How to come out to a parent with depression issues...

[sarahc]

So this one step, coming out to my mom, is going to be the hardest step in my entire transition (my dad has passed away). I know that my mother is not a fantastic sympathizer of transgendered people. Although socially liberal, my mom is culturally conservative, and not only will she be dismayed with me transitioning, but it could send her into a manic-depressive state / nervous breakdown. A lot of her depression is going to be wrapped around her view that she failed raising me (even though I've had a blessed and successful life) and the fact she is likely to be chided by friends in her social circle because of me.

And I am going to feel really bad if (when?) she has a nervous breakdown. Her breakdowns are really bad, and she starts getting suicidal. I'm going to be spending 100% of my time talking about this in the next therapy session, but I'm wondering if anyone has experience dealing with this issue. Given her mental issues, I think coming out to her is almost cruel. It is a very hard dilemma I am facing in dealing with this.

Has anyone had experience dealing with coming out to a parent with psychological issues?

[Kendra]

My parents were not diagnosed with depression but I was still convinced the conversation would end badly and I had postponed my transition out of fear - knowing how they would react.  Neither of them had shown any understanding of LGBT, and barely more than tolerance.  When I came out to my parents last summer I was shocked at how wrong I was - their reaction was the opposite of what I expected. 

The only way to be certain is to tell your mother.  Think about previous challenges your mom has faced and conquered and is now proud of - that might be the best way to start the conversation.  Bring up something unrelated to gender and use that to show how some people are able to identify and tackle issues that aren't always obvious, turn a negative into a positive.  I think it's good and thoughtful you are considering the potential complexity of bringing this up to a parent with a history of depression. 

I expected my mom to be horrified.  Instead she has been bragging to her neighbors - she had a son (her only child), and now she has a daughter.

[sarahc]

Kendra:

Thank you for that story. It was very inspiring and gives me some hope that it won't all be bad when I come out to my mom. I know I will eventually have to do it, but I need to work with my therapist on the how.

I'm still going to be afraid as heck of the storm I'm about to unleash when I tell my mother. But I am going to come out to two people before I come out to my mom, and both of those coming outs will result in astonished looks but supportive feedback. Hopefully that gives me confidence to talk to my mom. (Also, my mom will probably eventually give me a lot of clothes, so that's an incentive as well  .)

Sarah