Questions about my eventual MtF transition - I'm new to this, help

[HighDefinition-Dragoness]

   In case you don't know who I am, hello ! I'm a 17 year old (18 in October) "half-closeted" trans girl! (half-closeted as in, my friends irl and online know and I've revealed publicly that I'm transgender, but my family has no clue about it because I'm scared to tell them.) I need some help with this whole thing, because I'm kinda clueless when it comes to any of this. This is also sort of an update to other outdated posts I've put in "non-binary talk" so I'll sum up what's happened anyway.

   About half a year ago and more, I identified as non-binary or half male/half female and used "they" instead of "he" on the internet for the longest time. But in February when I went to a band dance thing, seeing a lot of women there and wishing I were in their shoes, I had a slightly stubborn revelation that instead of a sort of "half and half" thing with my gender, I thought I wanted it more 75% female/25% male, if that makes sense. I was still using "they" but I was more accepting with people using "she" if they had to. It was only a few months before I realized that maybe being 'non-binary' like that wasn't quite what I wanted.

   When I was finally fed up with being unhappy with my identity, and realizing that the only real reasons I wasn't fully transgender was my family, and the fact that maybe I wasn't ready to accept the fact that I wanted to be a girl, I did a sort of weird test run with my close friend and boyfriend trying out "she" instead of "they" and every time they referred to me as such, I'd feel a huge flutter of excitement down my spine. I had finally found who I am and wanted to be for so long. The next day I made up my mind and told a my friends the good news and that this newfound identity made me happy to be who I was for once.

   Before this, I absolutely hated myself and my body and who I thought I was, but even now, months after that, when my depression and anxiety is kicking in again, I can find it in myself to actually appreciate and like who I am finally.


   Okay, so now that you know my life story, lol... here are a couple of things I have questions about


   Family - What's the best way to tell my them without me freaking out and being speechless? I've tried using a notecard and sitting in my room while my mom finds it, when I told her that I'm bi/pansexual but that seemed to make me more anxious than anything. I do electronic music and I was wanting to make an EP with lyrics about different aspects about my depression and anxiety ending with a confession song about me being transgender, but that's ending up with more work than I thought I'd have to put in to be done in the time frame I wanted to tell them in. (still doing that EP though, just at a later time.)

   Estrogen - I don't even have a clue how to get this without getting a doctor's or gender therapist's approval or something, but if there is a way, How much average does this stuff cost per month? (I searched it up and didn't really get anything from it)

   Gender Therapist - How does one go about getting a gender therapist? I have a place saved that's in my town, but I'm generally extremely anxious about saying this stuff out loud. Are there any online alternatives that let me use text to talk to them and still get their approval for estrogen? If not, how am I going to bring it up to them if I go to their office (because my people skills are nonexistent)? How do these even work? How long until they give their approval?

   HRT - probably should have grouped this with Estrogen, but these are more specific to if I can't just buy it normally. How does this work/how are the hormones distributed into the body, and how long about until I start seeing physical results? Cost per month?

   SRS - Now I've done a lot of research and even though there are downsides afterwards, I'd still want to go through with the "bottom surgery" but that's about it for surgery. How much would that cost?

  Anything else I should know about starting my journey eventually or any words of encouragement or just general advice?

   This post sorta intimidates me because it feels like a huge level-up from where my identity was in February. Feels like I've really grown as a person since I last posted on this site. Forgive me if this is a lot of specific questions, but I'm flinging myself into potentially scary things I feel like I know very little about, so I need a decent amount of information about how to do all this. Thank you in advance!

[HighDefinition-Dragoness]

   I'm really sorry if I'm impatient here... but I still need answers to these stuff, and I don't seem to be getting any answers from anywhere... if at least someone could direct me to a post where I can have most of this stuff answered, that would be greatly appreciated. Once again, sorry for being impatient.

[Devlyn]

Typically the gender therapist  can point you to everything you need. As far as telling them.....a gender therapist only does one thing, they know why you're there. They'll ask you what your goals are.

The only way to get estradiol is through a doctor. It's under $20 a month for everyone I know. You may be put on testosterone blockers, again, under $20 a month.

Your surgery costs will vary wildly, it all depends on your insurance. My surgery cost me about  $12,500

This isn't a passive process, you don't get it done through a couple text messages. It's hard work, and  a lot of sacrifice. It's all worth it when you get where you need to be in life.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Lucca]

Being in the earliest stages of transition myself, I'll tell you that it's probably best to just go see a therapist in person, especially if you're uncomfortable doing so. You'll need to verbally explain this to a lot of people you know sooner or later, you might as well start getting over the anxiousness now. Plus, I don't think there's a way to do what you describe over text, anyway.

A good therapist with experience in transgender issues will be able to give you references to local transgender resources, as well. I finally found a really good therapist and she gave me references to way more trans support facilities than I thought existed in my area.

[HighDefinition-Dragoness]

Typically the gender therapist  can point you to everything you need. As far as telling them.....a gender therapist only does one thing, they know why you're there. They'll ask you what your goals are.

I guess that makes sense, It's just hard for me to say anything about this stuff out loud, let alone to someone I just met.

The only way to get estradiol is through a doctor. It's under $20 a month for everyone I know. You may be put on testosterone blockers, again, under $20 a month.

Your surgery costs will vary wildly, it all depends on your insurance. My surgery cost me about  $12,500

Thank you, I really needed a general cost for this stuff!

This isn't a passive process, you don't get it done through a couple text messages. It's hard work, and  a lot of sacrifice. It's all worth it when you get where you need to be in life.

Hugs, Devlyn

I get that, I'm just really shy and anxious around people and generally I can better communicate all this stuff through text much better than I could ever say straight to someone's face... it's all a little silly, but that's kinda just how I am. Maybe I could set something up with a gender therapist or something so I'd feel more comfortable sharing this stuff without just... shutting down basically.

   Thank you!

[HighDefinition-Dragoness]

Being in the earliest stages of transition myself, I'll tell you that it's probably best to just go see a therapist in person, especially if you're uncomfortable doing so. You'll need to verbally explain this to a lot of people you know sooner or later, you might as well start getting over the anxiousness now. Plus, I don't think there's a way to do what you describe over text, anyway.

I guess you're right, but I'm extremely shy in person. It's hard for me to say stuff out loud about this sort of thing without at least typing it out first. And even then, it's still difficult to say it out loud. It's like the part of my brain that controls what I say just, won't let my thoughts through without it being really awkward or explained in the worst way possible. It's weird, I know, but that's kinda what try to deal with.

A good therapist with experience in transgender issues will be able to give you references to local transgender resources, as well. I finally found a really good therapist and she gave me references to way more trans support facilities than I thought existed in my area.

Thanks, I'll see if I can ask them about stuff like that when I get a gender therapist. I don't have transportation besides walking yet, so I'll have to wait. (or asking my mom or brother to drive me, which definitely would raise some questions to them. "What are you doing going to a gender therapist? Are you trans??" yeah, I'm obviously not ready do that at this point...)

[DustKitten]

I can't give any advice on how to come out to one's family, since it's been years since I've really spoken to mine, but when I came out to my old boyfriend, I "dressed" first, did makeup and put on a skirt, and then just went to him and said, "Hey, just wanted you to know, this is a part of me, and I haven't figured it out, but I thought you should know about it". Then I cried a bunch while he hugged me.

HRT should be affordable for you, even if you're only working part-time. Doctor's visits, blood tests, and therapy all cost a fair bit if you don't have insurance, and there may still be a copay or deductible if you do, so that may be a concern financially. Hair removal can get expensive too, around $70-100+ per hour for electrolysis (times several hundred hours to fully remove a beard); laser is cheaper and faster, but isn't permanent, so you'd have to keep doing it to keep the facial hair down.

For the hormones themselves, though, currently the actual cost of my estriadol and spironolactone is $8 and $64 respectively per month, but I only pay $4 each with my insurance. I just started, so that may change for me over time depending on what I'm taking.

Definitely go see a therapist before you start anything else, they're your starting point for transitioning and they can help you deal with things like coming out to your family. If you like, you could start training your voice now, too, since that usually takes a long time and you can do it yourself for free, without needing to ask someone else for a letter that says you need it.

I wouldn't worry too much about SRS just yet, since it's so expensive and you'll have your hands full doing so many other things your first year if you decide to transition.

Best of luck. <3

[Lucca]

laser is cheaper and faster, but isn't permanent, so you'd have to keep doing it to keep the facial hair down.

Isn't this pretty variable? I can't say with experience, but based on what I've read, most people have permanent hair loss after doing it long enough.

[HighDefinition-Dragoness]

I can't give any advice on how to come out to one's family, since it's been years since I've really spoken to mine, but when I came out to my old boyfriend, I "dressed" first, did makeup and put on a skirt, and then just went to him and said, "Hey, just wanted you to know, this is a part of me, and I haven't figured it out, but I thought you should know about it". Then I cried a bunch while he hugged me.

I'm already out to my bf, and kinda have been for almost a year or more before I considered myself trans. He knew about the whole non-binary thing since I think before we even got together first and he didn't mind at all; he took this whole thing well and is happy for me through this whole thing. Not sure if I'd be comfortable dressing up and doing makeup and stuff and going in front of my family though, but thanks anyway!

HRT should be affordable for you, even if you're only working part-time. Doctor's visits, blood tests, and therapy all cost a fair bit if you don't have insurance, and there may still be a copay or deductible if you do, so that may be a concern financially. Hair removal can get expensive too, around $70-100+ per hour for electrolysis (times several hundred hours to fully remove a beard); laser is cheaper and faster, but isn't permanent, so you'd have to keep doing it to keep the facial hair down.

For the hormones themselves, though, currently the actual cost of my estriadol and spironolactone is $8 and $64 respectively per month, but I only pay $4 each with my insurance. I just started, so that may change for me over time depending on what I'm taking.

I don't even have a job yet actually, (I know right?) I don't know where to begin really, and like I said in another reply, I don't even have any transportation lol. No working bike, no car; I don't have a driver's license yet, nor know how to drive xD. Anyway, another problem is that my insurance is with my dad, who lives 4 states away, and I MOST DEFINITELY don't want him to know yet, because he might blame my mom for this (they don't get along very well), or misunderstand it, or just generally deny that this is even a thing. And then the hair removal thing, that's not much of a problem for me, because right now I'm like almost 18 and facial hair doesn't even grow that much on me. I haven't even shaved once in my life and it's still barely noticeable. it's kinda weird, but hey, it doesn't bother me lol. Not like I want facial hair anyway xD

Definitely go see a therapist before you start anything else, they're your starting point for transitioning and they can help you deal with things like coming out to your family. If you like, you could start training your voice now, too, since that usually takes a long time and you can do it yourself for free, without needing to ask someone else for a letter that says you need it.

Of course, that's why it was one of the first questions . And yeah, I guess they could help me do that, I didn't even think of asking them for help! xD
   Also, I've kinda been doing the voice stuff? I generally don't do that most of the time because I don't want to just randomly be talking to myself, making me seem insane or something. but when I'm in a voice chat with some people I kinda subconsciously raise my range of voice up for no particular reason. I can't tell what else I'd need to do to make it more feminine, so I'm not so sure how much I can train myself. I might catch the hang of it some day though.

I wouldn't worry too much about SRS just yet, since it's so expensive and you'll have your hands full doing so many other things your first year if you decide to transition.

Best of luck. <3

Yeah, I know it's expensive, I'd just have to save up and stuff. Shouldn't be so hard to save up when I actually get a job lol
   Thank you!

[DustKitten]

Isn't this pretty variable? I can't say with experience, but based on what I've read, most people have permanent hair loss after doing it long enough.

My understanding is that laser permanently reduces the total amount of hairs (esp. the dark ones), but it doesn't get rid of them entirely. It's useful for quickly getting rid of hair, but long-term it's not an ideal solution.

Of course, electrolysis is painful, expensive, AND time-consuming, so both methods have their drawbacks.

[julia-madrid]

Hi Dragoness

I'm an old hand here, but I recreate my account only when needed.  Fully complete with my transition and living life happily.   Here are a few more things to consider.

Family:  have your story really clear.  If you are not able to explain it well to them, they will have considerable concerns, especially since you are quite young.  Just be very honest with yourself, and make clear where you have areas in which you are undecided or still need more information.   This is a journey, and things will become clearer on the way.

Estrogen/HRT:  most of us just use estrogen, but there are other mixed regimes.  It's a vital part of our journey and ongoing life, and the effectveness varies:  some of us change a lot physically, others not much at all.  It will effect your mental and emotional state, generally in very positive ways.  But most of all, it's what I call the "license" to begin seeing yourself in your target gender role.   

Gender therapist:  absolutely essential, as you will probably not be able to access HRT or any important surgeries without them certifying that you are a suitable candidate.  This is another area where I advise you to be super honest with yourself and to do this with your therapist.   Therapists vary, and you need some "chemistry" with them.  They will not tell you what to do - they are simply enablers for you.  I compare them to the sherpas who help you to scale the mountain.

SRS;  easy to find information, but you need to know for certain what you want.  And, as you should know, it's a minimum of a year living full time in your target gender before you can obtain irreversible surgery, and you generally need references from 2 therapists/medical professionals before a competent surgeon will agree to help you.   

If you haven't already found it, see the WPATH standards of care documentation.  It's probably one of the most authorative sources and you can download it as a PDF.  Very worth reading in detail.

My final comment:  if you want to succeed on your journey you need to own it completely.  People who actively take charge of their transition are the ones who have by far the best results across every dimension of their lives.

Good luck
Julia

[HighDefinition-Dragoness]

Isn't this pretty variable? I can't say with experience, but based on what I've read, most people have permanent hair loss after doing it long enough.

My understanding is that laser permanently reduces the total amount of hairs (esp. the dark ones), but it doesn't get rid of them entirely. It's useful for quickly getting rid of hair, but long-term it's not an ideal solution.

Of course, electrolysis is painful, expensive, AND time-consuming, so both methods have their drawbacks.

   Yeah, that's why I don't think I'll worry about it for right now. I'll shave often if I begin to have problems with it, but currently it's just not much of a priority xD.

-  -  -  -  -

Hi Dragoness

I'm an old hand here, but I recreate my account only when needed.  Fully complete with my transition and living life happily.   Here are a few more things to consider.

Family:  have your story really clear.  If you are not able to explain it well to them, they will have considerable concerns, especially since you are quite young.  Just be very honest with yourself, and make clear where you have areas in which you are undecided or still need more information.   This is a journey, and things will become clearer on the way.

   I don't think I'll tell them my full plans unless they ask, since I'll probably fund all this myself when I get a job/transportation, and it's generally my decisions what I do with my body (I try to have that mindset with this whole thing tbh). But it's mostly just... the weight of telling my mom and brother that I'm transgender. Especially since my mom is pretty religious. They'd HAVE to know eventually, but it's just a matter of me having an anxiety attack or something as I try to tell them. I'm just not good at this sort of stuff. (Not to mention I'm already incredibly anxious around them anyway)

Estrogen/HRT:  most of us just use estrogen, but there are other mixed regimes.  It's a vital part of our journey and ongoing life, and the effectveness varies:  some of us change a lot physically, others not much at all.  It will effect your mental and emotional state, generally in very positive ways.  But most of all, it's what I call the "license" to begin seeing yourself in your target gender role.   

   I guess that's something to keep in mind, that it varies person to person. I've heard about the fact that it changes your emotional/mental state, but I can't really comprehend that. I would have thought your emotional/mental states change as some sort of weird placebo effect of starting to look more feminine and reacting subconsciously? (That's already started happening with my voice online when talking to people. I'd start raising my voice a tiny bit subconsciously, but when around people irl, I don't) Heck, I don't know if maybe I'm just overthinking it or not, but it's pretty interesting if that IS the case, and if you say it does I'll take your word for it until I figure out what it does for me. Also I already see myself as a girl... just not, you know, physically.

Gender therapist:  absolutely essential, as you will probably not be able to access HRT or any important surgeries without them certifying that you are a suitable candidate.  This is another area where I advise you to be super honest with yourself and to do this with your therapist.   Therapists vary, and you need some "chemistry" with them.  They will not tell you what to do - they are simply enablers for you.  I compare them to the sherpas who help you to scale the mountain.

   Thank you, I didn't really know how gender therapists worked really. The closest thing I've ever had to any type of therapist worked with my school councilor (I'm homeschooled now so I don't see him anymore) and I'd be sent to his office every week to attempt to help me with my depression. That didn't end up working out because it's hard for me to really understand what I'm feeling anyway, and I didn't really open up about my biggest problems because I didn't really trust him enough. I guess I'm scared of it ending up the same way, which is why I'd rather do it through text. Talking it over like that helps me understand myself better. But hey, maybe I can do it in person if I at least try?

SRS;  easy to find information, but you need to know for certain what you want.  And, as you should know, it's a minimum of a year living full time in your target gender before you can obtain irreversible surgery, and you generally need references from 2 therapists/medical professionals before a competent surgeon will agree to help you.   

   Oh jeez, two therapists? I'm not even sure if I can handle one! I mean I guess it makes sense in a way, but ah, that's probably going to be the hardest part for me if I really need two therapists. I'm sure over time with the plan I have to move into an apartment or something with my boyfriend in the next at least 3 years, that would be enough time to get another therapist, and I would probably need to get a new one anyway if I move away. That's a long ways away, so I won't worry too much about SRS until later on when I can afford it.

If you haven't already found it, see the WPATH standards of care documentation.  It's probably one of the most authorative sources and you can download it as a PDF.  Very worth reading in detail.

My final comment:  if you want to succeed on your journey you need to own it completely.  People who actively take charge of their transition are the ones who have by far the best results across every dimension of their lives.

Good luck
Julia

   Whew that's going to be a long read. I'll keep that bookmarked in my browser though!
   Oh I think I'm already owning it (just very quietly and privately) so far. I've even begun looking at outfits I'd like to wear after or even during my transition! My friends are extremely supportive and my closest friend is helping me out through this as well, helping me find said clothes, and would probably help me with female stuff I haven't even begun to think about yet.
   Thank you so much, this helps a lot!