
His body exploded with shock as icy water encased his body. He was barely able to move, but seeing the struggling dog desperately fighting to survive, Thomas managed to swim out, put his arm around the dog's head, and pull them both to the riverbank.
The dog looked at Thomas with cold, desperate eyes.
Thomas knew he needed to act quickly or they would both freeze to death. He got his footing, picked up the dog, and carried it to his car. He had left it running, assuming he was never coming back. Once the dog was in the passenger seat, Thomas quickly ran to the driver's side. He silently praised the heated seats he had selected as an option when he bought the car. Shivering, he cranked up the car's heat.
The dog next to him shook the water off his fur coat and said:
"Well, you certainly took your time getting me out of there!!!"In stunned silence, Thomas just looked at the dog.
"Would you mind turning up the heat on my side?" said the dog with a huff of impatience.
"I don't have any thumbs, you know."In dumbfounded obedience, Thomas complied, unable to speak.
A moment passed and then another. The dog had turned to the heater blower and moved his head back and forth using it as a blow dryer. Finally, with a slight growl of satisfaction, the dog turned its attention to Thomas.
"What did you think you would accomplish jumping off that bridge?"Finally able to find his own ability to speak, Thomas asked the obvious,
"You can speak?"The dog just gave Thomas the look only given to an idiot, shook his fur one more time and said,
"Really, that's the best you can do?"Admittedly, given a moment to think, Thomas had to agree, but after the emotional pain with his wife, recent suicidal thoughts, and actions, and finally a cold dunking in a frigid river, he wasn't ready to contend with a talking dog.
Thomas rallied. He turned to the dog and asked,
"Why did you jump into the river?"The dog cocked its head, looked Thomas in the eye with an obvious look of forbearance, and said,
"Because, Thomas, you were about to commit suicide."Thomas was again speechless. He thought back to the moment before the dog had jumped and realized that the dog beat him to it by jumping first.
The dog's look softened a bit.
"I knew you would jump in to save me."Finally accepting that the dog could talk, Thomas sat back in his seat, his mind finally defrosting from the cold and emotional overload. The talking-dog concept still didn't help his re-awakening rational mind.
"What were you thinking?" the dog said with sad anger once it realized that Thomas was starting to think again.
Thomas's mind began to connect with the painful reality of his life and the internal agony that discovering he was transgender had created.
The dog was aware of the sudden look of distress on Thomas's face. He turned more fully to face Thomas. He quietly asked,
"What would your death accomplish?""I wouldn't hurt, and I wouldn't hurt my wife and family anymore." Thomas said softly, almost to himself.
The dog put its paw on Thomas's shoulder and said with equal softness,
"That is just plain stupid."Still getting used to a talking dog, it was a stretch for Thomas to accept that he was getting scolded by a dog.
"Thomas, you have so much to give others just like you have done all your life. You just risked your life to save a drowning dog. You are quite a human being inside. Who cares what you look like on the outside?"Thomas thought about what he was being told. The dog was right. He was an idiot. Why should he throw away his life because he was worried about what people thought? If he had jumped, how would that have made his wife's life any better?
The dog continued to look at Thomas as Thomas continued to process what the dog had asked. The dog saw Thomas's soul rally back from the dark abyss that it had been about to enter in the cold, dark river. The dog saw the warmth of the car's engine switch to the warmth of Thomas's heart reawakening.
The dog took its paw off Thomas's shoulder, growled with satisfaction, and then the dog laid down on the seat to let the car's warm blower continue to do its job drying his fur.
The dog smiled at Thomas in a "dog's smile" sort of way and Thomas smiled back. The dog sighed and laid its head in its paws and said finally,
"Thomas, don't ever be that foolish again. You have a wonderful life; you just need to work things out. Remember it's better than a dog's life. You get to use an indoor toilet on a cold winter's night."The dog huffed once more and fell fast asleep.
At that moment came a frantic rapping at the car window.
His wife.
"Where have you been? We have been looking everywhere for you?"Thomas became aware of the man standing next to his wife. It was his best friend.
Thomas stepped out of his car and hugged his wife.
She whispered in his ear,
"Never leave me ever again. We are a team." They continued to hug until Thomas's wife realized he was soaking wet. She looked at him with questioning eyes.
Thomas shrugged and answered,
"It's a long story. I'll tell you all about it later. Let's go home."His friend chimed in.
"When did you get the dog?"The dog opened one eye.
Thomas smiled.
"We just met at the river."THE END
Writer's final note: I hope this story made you smile. I would like to dedicate this to my family, therapist, allies, transgender friends, and the LGBTQ community. The warmth of all of these collective hearts has kept me off the bridge.Merry Christmas everyone!
Emma
