The call me mom or dad train of thoughts

[Shambles]

Really interested to hear off some parents here, whats best for the kids? Ill always be their biological dad but at some point went things are talked about with them i really dont want to be dad.. its mom all the way but is that best for them?

Is there no right answer here?

I have 2 kids in the 5-7 age range. I hear some people say that if someone transitions they will always be dad but how does that work in say shops? Kid - "dad can i get this?" Kinda makes me cringe a bit.

Its a little way off for me in reality and thinking out loud a bit but are there a mix of both view points out there?

[Arianna Valentine]

Really interested to hear off some parents here, whats best for the kids? Ill always be their biological dad but at some point went things are talked about with them i really dont want to be dad.. its mom all the way but is that best for them?

Is there no right answer here?

I have 2 kids in the 5-7 age range. I hear some people say that if someone transitions they will always be dad but how does that work in say shops? Kid - "dad can i get this?" Kinda makes me cringe a bit.

Its a little way off for me in reality and thinking out loud a bit but are there a mix of both view points out there?

I know it's really rough when you're a woman and they call you Dad but I think it's best to let your kids adjust in their own time and not try to overly Force it if you know what I mean my daughter's I let them do stuff on their time I don't want them doing something that they don't want to do but at the same time I let them know how I feel about it they are 8 and 14 by the way

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[KathyLauren]

We have no kids, but we do have a dog.  I decided to still be "dad" to her to avoid confusion.  But I have trouble gendering myself correctly when I do that, as in "Dad will take you out as soon as he she gets his her shoes on."  Something about my inner grammarian needing to parse the sentence correctly.  I have to come up with something else and hope the hound gets used to it.

[kaitylynn]

My kids both took it upon themselves to shift with my transition and came up with MaDa as a descriptive nickname encompassing both my sides to them.

I wrestled with how to approach this when I started my transitioning effort in the 90's.  My kids were very young and I had decided that they would be the only ones I would give the "pronoun pass", but they took care of it for me!

If the kids are old enough, you might take time to discuss their feelings on everything and then voice how you would like them to address you.

[hiddengirlsheila]

Luckily i have no kids...yet or if i will ever have kids and i'm 30 years old. I have had many girlfriends though but never been married. Since i'm uncomfortable with using my male genitals, if i wanted kids i would probably have to adopt some. Though I heard they are making it possible for transgender women to get pregnant but i'm not sure how or if that is true or not. I know genital surgery can give you a vagina but that's just cosmetic and during sexual intercourse you dont feel the same pleasure a cisgender woman does down there but apparently somehow they are creating a way for a trans woman to get a cisgender woman's reproductive system and a womb...if you ever start dating men or if your wife is ok with you being a swinger and you want more kids you'll biologically be a mother. That actually sounds amazing being the woman i am inside but kind of scary at the same time.

[Devlyn]

I don't have kids, so I can say with confidence: You let them young'uns call you anything they want. This is one situation where your transgender status takes a back seat.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Megan.]

Mine are 6 and 4, when i suggested a change in names, they both quickly stressed that 'dad' was their preferrence. It's not yet caused any trouble in public, and I suspect that when they become more aware of the implications of it, they'll want to change it, but it'll be on their terms, and I'm fine with that. X

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[Megan.]

I don't have kids, so I can say with confidence: You let them young'uns call you anything they want. This is one situation where your transgender status takes a back seat.

Hugs, Devlyn

Totally agree [emoji4]

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[hiddengirlsheila]

I don't have kids, so I can say with confidence: You let them young'uns call you anything they want. This is one situation where your transgender status takes a back seat.

Hugs, Devlyn

I agree but to me it would be unacceptable to be referred to by male pronouns, i would want my kids to view me as the real me, not conform to what society arbitrarily dictates a male or female role should be...walk up to any cisgender woman and say "hey dude", she'll look at you weird and she wouldnt like that. Just because you assisted the mother in giving birth with sperm doesnt mean you should be called a dad, asexual amoeba's have offspring, we dont call them a mother or father...

[Devlyn]

I agree but to me it would be unacceptable to be referred to by male pronouns, i would want my kids to view me as the real me, not conform to what society arbitrarily dictates a male or female role should be...walk up to any cisgender woman and say "hey dude", she'll look at you weird and she wouldnt like that. Just because you assisted the mother in giving birth with sperm doesnt mean you should be called a dad, asexual amoeba's have offspring, we dont call them a mother or father...

One of our failings as a community is spreading the "be selfish" mindset. When you're dealing with your children, they come first.

[Sonja]

I know it's really rough when you're a woman and they call you Dad but I think it's best to let your kids adjust in their own time and not try to overly Force it if you know what I mean my daughter's I let them do stuff on their time I don't want them doing something that they don't want to do but at the same time I let them know how I feel about it they are 8 and 14 by the way

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@Arianna Valentine @Shambles
I totally agree with Arianna and Devlyn, let them adjust naturally. I watched a really cool youtube video about a transwomen talking about this subject and explaining how she had asked her kids if they were ok with having a 'female dad'.. She went on to explain that both her children had chosen to continue calling her 'dad' and she accepted that that was what they wanted and needed.

Sonja.

[Megan.]

'Dad' only carries a gender meaning to you if you let it, otherwise it's just another word,  'lettuce' is just as meaningful!

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[hiddengirlsheila]

One of our failings as a community is spreading the "be selfish" mindset. When you're dealing with your children, they come first.

I know that but if you're a transgender woman you shouldnt be referred to as a male just for the sake of your mental stability of having dysphoria and your peace of mind and having a healthy relationship with your kids. If you still get viewed as a male, what is the point in transitioning your body physically to be female? You might as well live the illusion of pretending to be a male when you're not. Wouldnt it be awkward to be called as a male when you're transitioned and looking female? The most important people in your life (like your kids) should learn to see you for who you are inside and not just because you had a penis at one point. They have to accept you are really a woman inside and learn to adapt to seeing you as a woman on the outside too and as your true self to really have affection happen. Transgenders who still had/have the penis are "->-bleeped-<-s" and really that's not an appropriate term for a transgender either only in the porn industry is that really used although trans people are really mixed sex people or a third gender, if you want to eliminate being halfway and be fully female of course you need genital surgery not just HRT that feminizes you apart from having male genitals like you couldnt wear the bottom portion of a bikini at the beach without it being obvious you were still partly male. Androgynous is basically that third gender, the idea of being female AND male at the same time. So what should your kids call you Momdadda? Lol

Now some of us get wives and have children with them because we want children of our own with our DNA that we didnt adopt even if it was painful to use the penis that is part of having a wrong body, some try to live as a male by marrying a woman and see if they can be cured of their dysphoria, some try to escape their dysphoria and deny they have it by being with a woman but technically your relationship with that woman is a lesbian relationship. With a female brain a transgender woman has she also might want to be with a man to have a relationship with, it depends if she's eager to take things the same way most cisgender women do but sexuality has little to do with being transgender. I personally am bisexual but if i was a straight gal i would technically only be with men...

Also if you were born as a straight trans girl, you wouldnt marry a woman but we're born with a female brain naturally, it does seem like most of us transgender people are born bisexual as well.

Another thing, selfishness has little to do with wanting to experience life in an authentic way as the woman you are inside, the idea is to live life to the fullest, you may make some sacrifices having children which is one of the reasons why i dont have any right now. It's not about chasing fame and glory but to be happy and content and comfortable so that nothing harmful happens. It is harsh to force your kids to accept you but you hope they do in time. I ought to eventually look into adopting lost children and children who are hurting and alone and abandoned in need of love.

[Megan.]

... If you still get viewed as a male, what is the point in transitioning your body physically to be female?...

The most important part is how YOU view yourself, not others. At that point names or labels are quite irrelevant.

... Wouldnt it be awkward to be called as a male when you're transitioned and looking female?...

Yes, sometimes it can be, but life isn't perfect - for anyone. If it makes two small children feel happy and secure for a while until they adapt, it feels like a fair price.

... The most important people in your life (like your kids) should learn to see you for who you are inside and not just because you had a penis at one point...

They will, in time, give them that time.

... Transgenders who still had/have the penis are "->-bleeped-<-s" and really that's not an appropriate term for a transgender either only in the porn industry is that really used although trans people are really mixed sex people or a third gender, if you want to eliminate being halfway and be fully female of course you need genital surgery not just HRT that feminizes you apart from having male genitals...

You seem to be confusing internal gender identity with physical sex characteristics. If I have a penis or don't, that has no bearing on how I feel inside and my own identity. It's rude to many members here to suggest they are 'less' because they don't choose to or are unable to have HRT or surgeries.

... like you couldnt wear the bottom portion of a bikini at the beach without it being obvious you were still partly male..

This is true, so I wear a swim dress at the pool. A simple and easy workaround for the happiness of my children.

... Androgynous is basically that third gender, the idea of being female AND male at the same time. So what should your kids call you Momdadda? Lol...

"Maddy" and "Dee" (for Daddy) are both quite popular names for transfemale parents. I will never take the title of Mummy or Mother for my children, that is their biological mothers name. There is NOTHING funny about this.

Another thing, selfishness has little to do with wanting to experience life in an authentic way as the woman you are inside, the idea is to live life to the fullest, you may make some sacrifices having children which is one of the reasons why i dont have any right now. I ought to eventually look into adopting lost children and children who are hurting and alone and abandoned in need of love.

Most parents (including me) will tell you that having children utterly alters your priorities and perspective. It would be a great thing if you were to support a child, I suspect it might alter some of your views. X



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[DawnOday]

I understand. When I came out I was really scared that they would have nothing to do with me. Luckily they said for me to do whatever makes me happy. Then they told me You are our Dad. You've always been our Dad and will alway be our Dad. Ok so I waited all my life for this development I was anxious to reveal my female side that had lain dormant for so many years. But then I thought about it. The estrogen is bringing my brain which formed under the influence of it . I no longer have depression, or anger.  I get to attend my meetings. I can do just about anything I want. My wife still loves me as do the kids. Sometimes you just have to count your blessings. I saved my marriage of 35 years, my kids who are grown don't really worry about it, They do call me Dad but like I said sometime you have to count your blessings. I think, I have hidden all their lives the me who should have come out in the 70's buy then I would not have had these kids. My son saved my life when he was born. I was on track to kill myself on drugs and booze and if not for my son, I would not be here today, So I think maybe where immediate family is concerned it's not all that bad to compromise.

[hiddengirlsheila]

Megan, if you read my other statements, i apparently am not confusing internal gender identity with physical sex. I know gender is psychological whereas sex is biological but the body doesnt determine who you really are, there shouldnt be any limits like that which most people are brainwashed and indoctrinated with. The gender you are mentally doesnt have to match the sex of your physical body and with the wrong body that hijacked your true perception of yourself and your female brain that you realized at a young age your true naturally ingrained identity, it makes it difficult and uncomfortable and challenging to live life fully without transitioning. That is all i'm saying. I'm not even on HRT myself yet. The wrong body needs fixing and correcting, if you want to live in a body that is a genetic mistake and deformity then like cancer we shouldnt try to cure cancer either. As transgender people we need medical attention and that is by transitioning, we also need psychological support. If the solution was not to transition we wouldnt even be having this conversation and we would all still look like men.

As far as children, i'm not sure about it. I have a hereditary genetic disease that i dont want to pass down to my kids either so that's another reason i would choose to adopt kids. I know very little about raising a kid, i admit, not sure i am even interested and if i would be a good parent, i probably wouldnt be a good parent with the way my life is right now. I know names and labels dont mean anything in the long run but it can impact you in terms of self image and it can be derogatory, you just have to ignore the male pronouns i guess. Not everyone will see me as a woman and i'm okay with that, the point is i see myself as a woman.

[DawnOday]

Sheila.. Megan and I are late transitioners as is Devlyn. We had our families along the way while portraying a male we never really felt comfortable with. But we followed the mores of the time. Transgender was not even a word until the late 80's - 90's. No, we had derogatory names. It was like being called the n word . It is not good practice to throw out derogatory remarks like "got a penis your a ->-bleeped-<-". No I am transitioning Transwoman who cannot take my transition beyond HRT because I have too many health problems. It does not make me a ->-bleeped-<-. Beyond the parts we are formed in two distinct steps in which are bodies are formed in the first trimester and our brains develop in the second and third. If there is any hiccup along the way like giving our moms female hormones in massive doses along the way. We end up with female brains. It really doesn't matter the fact I have a penis, is your problem not mine. If I were born today, I would probably transition in my teens. I would probably have all the surgeries. By now I would be a walking, talking female. I would not be married with kids and that would be a great loss as my kids have been my whole life. From holding a job to coaching a hockey team. My kids are a blessing and that is why I am willing to compromise no matter what their age.

[hiddengirlsheila]

Yeah, i apologize for the ->-bleeped-<- comment, i regret that. I even said it was inappropriate to call us that though. I am just letting my dad influence me a little bit and i shouldnt allow that to happen because he's kind of a bigot. I just want genital surgery in the future personally, not just HRT but that's me, we all transition in different ways to become more of who we really are.

It's great you respect your kids choices too and yes we are wired and ingrained with a female brain since birth.

[warlockmaker]

Your children cannot be compared to other members of the family and general public. I have 4 children from 34 yrs old to 7 yrars old. They have the choice to choose how to address me , and they chose to continue to call  me dad, all their friends know about me and are amazingly supportive, and I am not sure of the pronoun used and dont care. Dad has a special place in their heart of how we have helped raise them. I dont see it as male driven but how we give them security and love. They call me dad in public, its normal. Besides, not sure if their mothers would be offended if their title is usurped.

I feel that we as a group are over sensitive regarding how we are addressed. I only get upset if gender identification is used to abuse me. So many of us do not pass and yet get so upset if someone makes a mistake. Life should not be so confrontational.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Shambles,
                       I have 2 sons 8 & 9. To them I am dad - even when en femme. I would never presume to be mum while their biological mother bore them & breast fed them & is mother hen to them. I wouldn't want to undermine her position as their natural mother ( earned through biology & hard work). However womanly I become I will never eclipse the woman who gave birth to them .
My personal take, Kirsten[emoji126]

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