Which hurts less

[Moonflower]

Still juggling my female gender and male gender presentation act. 

My wife is attempting to outgrow something similar. She's doing great wearing dresses when she feels like it . . . until she needs to use a bathroom and only gendered ones are available within reason. Our plan is for me to accompany her the first several times. It will have to be in places that are unpopulated so she can feel safe, and sure that no one will be discomforted by her presence and lack of ease in the unfamiliar environment.

In the meantime, she has a pair of men's sweat pants in the car that fit over her dresses. I can't imagine how she manages all of the layers at the urinals, but she says that no one notices.

[Emma1017]

Fortunately, Moonflower, the rule in the men's room is when you stand at a urinal is to mind your own business and stare ahead.  A wandering eye will get you beaten up for being gay.  Some bars post sports pages on the wall in front of the urinals to give you something to read while you pee.

[Emma1017]

OK, this has been a strange week.

For the last couple of days, I have felt like I was having transgender hot flashes.  Not the kind cisgender women have that causes intense heat and sweat.  This has been like getting hit by an ocean wave of gender emotion. It is a much more pleasant sensation than gender dysphoria. All I want around me are other women. Watching TV, I feel a massive connection to the female characters.  I have spent a higher than normal time checking out fashion on the internet.  Driving in my car I have searched out "Girls just wanna have fun" and "Man I feel like a woman" on the radio.  I daydreamed about a girl's night out, drinking shots of tequila and dancing until the sun came up.

It has all been more intense than normal.  This definitely a weird week...

Has anyone else experienced this?

[Oldandcreaky]

Connection matters to me, Emma. For decades, it was working with children, but then I grew old and creaky and can no longer keep up with children. Now it's pals and pooches. However, I also enjoy being alone in the woods and on the water. Balance is best.

[Emma1017]

O&C, it is hard to explain.

This has been a week of above-normal connection to everything female around me.  It has felt like a deep female resonance.

It is pleasant but it feels like when that buzz you get after that last drink.  Hormone overload?

[sandrauk]

I have always dreamt of that kind of experience, Emma.

I'm just back off holiday where we met a small group of girls along with a couple of their boyfriends. We got invited to join them for a night out, singing and dancing to those two songs, amongst others.

It was such a joyful experience, whilst the males sat looking awkward. Sadly, the bar shut at 11pm.

To quote Elbow "one day like this a year will see me right"

[Oldandcreaky]

When I think of female connection, I think of being with other women and hearing their stories, but not just any woman. Some women are dreadful storytellers, as are some men. And I don't just think of female connection requiring other women. I love how men relate to me. Dogs and children too.

I have had several dog owners say, "My dog really loves you. She only loves women, but she really loves you."

Dogs can suss us out with a sniff.

In Allie's blog, Davina mentioned her drag racing and Sarah B her lifesaving. Allie and I both asked for more info, which is what socially successful women do. Curiosity and connection are key to socially succeed.

Allie once observed that she knows all her stories and so would rather hear than tell. I'm the same way. I'm told all my stories. To tell them again bores me. So, I ask questions.

Of course, Allie's a journalist and I am too and if you're not curious, you should quit journalism and scan bar codes.

[Sarah B]

Hi Emma

You said:

Fortunately, Moonflower, the rule in the men's room is when you stand at a urinal is to mind your own business and stare ahead.  A wandering eye will get you beaten up for being gay.  Some bars post sports pages on the wall in front of the urinals to give you something to read while you pee.

Ever since I left school, I was thinking as usual I wanted or longed to be female and as is mentioned to others, do things that are female or feminine orientated.  Well, I knew females always sat down on the toilet and till this day, I have always sat down, when I needed to go to wee.  Yes, there was the occasional exception.

I hated the smell of men's urinals and just another reason to sit down in a cubicle.  My mum said to me one time, (the bathroom was next to mum's bedroom), "why do you sit down?" well I said; "it's dark at night and I don't have to worry about missing!"

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

[Maid Marion]

I've always had an easy time connecting with children.
I have a lot of lower body strength so I can lower myself to see them eye to eye.
That strength helps me with gardening activities.

[Emma1017]

My Transgender Manifesto
Happy Transgender Day of Visibility

-I will no longer be ashamed of being transgender.
-I will no longer feel any guilt nor will I let anyone make me feel guilty. This is not a choice for me. They can choose to leave me but I can't. It is who and what I am. Everyone else will need to accept it.
-I will change whatever I need to feel like me. It is not vanity, I need to be able to finally see me.
-I will stop being mean to myself. I am a good person and I deserve to be treated better by me.
-I will like myself. I have so many good qualities. I need to see them and value them.
-I will do all I can to help everyone in my life understand. Society has kept them as blind as it has kept me about the truth of what being transgender is.
-I will laugh. Transition can be fun if I am willing to laugh at myself and see the humor that transitioning is bringing to my life.
-I will not internalize the haters or the ignorant.
-I will fight for acceptance. I am worthy and I bring worth to the world.
-I will not be bullied.
-I will expect to be treated equally and with respect. This is not negotiable.
-I will accept my imperfections.
-I will be happy. I waited a lifetime to get here.
-I will have joy and will share it with anyone who will let me.

Dedicated to all my transgender, LGBTQ, and cisgender friends who helped me get here. I found out I am never alone.

[Jenn104]

My Transgender Manifesto
Happy Transgender Day of Visibility

-I will no longer be ashamed of being transgender.
-I will no longer feel any guilt nor will I let anyone make me feel guilty. This is not a choice for me. They can choose to leave me but I can't. It is who and what I am. Everyone else will need to accept it.
-I will change whatever I need to feel like me. It is not vanity, I need to be able to finally see me.
-I will stop being mean to myself. I am a good person and I deserve to be treated better by me.
-I will like myself. I have so many good qualities. I need to see them and value them.
-I will do all I can to help everyone in my life understand. Society has kept them as blind as it has kept me about the truth of what being transgender is.
-I will laugh. Transition can be fun if I am willing to laugh at myself and see the humor that transitioning is bringing to my life.
-I will not internalize the haters or the ignorant.
-I will fight for acceptance. I am worthy and I bring worth to the world.
-I will not be bullied.
-I will expect to be treated equally and with respect. This is not negotiable.
-I will accept my imperfections.
-I will be happy. I waited a lifetime to get here.
-I will have joy and will share it with anyone who will let me.

Dedicated to all my transgender, LGBTQ, and cisgender friends who helped me get here. I found out I am never alone.

Happy TDOV Emma!

Remember-- Joy is a form of resistence, maybe the best form of resistence.

~Jenn

[Emma1017]

Thank you, Jenn and Happy TDOV too!!! 

I love this: "Remember-- Joy is a form of resistance, maybe the best form of resistance."

[Emma1017]

Getting ready for the eclipse on Monday.  I have the special glasses and it's crazy but the best place to see it in New York City is the cemetery where our son is buried.  My wife and I couldn't think of a better place to be for that event at 3:25 pm on Monday.

It makes it extra special and he would have appreciated it.

[Emma1017]

Planning a two-week trip to Ireland with two other couples that we have known since we were teenagers.  We leave in nine days.  We are driving a circle around the coastline, starting and returning to Dublin. We did a few cruises with this group so we get along well except none of them know I am transgender.  My wardrobe will be of the "tomboy/tomgirl" variety.  Pubs are key to this trip.

We all stay away from politics because we are in different political camps.  Despite that, we laugh and keep the dialogue light.  Long friendships don't last if they require that everyone agrees with everything.  I do challenge anything said that is too extreme by applying common sense.  If that fails, I force the conversation to move on.  I hope to change opinions over time by applying facts versus the media's "truth" that people absorb too easily.

Hopefully, it should be a fun vacation.  I desperately need a vacation.

[LoriDee]

Sounds like a lot of fun, Emma!
Take lots of pics. That is a part of the world that I have never visited, but I have seen pictures of how beautiful it is. Traveling with old friends makes the experience that much better. Hoist a few for us here at Susan's! Hugs and safe travels!

[Oldandcreaky]

Emma, a couple years ago, I told you that you'd reach the point where, even though you were presenting as male, you'd be read as female. Has this happened to you? It happened to me, I think, because of my skin. Has your skin shifted to where you look in the mirror and it's clearly woman's skin?

Your D-sized breasts are a gender marker I've never had and I remember you're saying that people apparently miss your breasts because they still read you as male. You're going to a land of strangers where everyone there will read you for the first time. I wouldn't be surprised if some don't assume you're female because of your breasts and your donning androgynous clothes. You'll soon see.

[davina61]

Have fun dear and a few drops of the black stuff.

[Gina P]

Ireland in the spring time sounds lovely. I'm green with envy.(pun intended) Enjoy.

[Emma1017]

Thank you for the good wishes.  I promise to hoist a few Guinness to toast you all!!!

O&C, on other trips I went out with the wives while the guys waived off and stayed at the hotel.  Each time when we ordered wine, the waiter/waitress started with "What would you ladies want?".  I loved it every time. Yes, my face does reflect 4 years of HRT and I do see Emma in the mirror all the time. I  have facial hair, a deep voice, and a receding hairline, so most read me as male.  I enjoy the confusion that I generate occasionally.

A wig, makeup plus a dress, and the "guy" disappears.

[Oldandcreaky]

O&C, on other trips I went out with the wives while the guys waived off and stayed at the hotel.  Each time when we ordered wine, the waiter/waitress started with "What would you ladies want?".  I loved it every time

I'm happy for you. After forty years of hearing "ma'am" and "ladies," I still haven't tired of it. So, HRT has changed you. Does your wife see it and if so, does it negatively affect her?