What do i do? Feel so lost

[gwencook]

Hey all,
So its been a long time since I was last on this site so a bit of quick catch up. I recently moved to a new country to live with my dad and his wife and my younger brother and sister. Things have been brilliant with them and I even got  job working with my dad. So at least in some aspect of my life I'm doing brilliant.
But for the dysphoria part of my life things haven't been great at all. For a while I truly believed that my dysphoria was influenced from being sexually abused from 18-23 but I'm starting to think that there is 100% more to it. I've also accepted that I had trans thought before the abuse even started. And now its just constantly on my  mind. I'm trying to do everything to get rid of it and not let it bother me but it just not working.
One of the problems I currently face is that I fully know it will affect my family a great deal and especially in terms with my brother. He's introduced me to some of his mates who instantly welcomed me to the group and straight away classed me as a brother and one of their own. For the few hours I'm with them its not a problem and its like its not even there (probably because I've never been able to socialise like this). But then a few hours later or once I get home its a case of all these feelings come back especially as I get more drunk.
I know that my family has started asking what is wrong as I haven't been myself recently and im trying to pass it of as nothing. This has been more so with my stepmom who has become my second mom were that  close. She made me promise the other day that if anything was wrong I'd tell her or someone so that I don't bottle things up and cause further problems with my anxiety or stress. I feel terrible for holding back and not explaining the slightest bit so that it can help. I known my dysphoria is linked to so many things like my anxiety stress levels social engagement etc but I'm worried that once I start opening my mouth everything will spill out and that if they reject me I'll be sent back on a plane to the  UK.
I'm sorry that's all so confusing but I had to writes it down.
Much love xox

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Gwen.

Being transgender does not come from childhood abuse, or anything else in life.  It is a feature we are born with.  Options for getting rid of dysphoria are limited.  Some people just live with it, and more power to them, but that doesn't seem to be working for you.  For most, some degree of transition is necessary.

Have your family given any indication, via transphobic attitudes or statements, that they would reject you?  You might want to start sounding out their attitudes.

Your stepmother sounds like she might be the one to approach first.  She already knows that something is wrong and wants you to talk about it.  You could sound her out by admitting that, yes, there is something bothering you, but that you are afraid to talk about it because you are afraid of the family's reaction.  Seeing how she responds to that will give you an indication of how a full revelation would go.

When it comes right down to it, you have to do what is best for you.  If you are dependent on your family, you might have to bite your tongue and say nothing for a while.  If there is no dependency, then you have to eveluate whether it is worth sacrificing your own emotional health for the sake of your family's complacency.  For some people, that is a valid trade-off.  For many, it is not.

Above all, be strong.

[Virginia]

Being transgender does not come from child abuse, but sexual fantasies about becoming a woman, the need to dress as woman, extreme guilt related to masturbation, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals are all common to cigender men who experienced childhood abuse and are easily mistaken as symptoms of ->-bleeped-<- and Gender Dsyphoria. One in Six men are sexually abused so these are all quite common among cisgender men. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm

[Karen]

Being transgender does not come from child abuse, but sexual fantasies about becoming a woman, the need to dress as woman, extreme guilt related to masturbation, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals are all common to cigender men who experienced childhood abuse and easily mistaken as symptoms of ->-bleeped-<- and Gender Dsyphoria. One in Six men are sexually abused so these are all quite common among cisgender men. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm

This is concerning.   What constitutes abuse and if it is a product of abuse?   vs a symptom of being truly transgender?     

Karen

[Virginia]

This is concerning.   What constitutes abuse and if it is a product of abuse?   vs a symptom of being truly transgender?

EXTREMELY concerning. Prolonged therapy for suspected trauma would exacerbate a transgender person's agony in delaying their transition. The misdiagnosis of my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as Transgender Gender Dysphoria nearly cost my marriage and everything I had spent the best part of a lifetime building...and never addressed the root cause of my need to express myself as another gender.

"What constitutes abuse"
Trauma is a very individual thing. An experience that is traumatic to one person may not be to another. For this reason trauma is not defined by specific actions, but rather the impact an experience had on an individual. They are the only one who can know if their boundaries have been violated.

"and if it is a product of abuse?   vs a symptom of being truly transgender?"
It can take years of therapy to discern the difference, particularly for a  transgender child who experienced similar abuse. Therapy is a critical first step. Abuse does not cause ->-bleeped-<-. Given 1 in 6 men are sexually abused, trauma is the likely diagnosis for someone with transgender symptoms who was been abused as child.

[Karen]

EXTREMELY concerning. Prolonged therapy for suspected trauma would exacerbate a transgender person's agony in delaying their transition. The misdiagnosis of my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as Transgender Gender Dysphoria nearly cost my marriage and everything I had spent the best part of a lifetime building...and never addressed the root cause of my need to express myself as another gender.

"What constitutes abuse"
Trauma is a very individual thing. An experience that is traumatic to one person may not be to another. For this reason trauma is not defined by specific actions, but rather the impact an experience had on an individual. They are the only one who can know if their boundaries have been violated.

"and if it is a product of abuse?   vs a symptom of being truly transgender?"
It can take years of therapy to discern the difference, particularly for a  transgender child who experienced similar abuse. Therapy is a critical first step. Abuse does not cause ->-bleeped-<-. Given 1 in 6 men are sexually abused, trauma is the likely diagnosis for someone with transgender symptoms who was been abused as child.

Thanks.  What is DID?

I have been diagnosed with severe gender dysphoria.  But have had therapists suggest emotional abuse and fetishes or fantisies that grew...which have hurt and angered me. 

[gwencook]

Thanks for the responses
The sexual abuse didn't start until I was 18 and there were pre thoughts before that even started. When it happens I went into myself each time it happened and I imagines that I was a woman with someone else to try and help. And because it happened about 4-6 times a day for 5 years it makes me wonder if it had an impact?

[LizK]

Hi Gwencook

I had similar issues growing with abuse starting at about 11 or so and this 6 months of abuse tracked me my whole life causiong all sorets of issues and not just about being trans. I fed into the whole narrative about being respoosible for my abuse and that without the abuse I wouldn't be trans...I believed that in my heart of hearts for so many years which led to the self loathing I felt. Then one day something very simple happened that chnaged my life forever. During a therapy session I remembered clearly soething I thought had happened but was never entirly sure that I had not made it up.  That memory was of my need to be a girl befoer the abuse started. I actually think now that I was vulnerable because I was trans and noit the other weay round.

Once I accepted the truth of my own memories my perfecttly neat little scenario just didn't work anymore...if the child abuse wasn';t responsible for me being trans then........OMG I'm trans Once I stopped being dimissive of my child abuse and linking it to being trans then I had to deal with it.


I spent so much wasted time thinking about my childhood trying to remember what happened. Forcing those memories to come and what did it change? what did it make easier? what became clearer?...nothing. All that wasted time and energy amounted to nothing because whgatever happened in my childhood changes nothing...I was trans when I was born and I will be trans when I die unfortunately I was a little slow to pickup on this.

I hope you can find a way forward that gives you some peace and keeps things intact for you and your family.

Take care

Liz

[Virginia]

The mind cannot be forced to remember. It's ability to distort our memories to protect us from things too painful to remember is astounding.  I had NO idea about the abuse I experienced as a child, let alone that it took five people to keep up the self delusion that had enabled me to life a happy normal life for 48 years. THREE years into therapy the the time/memory loss flashbacks and nightmares began, I was rediagnsoed with DID and refered for trauma recovery therapy. Some people are able to lock away the memories of their childhood abuse for a lifetime.

Thanks.  What is DID?

You are very welcome. DID is the acronym for Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder/MPD). It is a an extremely severe psychological disorder developed by people who have an innate tendency to dissociate and experience sustained life threatening trauma as children in an environment that reinforced their dissociation for long periods of time. The child's mind splits into separate identities to protect them from the feelings and memories of trauma.

My feelings about how wrong I felt to be a boy existed long before the sexual abuse. My trauma therapist explained I was given "an inconsistent gender message during critical stages of childhood development." As the layers began to unfold in therapy, I remembered my parents giving me a female cousin's hand me downs to wear; the impact growing up as an only child in the country whose only playmates were the girl next store and my girl cousin when I stayed with my Grandmother while my Mother worked; with as much as my Father tried to man me up, my Mother had wanted a girl and treated like one. And the last and most painful memory to recall; that she molested me. This inconsistent message combined with my child's mind deciding it was somehow okay for a girl to be raped by my older male cousin led to the development of my female alter.

There are five of us in my System; me, an 8 year old boy, a 13 year old girl (she posts here as "Flytrap"), a Protector and an alter to coordinate the rest of us. I was misdiagnosed as a transsexual with Gender Dysphoria when Flytrap became self aware and tried to take over the body after a midlife crisis caused me to have a mental breakdown in 2009.

[Karen]

Thank you so much for sharing so openly.   Wow.  I can't imagine.   You are so courageous. 

This helps me.  My therapist diagnosed severe gender dysphoria and high anxiety, which I agree with.   My gender feels are life long and feel separate from my childhood insecurities and issues.  Ie  Learning challenges, stress and yelling in my home, yelling with my father through my teens.  My therapist described theses as minor trauma...which I believe drove feelings of not being good enough and determined to fit in / be accepted and prove others wrong.   This made me very busy, determined and phobic of weakness enabling me to suppress many of my gender feelings til recent years.     It's this feeling of not being good enough or not accepted that is the largest driver of my social and transition related anxiety. 

Hope this makes sense. 

Thank you.

Karen

[Virginia]

You are very welcome, Karen. I am pleased to know I have in a small way helped you affirm your identity and to separate it from the effect of the things you experienced as a child.