Hello. Im new. New to everything. I need someone to tell me what to think, what do do. I am coming unraveled at the moment as this is all just too much for me to handle. I try to tell myself this is all in my head, but i know its not. Heres my story........
I am a man (
?) I am the father (
) of three beautiful girls. I am attracted to women (I adore women in every way and have always wished i could be one) I was married until relatively recently and am now seperated and I have not seen my wife in over a year.
Ive become aware of some things recently and the pieces seem to suggest everything has never been as it seemed.
First of alll, i never had a birth certificate. Not until i was about 10 years old, and then one was just printed up for me. My parents told me it was because the doctor who delivered me died immediately after. This now sounds like bull->-bleeped-<- to me but as a kid i never questioned it, even though without a birth certificate, i was excluded from so much.
I never remembered much of my childhood before age 8 or 9. I never knew this was not normal. When I was 37 years old my doctor prescribed adderall of ADHD, something that plagued me my whole life and had always prevented me from doing other than living in the moment. I never saw the connections. Every day seemed like a whole new start. When i began taking adderall, everything changed. My early memories came flooding back. Memories of being without a gender, or later on id
entifying as a girl. Memories of severe punishments for my non-conforming behavior. Memories of. my unrelenting insistance that i was not the boy i was being mads into.
I remember being told by family members as a young "boy" that i "would have made a pretty girl". The only pictures of me that exist from my early childhood im dressed ambiguously and, in fact, look quite femminine, with long blonde curls.
My penis is quite small and has very unusual scarring. I never realized this. I have lived as a straight man and have never seen another mans penis. Otger injuries and subsequent surgeries have made me realize that my penis looks as though it was stitched together.
Lastly, when i began asking questions about all this, my family, my wife and most all of my friends all ran for the hills and will no longer have any contact with me.
Oh, and....i have always crossdressed. I have always got great comfort from womens clothing. I have always slept in a womans nightgown and until my early twenties, when romantic relationships started dominating my life, i always looked forward to the end of the day, putting on that nightgown, getting into bed, closing my eyes and reliving every day as a girl.
At some point i just list myself and erased all that from my mind and begin seeing myself as a straight man. I was very happily married to a women i was so very in love with at one time and although the sex was goid and i was very attracted to her, i began to realize something just wasnt right. Its been a long time since then. This is where i am today.
Please help me!
