Having been a member of a CD site for a number of years, I had seen this site, but never really visited until joining this week. You see, I have been in denial most of my life about who/what I am. I, like many in this community, had difficulty accepting what I've known since as far back in my life as I can remember.
I am transsexual. I was born a woman with the wrong body.
Whew. That was still a little scary. I just recently started counseling for my depression, anxiety, and anger, and this week has been a huge relief with that short little affirmation, that is much larger in size than the word count leads on to be.
My childhood memories are a bit of a blur. Around 9 years old, my family moved cross country and that is the basis of when I can loosely recall events in my life and the timeline associated with those events. It was shortly after that move that I recall the significance of how I felt different from everyone else. I recall many moments of feeling different prior to that, but never recall associating that I was a girl until that event happened. My counselor and I feel that it may be dissociation from trauma, and only time will tell if that is the case.
Like a majority of people suffering from gender dysphoria, especially in my age group, I experienced the guilt and shame of being chastised by family, peers, and friends as I was a freak of nature, an abomination, a worthless being that is just confused. This thing I was feeling was wrong. And I did everything I could to hide it from everyone else, even going to lengths at times to go to the extremes to squash these feelings. I was 98 lbs my freshman year of high school, but that didn't stop me from trying to act hyper-masculine. Fighting was becoming a common thing for me through middle and high school. I had to constantly try to prove that I wasn't gay. Suspensions from school, even an expulsion made their way into my life due to my incessant need to "defend" my heterosexuality.
Drugs and alcohol made their way into my life. I found a crowd that was accepting of me. (At least that is what I believed) In all actuality, I don't think they even looked twice at me. The highs numbed me and my pain throughout these years. At some level, I think that the 24x7 high suppressed my inner feelings. The drugs lasted for years until I started dating a girl that I had been friends with for a number of years and we ended up married.
Now that I am able to look back objectively, I think I was trying harder to prove to myself than I was to anyone else. This is apparent when I inspect those moments of my life where I really didn't have anyone around me, I forced myself to be alone by ostracizing those around me to avoid being hurt. When there isn't anyone there to prove anything to, it is obvious who you are trying to impress.
Almost 25 years of marriage and two beautiful and amazing children has now complicated the realizations I have had this week. I now have a woman i my life that I love with all my heart and depends on me financially and medically. (She is my BFF, and has been the one rock in my life even before we dated) My children are grown, and I am afraid of robbing them of their childhood memories with their father.
My wife has known that I am a crossdresser for a number of years, but is completely unaware of how I really feel. Hell, I couldn't even say it to myself, even though I have suspected since my first time praying to God to make me into the girl that I felt I was, all those years ago. It has been a challenge, but she has stayed by side regardless.
Yet, here I am proudly admitting that I am not a man, even though that is how my genitals define my gender today.
I have no idea where my journey is going to take me yet. Maybe I will transition, maybe I won't. I haven't made it that far into my self discovery yet. If I were to take how I feel at this very moment, I would have the surgeries tomorrow to align my body with my mind. Yet I have other lives depending on me, and am deathly afraid of losing the only people I truly have in my life that I care about. I refuse to go into this path blind on emotion, and must not be selfish in my thinking. My wife and kids did not sign up voluntarily to be a part of the lies I have been telling myself and everyone around me for over half my life. It is not fair to them to rob them of the trust they have in their memories. They have all had to deal with enough hardships with my wife's illnesses and untimely deaths of close friends, without having to also lose their male father.
I'm looking forward to the love and support from all of you beautiful ladies here, as I make my journey toward fully accepting who I am, and determining what the rest of my life plans will look like.
Thank you for reading my story, as tangential as it seems to be. I feel I have some repressed memories that are about overwhelm my memory banks as I work through counseling.
