Which hurts less

[KimOct]

A couple thoughts regarding EV's comments and some other stuff.

I understand Emma's need to step away for a bit - whether that be until tomorrow or next week or whenever.  This is a roller-coaster ride and I remember how difficult it was early on.  Sometimes you just need a breather to decompress.

I don't want to speak too much about Emma specifically during her absence (if you are reading Emma we support you)
but I do think EV brings up some interesting points regarding therapy.  Many people are very adverse to therapy for a variety of reasons including the ones EV mentioned.  Additionally when you throw the transgender husband issue into the mix I have to think that is going to scare many wives off the idea of doing therapy.

I had a very intense yet toxic relationship with an old flame immediately after my divorce.  There were enormous issues but our attraction was so intense.  I suggested couples counseling and she would have none of it.  She went so far as to say these exact words ' I will go but if anything is blamed on me I am out of there'.   We never went.  What was the point after that statement?

This stuff is hard - when you have a spouse that is afraid their life is about to be turned upside down it has to be a lot harder.  Yet we can't change who we are even to protect those that we love.  If we keep it in the closet it is only going to turn into something ugly.

I told Emma in this thread that this is not just for her ( although mostly it is ) but it is also for those reading it.  I think the continued discussion in general is still a good thing so long as we are not too specific regarding Emma.

If you are reading Emma we are thinking of you.  Hang in there.

[Emma1017]

Have you ever gone down hill on a bike and suddenly realized you were going too fast.  You feel the fear building and you pray you do not crash.  The fear doesn't leave until you know the brakes are working.

That's what happened to me the other day.

We were invited to friends wedding.  It was a big neighborhood one with 300+ people.  We knew many of them.  It was very binary.  The groom was a fireman so there were 50 firemen (I live in NYC) with their wives.

I really really love to dance and when my wife gets tired I am constantly asked to dance by other wives and girlfriends.  Its when I feel most female.

We went bar hopping until 2:30 am.  I danced everywhere and as I drank more, I let Emma dance more.  I felt the bike accelerate and it scared the hell out of me.  I was losing control of ME.

I'm not schizoid but we all have the public and private images that we show or hide.  I am not ready to come out and I was very scared.  I live in a very binary world.

I wanted to slow down and I needed to spend more time processing this. 

I am still very scared.

[KimOct]

Uncharacteristically for me I am not going to give any advice this time    I just want you to know that there are many people here that care about what is going on with you and how you are doing.  I have been thinking of you and hoping you are OK.

NYC huh?  I used to live on 75th between 1st and York.  440 E 75th -  the worst building in a very expensive neighborhood.

I remember having pieces of my old life that I enjoyed coming up as I was about to transition.  It was hard, I felt like I was going to leave a piece of me behind.
Hugs

[Emma1017]

I am afraid to let go.  There is a comfort of everything as is.  I know I have irreversibly changed but I hold on, dangling by my emotional finger tips, afraid to let go.

I have never known such emotional fear.  It is so drowning.  That's why I ran away from here the other day....and that's why I came back.

Until I force something or something is forced on me, nothing changes except me and very slowly.   At least I won't stop the HRT.  I feel like I am stuck and its my fault.

I want to stop writing because this has got to be boring and repetitious.   

How does this help? 

[Emma1017]

I have been playing this song a lot and I cry:

This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies,
this is me


I hope this helps.

[Dana Thompson]

I am going to read this whole thread, but wanted to comment right away because you ask such a poignant question and one I am trying to answer. I'm married and I am hurting my wife but I don't know if I can survive without transitioning.

I feel for you so much.


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[KimOct]

Dana I am sorry that you are hurting too.  I hope something on this site gives you insight and or strength.

Emma - I know that I have been encouraging you to continue to share and talk about these feelings but obviously it is your decision.  If you want to step away for whatever time you want to that is up to what is in your heart.

Both for you and those following this I want to share my experience from transitioning because it may provide some perspective.  I knew my entire life since I was 5 that I wished I was born a girl like many of us did.  So why did I wait until I was 55 years old?  Because I thought I would look ridiculous and that people would think I am crazy or that there is something wrong with me.  I didn't want to be the subject of ridicule or rejected by my friends, my family or even strangers.

But think about what I just wrote.  Why would I fear or expect any of those things.  Because I lived in the same world as all of you.  We are exposed to so much in this world that teaches us to be embarrassed and ashamed.  Ultimately we learn to have the thing I talk about so much - internalized transphobia.

You know what?  It is a bunch of crap.  Think about gay people.  Society has changed.  Most reasonable people no longer have a problem with gay people.  Transgender acceptance is coming.  I think we are a generation behind the gay rights movement.

But we live in this moment, in this time.  We are who we are.  The challenge to us is to reject all of the crap that we have absorbed our entire lives that tells us that there is something wrong with us. There are many theories and studies that have been done regarding what causes people to be trans.  I think it is worth reading when you are first coming to terms with this but at the end of the day it is who we are and not why we are.

Emma ( and others struggling )  really get inside yourself and sort this out.  Why are you so afraid?  I was and the reasons I state above are why. 

Why are you afraid?  I'm not saying you shouldn't be rather I am asking you to ask yourself what is this fear based on?
That you will be rejected? Laughed at? Lose people?  Look strange?  What is it?

The answer is your own transphobia.  If you thought there was nothing for others to judge you about then you wouldn't fear all that you do.  If your hair was red would you be ashamed and care what others think?  Of course not you would think that people that judge you for your hair color are idiots.  Well if it wasn't for how we have been conditioned then being transgender would be no different than any other characteristic.

The way to overcome the fear is to figure out what is causing it and then BEAT the fear.  Courage is being afraid of something but doing it anyway.  Not everyone is up to this.  They don't want or need it enough but that is something that only each of us can decide.
 
As Emma said in the title months ago - Which hurts less?  Only you can decide.

To Emma and Dana and anyone else that feels the same I wish you all peace.

[Emma1017]

You are right Kim.  Its all just panic attacks.  I am transitioning and I am trying to control it.

I want my wife to stay.  I believe that with glacier speed (growing ice not melting) she will choose to stay with me.  I am not sure but as you and others have said, she has to choose.

My choice was made weeks ago when I realized that I would take a bullet for her but I can't live the rest of my life with the endless emotional slices being cut from my soul.  I just can't.

I have to stay on my job for 2 more years.  I am professionally committed.  I have to present male for that long.

I hope the HRT gives me that time, YMMV.  In the meantime I have a lot to learn.

I have taken your advice EV, I have changed my gender marker to "F" on this site.  You are right, it felt good.

Yes Kim I will keep this thread going.  If it helps anyone survive this jungle that's all that matters.

Thank you all for being patient with me.


Hugs,

Emma

[Jessica_Rose]

Kim is exactly right, and I could not have explained it any better. We are scared to come out because we are terrified of how people will react. I knew this would turn my life upside down. My wife took it very hard. I hated knowing how much pain I was causing my wife, but it was the only way for me to continue living.

Emma, you may need to wear sports bras and baggy shirts to help hide your new accessories, but with a little creativity I expect you can keep things hidden for a few more years if necessary. I came out earlier than planned because I simply grew tired of hiding the truth.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Emma1017]

Hi Jessica Rose:

I am committed to transitioning.  That said I will need lots of advice on how to do so successfully.  Thank you starting with the practical...a sports bra.

I bought one for one of the days that I walked out as Emma so I have a head start.

I am at the end of my third month of HRT.  There is a slight change in my breasts.  I see it because I am looking really hard.  I totally get "YMMV" but I am hoping that I get through the summer without them being noticeable.  I figure in 18 months the cat will be out of the bag, hopefully just in my personal life.

I hope that my wife and I will have more clarity in the Fall.  I want the next 6 months to give her time to process.

She knows that I am on HRT.  At some point I think we will have to confront the obvious, particularly if my chest can't be ignored.  It will force the issue even if we can't find a away to deal with it sooner.

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Hey Dana:

This is scary and painful.  I hope my thread cuts through some of the pain and confusion you feel.  If not, you know that there are some excellent people here that only want to help.

Best wishes,

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma - Another thing I learned about this journey is that plans need to be made.  IMO that is the only way to get going.

Although plans are a necessary starting point - things change.  My strong guess is that this journey will evolve in ways you don't expect today.  Mine ended up dramatically different than I thought but that is the nature of all things in life but particularly this path.

As always wishing you the very best.

[Dana Thompson]

@Emma, it is eerie how we seem to be mirroring each other. I am also at the end of my 3rd month and am having similar results.

My wife also knows I am on HRT but seems to be ignoring the issue (like completely, you'd think everything was the same as always. She even says the way she deals with it is by not thinking about it). I am also both scared and hopeful that something forces the issue. I also am hoping to stay closeted at work for the next 18 months or so.

One thing that has been helpful is couples counseling. We literally never talk about this issue at home, but the counselor gives us a safe space to air things out. It's probably not the healthiest solution but it's all that's working right now. I don't know what I hope for. I am getting a little frustrated that I have to hide some of my developments at home, but I also don't want to hurt my wife or let this wonderful thing end.

I just want you to know I seem to be in the same spot as you.


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[Emma1017]

Kim when I read your post I just laughed......"Although plans are a necessary starting point - things change." ...wow I think finding out I am transgender at age 63 is the mother of upsetting the best laid plans. 

I never saw this coming and had no clue 18 months ago.  Then I was a guy contemplating what I wanted to do in retirement.  18 months later I suddenly have new "hobbies"...

But then again I have also met some really great people!

I think HRT and YMMV will set the pace of my planning but who knows what new landmines or pleasant surprises are out there on this journey.

I have learned from you and everyone else here that not everything is dark.

I bumped into this quote today:

     "Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the ability to act in the presence of fear."---Bruce Lee

[Jessica_Rose]

Emma, I never expected this either!

On my first day at work as Jessica we went out to lunch at Ted's Montana Grill. It didn't take long for me to notice the drink coasters, I kept one as a souvenir. It had a quote attributed to John Wayne:

Courage means saddling up even though you are scared to death.

This isn't easy, but seeing others on these forums who have successfully transitioned made me realize that I could do it too!

[Emma1017]

Hey Dana:

You have an advantage on me.  My wife absolutely refuses to go to any counseling.

I agree that we are going through one of the most profound non-life threatening human experiences there is and the most important person in our life rejects it.

They don't seem to understand that this is NOT a choice. Who in their right mind would choose this?

Honestly when Bruce Jenner announced he was transgender I had significant problems understanding it as well.  There is just no social support for this concept. 

I wish I could truly share the incredible pain and agony this has caused me.  It might create more sympathy but this is all an alien world to our spouses, friends and family.

It is absolutely clear to me that I must transition and it is with incredibly painful recognition that it doesn't depend on my wife accepting it.

I have tried every other option other than transitioning and I now understand they won't work for me.  I never really had a viable choice.

I hope we don't lose too much in the process and that our wives can rise above simply being tolerant. 

I want my best friend back.

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Jessica Rose:

I was so impressed by your video.  It was absolutely great!  You were very impressive and you epitomize "courage".

Wow,

Emma

[Paige]

Hi Emma,

I can't believe I missed this thread until now.  Your life has a lot of similarities to mine.

Thank you so much for posting your journey.

Paige

[Emma1017]

Hi Paige:

You start off feeling alone and then you come here and discover you are not.  There are so many parallels that we all share.

I'm glad you felt this thread was useful.

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma - I feel your strength returning.  This is a roller coaster ride.  You will hit low spots again but you will prevail.