Which hurts less

[GinaG]

I need a new suit. Unless we we skinny dip

[Stepheewt]

I think this is a very good thread Emma. It is your story, but it resonates with others. We have most excellent people on here. Hot lifeguards! Genuine laughter and tears! I am hoping when it is made into a movie that my part is played by Jessica Alba. She's a dead ringer for me. 

Oooooooooo.....yeah movie roles now that's amazing. Jessica might need to up her game to pull you off in all your glory. Need someone hot to play Emma too, got that cute thing down. I however will end up as a extra on set, have to get some more posts on here to be written into the movie role. But hey it's a cool concept and on another note I finally got my eyebrows right today.
Small victory but when the make up is good I'm so happy.

[KimOct]

Wow Kim 54 pages!  Am I wearing out my welcome? 

Far from it the story is only half over.  And when the story reaches its conclusion you will have to write the epilogue for those that are following on the path.

 
Oh, sorry ladies, was getting busy... I mean I was kind of busy!  I thought of a very famous phrase that seems appropriate here. " There is nothing to fear but Kim herself!"  Well, something like that!

Now I really have arrived.    I remember when B.T. was in her prime as a mentor.  ( I promised not to use her full nickname anymore because it violates site rules. ) Anyhoo.... when B.T. was in her prime she truly lived up to her nickname.  She was BAD.  She would put the fear of God into people by calling them out on their BS and asking them tough questions.  Hopefully I approach this with a little lighter hand than she did but I still buy into the theory that people that are fearful to move forward sometimes need a kick in the butt.  I know I did.  So I am merely passing that kick forward. 

[Emma1017]

OK in keeping with the spirit of this thread here is my six months on HRT update.  I want to share because I know I wanted this kind of information before I started HRT. 

The official team disclaimer is "your mileage may vary." (YMMV).

Physically:

     -Breasts:  Definitely larger with some shape (43" with a band measurement of 40").  They are regularly sore but
                     not crippling.  They are becoming more mobile.  I still man pass which will be critical for this summer for
                     me. 
    -Hair:  No more and no less on my head...sigh/  My body hair is thinning and growing back slowly if I shave an area

    -Strength:  really no discernible change

    -Skin:  Definitely.  It is so much softer.  I love how it feels.  I am a lot more aggressive with moisturizer now.

    -Face:  Really not sure.  I think I see a slight change but I could just be getting older

    -Senses:  My food cravings have changed....M&M Peanuts!!!  More wine and less beer.  No other big changes.

Mental:  I have heard many people talk about an increase in a sense of peace.  I don't know that I feel that HRT has caused it by itself.  I believe that my therapy and the verbalization on this thread plus HRT all got me to where I am right now, no shame, denial or guilt.  I still have anger (not severe or dangerous anger).  I think it's just frustration.  I am trying to balance my need to transition with my need to deal with the rest of my life.  I have this desire to scream "I am transgender and I am transitioning" while holding back because of legitimate (Yes Kim & Moni legitimate... ) timing reasons. 

I really wish there was a magic wand.

That's pretty much it.  Any questions?

Hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

While you to & fro over transition keep up the HRT and express your feminine self organically as you see fit.

Yesterday I rode a womans bicycle from the airport where I work to home in the suburbs 7 miles away. Womans top with obvious breasts and a long flowing skirt and shoulder length blonde hair. I got double takes from traffic & fellow cyclists.

  I still dont know if Im really trans.

While I was riding I was thinking is this really happening ?

While I agonise over transition I think I will take estrogen and present as a woman anyway !

Yours truly, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

Hi Kirsten:

You constantly inspire me as we run this marathon together.  You are setting a pace that I hope to catch up to.

I agree that this is a continuous and unstoppable process and I love the changes.

I promised myself that I won't go back to the barber to cut my hair any more.  I will figure out a way to make the hair work (let it grow, wigs, extensions, transplants, etc).

I need to find more ways to express myself, to convince myself that I am externally female.  It has to start at home and not doing it in secret like I have all my life.  I need my wife to begin to see me as Emma if I am to move forward.

Deep Breath In: 

    I need to commit to get her to understand, accept and support my reality.  I don't want tolerance and Emma is not
    going away.

Deep Breath Out.

Just waiting for that wave to come in before I jump off that cliff.  I see everyone waving from the water....

Hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Kirsten:

You constantly inspire me as we run this marathon together.  You are setting a pace that I hope to catch up to.

I agree that this is a continuous and unstoppable process and I love the changes.

I promised myself that I won't go back to the barber to cut my hair any more.  I will figure out a way to make the hair work (let it grow, wigs, extensions, transplants, etc).

I need to find more ways to express myself, to convince myself that I am externally female.  It has to start at home and not doing it in secret like I have all my life.  I need my wife to begin to see me as Emma if I am to move forward.

Deep Breath In: 

    I need to commit to get her to understand, accept and support my reality.  I don't want tolerance and Emma is not
    going away.

Deep Breath Out.

Just waiting for that wave to come in before I jump off that cliff.  I see everyone waving from the water....

Hugs,

Emma

I wish I was in the water. Im terrified and on the edge. I want to be a bad trans like Kim !

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

If you are wearing skirts, riding women's bikes with long hair flowing...Maybe your not surfing the big waves with the bad-asses Kim & Moni but Kirsten you are definitely in the water. 

I am still trying to find a bathing suit....

You know what is hurting the most right now?  I work in mid-town Manhattan and I am surrounded by well-dress women of all kinds and I keep hitting myself with the jealousy/sadness stick every day.  I love the flow of their dresses, the style of their shoes and the casual femininity as they pass.  I wish I had hair to flick off my neck.  It causes my greatest sighs.

I keep saying "some day..."

now where's that bathing suit?

[Kirsteneklund7]

If you are wearing skirts, riding women's bikes with long hair flowing...Maybe your not surfing the big waves with the bad-asses Kim & Moni but Kirsten you are definitely in the water. 

I am still trying to find a bathing suit....

You know what is hurting the most right now?  I work in mid-town Manhattan and I am surrounded by well-dress women of all kinds and I keep hitting myself with the jealousy/sadness stick every day.  I love the flow of their dresses, the style of their shoes and the casual femininity as they pass.  I wish I had hair to flick off my neck.  It causes my greatest sighs.

I keep saying "some day..."

now where's that bathing suit?

That lovely looking Emma from the avatar could get out there on the street, if only for a brief outing ?

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

Not fair Kirsten.  I knew I shouldn't have re-posted that photo....

I was suppose to go out yesterday with my make up artist to shop for shoes for a new dress we bought last month as Emma but she had to re-schedule for next Tuesday.

I really need to get my wife to accept me as Emma and a begin to see and get comfortable with me dressing as Emma at home.   

Massive fear on that cliff!!!!!!!

[Kirsteneklund7]

Youre right, that is a big one. You know & I know you will both be better off when the truth gets out there.

She already knows you are trans, that is half the battle won already.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

I truly hope my fears are bigger than the reality of that really tough conversation.

I am afraid of the pain I will see on her face. I am so afraid of hurting her.  That is the only fear that holds me back...stupidly I keep thinking I can still suck it up...

I know, a losing battle....massive sigh

[Stepheewt]

I agree that this is a continuous and unstoppable process and I love the changes.

Deep Breath In: 

    I need to commit to get her to understand, accept and support my reality.  I don't want tolerance and Emma is not
    going away.

Deep Breath Out.

Just waiting for that wave to come in before I jump off that cliff.  I see everyone waving from the water....

Great way to put it, Im on that trail, I'm taking the steps, going to happen, harder to hide the changes. It's going to happen. Need to lose weight, almost afraid and excited at the same time that the changes I can now hide (being a little over weight, wearing a Male Spanx Top)Will start to be seen by the whole world. I'm already at the point I wear the spanx top and a T-shirt at a public pool. My wife knows what it looks like and accepts it as hormonal issues(low T)Not sure she is on board with my dressing or make up. But I keep doing this in a forward motion. Feels like Im going to be wading further and further in the water, until Splash. Wow, tears me up to write this.

[Emma1017]

Really sorry for the pain you are feeling Stephee.  This process just stinks.

If I was alone this would be amazingly easier.  Hurting some one you love to just be you is so cruel.  It really shouldn't be that way.

[randim]

Not fair Kirsten.  I knew I shouldn't have re-posted that photo....

I was suppose to go out yesterday with my make up artist to shop for shoes for a new dress we bought last month as Emma but she had to re-schedule for next Tuesday.

I really need to get my wife to accept me as Emma and a begin to see and get comfortable with me dressing as Emma at home.   

Massive fear on that cliff!!!!!!!

Forgive me if this has been posted earlier in the thread, or if it's information you don't want to share, but does your wife know you've been doing hormones and electrolysis?  If so, she has to have an inkling or more of what you're going through.  Perhaps she would be receptive to Emma coming out in small, incremental steps?

[Stepheewt]

Really sorry for the pain you are feeling Stephee.  This process just stinks.

If I was alone this would be amazingly easier.  Hurting some one you love to just be you is so cruel.  It really shouldn't be that way.

As they say in church
AMEN......That becomes the fight, what pain is greater the pain of not being your true self or the pain of showing your true self to friends and family.....
It's like walking around just hoping some miracle will happen to make it all happen without the pain. I'm in a dreamland, then I wake up to reality.

[Emma1017]

Randim sorry, this thread has become too long.  I need to do a periodic recap more often.

My wife knows about the hormones and the therapist but not the electrolysis or make overs.  We are using "don't ask/ don't tell" to ignore the elephant in the room. 

I have been relying on the many things about me that have begun to changed to chip away at her denial.  At some point  the hormonal changes that will force the issue...

I know we will need to confront the facts one way or another within the next few months.

Stephee I keep looking for the magic wand....

[Emma1017]

OK wow I have rewritten this four times and almost deleted it twice.

I really am surprised that I will write this.  It is my last dark pain that I carry every day and the single reason that I hold back confronting my wife.

When my son finished his first year of college he was diagnosed with leukemia.  He fought it for three years and we all thought it was in remission.  For eight months he was happy and his life was in front of him.  He had a great girlfriend.  He started college again.

I got a phone call from his oncologist in that eighth month.  The leukemia was back.  That day I got home and walked in the door.  I was greeted by the incredible smiling face of my happy son and I was in absolute agony as I told him the cancer was back.  I saw his joy crumble and I was the one who destroyed it.  I killed his smile.

I know the cancer wasn't my fault but I was the messenger.  I pulled the trigger.

I am in absolute fear that I am about to do it again.  I am about to destroy the joy of some one I love and look them in the eye as I do it.  That is my darkest fear.  I don't want to do it again.  I don't know if I can handle the pain.  That is my deepest fear.  I don't want to see that hurt, that pain.

This is so bleak...so sadly painful.  I have held back here.  This is a darkness I feel every day. I have only shared this with my therapist...the only reason I write this is that damn promise I made to be honest...I want to shove this back in a corner some where.  I am truly sorry sharing this.

I am so sorry to you all.  There is a goodness here on this site that our own personal suffering has brought out and I feel like this entry is an unfair black emotional hole that I am dragging you into.  I am only sharing this because I don't want anyone to feel I am afraid to be me.  I am not afraid to transition.  I am afraid to hurt someone like that again.  I really don't know if I can or if I am strong enough (or selfish enough). 

Wow what lousy options...

Really sorry but thank you for tolerating this selfishness.  This is the worst I can offer and as dark as I can get.  Just delete this.

[GinaG]

Oh Emma.   I am in tears.  It must be be so hard. I am so sorry for your loss, and the horrible scar it must be. 

I do understand. There was a similar dark tragedy in my family.  More than one.  I have struggled too with fear and pain.  Words are not enough though. Know that you are deeply cared about. 

Love and many hugs.

Gina

[Emma1017]

Gina thank you.  I really don't know why I wrote all that.  It's not the way I am.  The only thing I can figure is that I really trust everyone here and I haven't trusted anyone like that before.

Maybe I am just abusing the anonymity this site provides. 

You all have your own pain.  Gina you said it yourself.  What is wrong with me?  I have never been this emotionally selfish in my life.  This damn process...what have I become?  Why am I this raw and exposed in public?  This is not me but I can't seem to shut up....

WTF!