Should I be happy or sad? Or both?

[randim]

Had an interesting session with my therapist today.  We were discussing being non-binary and she opined, while encouraging me to push back, that I came across as someone that identified as a woman but one who was afraid to transition.  I did push back some.  I am not at all sure of myself.  But still, there is some part of me that was elated.  Still elated.  And another part part saying "but, but, but..."  Think I'll just go beat my head against the wall for a while to relax.

[Sinclair]

Please do not bang your head against a wall!! When I get frustrated I find playing one of my fav video games helps drain and distract the stress. I feel much better. Best wishes, sorry I can't be of more help sweetie!

[DawnOday]

Just be honest with yourself and the therapist. From my experience I have known from a young age as have most of us. In fact our stories are so close it seems like a script. I postponed coming out mostly out of ignorance. It was not very common. I started investigating around 1984 but I went to the therapist. She was not a gender therapist as they were rare in the day. As I began to tell my story, I stalled and instead of revealing my secret I said I was suffering from stress. So off to group therapy I went. This happened five other times. Finally just over 2 years ago I started my journey. I was on the verge of a breakdown so this time I went and finally confessed. On the third appointment I was handed my approval letter. Two weeks later I was on HRt.   The power of estrogen is amazing and it brought peace for the first time since I can remember. Of course coming out to family and friends is hard as so many negative things go through the mind. I was actually prepared to move out, but I married my best friend and I raised my children to be compassionate. So all the pent up anger, fear and guilt just dropped away. Today I am no longer depressed. When I look in the mirror I like who I see and my family gives their support. I attend support groups in Seattle and Tacoma. I am making friends. I had given up years ago. But between reading the stories and research on Susans, having a great therapist and and outstanding voice / culture coach. I will miss you Emily. And my electrologist is one of the finest ladies I have ever met. She has over 40 transgender friends. In fact if I needed a place to stay she would extend me an invitation. I consider it a blessing. Actually I have been blessed all my life aside from the secret. I still visit another gender therapist. This time to put things in order and help me out of my shell. But I can tell you I am extremely happy. Far more than anytime other than the birth of my children. My wife made sure I suffered too as she squeezed my hand until blood stopped circulating. I can't make the decision for you and I would not attempt to. But if you like the story I tell, feel free to emulate.

[Alice V]

Yeah banging head to the wall definitely will solve problem
Be honest with yourself and your therapist is great advice from Dawn. I did the same and gain resolve and determination. Listen to your heart and try to undestand what do you really want.

[Katy]

It may be a case of no pain, no gain, or just another technique to get to know you and thus to better help you.  Pure guesswork, I know.  Perhaps at your next session you could ask the therapist about it. 

[randim]

Thanks all for the kind words and advice, especially yours Dawn. My apologies for the bad joke.  It was in poor taste. I tend to use humor as a defense, but that's not always appropriate.

I am some ways away from a decision probably.  Largely because I think there is a very high probability my marriage will not survive a transition. It's a bit more than a straw on the camel's back I fear.  But this thing inside me is never, ever going to go away.  Part of the fear is wondering how successful a transition could be.  Decades of living as a male have carved deep canyons in my psyche.  Wherever I would end up would probably be a long way from the female end of the binary.  But where I am on the spectrum now isn't really working.

Much food for thought.  And Dawn, it sounds like things are going well in your world.  I am very happy for you.