A plea to my wife

[Sarah77]

I went for a weekend to Ibiza to relive my much younger days with my wife.
I was feeling so low and hopeless about how I can't reconcile my transgender self with her
need for a husband and father to our kds.

I won't condone or encourage what we did..but we took an ecstasy pill..the first time for me in nearly 18 years.

It let us really engage on an emotional level and i told her I just couldn't cope without being to show my femininity sometimes.

I said it was most important she shared it or at least accepted it. All I needed was to shop tgether every so often, do my make up and be me..in private.

She said it made her less attracted to me, but said ok.

The jext day we were in a shop amd she suggested I choose somethimg to buy.
I bought spmething amd tried it pn in the hotel room later.

She has no idea how much that small gesture meant. I know it is something she desn't like.
But it stops my utter despair for a little while.just a few moments of validation.

I am so sure I am more feminine than masculine, but i won't harm her life or that of my children.
That little measure by her gave me so much self esteem she can have n idea.

[randim]

That is a very touching anecdote, and possibly quite promising.  Give her time.  Her love for you may stretch to eventually include all of you.  And you deserve a great deal of respect for giving your family such high priority.  But, long term, doing self-harm to yourself (and suppression is a form of that, I'm convinced) will probably not help your family.  All your energy will be sucked into keeping those feelings down. I would encourage both of you to get some counseling so that you can see if you can be true both to yourself and to your family. 

[GordonG]

I had a somewhat similar thing happen. My wife was very apprehensive about me dressing in female clothing. I often wear skirts and hosiery out in public and still present as a man. She didn't like it at all, at first.

I had some more holes pierced in my ear lobs ( I have three in each). Well one Christmas she actually gave me some small hoop earrings. I loved that she did that. Now I can go anywhere I want dressed in skirt, hosiery and often a female top and she doesn't have a problem. However i've given her permission to say that I should dress male anytime that she wants. And she does once in a while. I've actually fully crossdressed about three times out in public, and she was with me one of those times. She was a very nice about it.

Give your wife time and space. And show her just how much she means to you and that you love her dearly. She may come around.

[heather3791]

Hi Sarah, it is great that you are at least at a point in your relationship that you both can communicate about your feelings and you can be open to her about what you need to be happy. I hope that she will adapt and accept all of you and support you. But even with her support it is vital that she is equally happy and content with things. We all know that if only one person in a two person relationship is happy that things can quickly go south. Just take it slow and steady and hopefully you can both find a harmonious and healthy balance. For me personally it did not work out long term with my wife. We actually divorced this past June. She knew for years that I cross dressed and basically tolerated it as long as I kept it hidden from her. For many years she and I both labeled me as just that...a cross dresser. After years of therapy coupled with my own self realization I finally came to terms that I was transgender and not just a cross dresser. I eventually worked up the courage to write a very long letter to my wife. In the letter I told her I was transgender and not just a cross dresser. Unfortunately shortly after I gave her the letter she was already using the D-word. She said she simply could not stay married to someone who identifies as female in any capacity. She said she would not be able to ever look at me again in the same light and just could not go on. She was and is however very supportive and luckily we are still very good friends and put our kids first before anything. Back then I really did not want a divorce and wanted desperately to save our marriage. Now I know that things are the way they are sopposed to be and although it's been painful I am genuinely happier today. So again, I hope it truly does work out with you and your wife. (Sorry if I threw in my own negative/positive experience...but just keeping it real without any sugar coating!) So best of luck and I'll put you in my prayers. (On a side note..I remember back in the day taking excstacy. Had lots of fun dancing the night away but always ended up pouring out my soul to my friends. They say it's the truth serum and for me it definitely was!)

[MikeP]

I had a somewhat similar thing happen. My wife was very apprehensive about me dressing in female clothing. I often wear skirts and hosiery out in public and still present as a man. She didn't like it at all, at first.

I had some more holes pierced in my ear lobs ( I have three in each). Well one Christmas she actually gave me some small hoop earrings. I loved that she did that. Now I can go anywhere I want dressed in skirt, hosiery and often a female top and she doesn't have a problem. However i've given her permission to say that I should dress male anytime that she wants. And she does once in a while. I've actually fully crossdressed about three times out in public, and she was with me one of those times. She was a very nice about it.

Give your wife time and space. And show her just how much she means to you and that you love her dearly. She may come around.

Gordon, your situation seems perfect for both.  I have one friend who is doing very well with his wife and have been able to reach a win win situation.  I want to be truthful and understood and fully understand that our wife,s do to. 

Sara, being transparent is best in my opinion,  best wishes for the both of you. 

[DawnOday]

Life is so much more than sex. Intimacy, caring, love and admiration,are so much more. I am so glad my wife accepts my decision. It took a while but now she does not seem to worry so much about having a mate with curves, boobs and long hair. I am so proud of her. But more than being my wife and mother to my children, she is my best friend.

[Sarah77]

Hi Sarah, it is great that you are at least at a point in your relationship that you both can communicate about your feelings and you can be open to her about what you need to be happy. I hope that she will adapt and accept all of you and support you. But even with her support it is vital that she is equally happy and content with things. We all know that if only one person in a two person relationship is happy that things can quickly go south. Just take it slow and steady and hopefully you can both find a harmonious and healthy balance. For me personally it did not work out long term with my wife. We actually divorced this past June. She knew for years that I cross dressed and basically tolerated it as long as I kept it hidden from her. For many years she and I both labeled me as just that...a cross dresser. After years of therapy coupled with my own self realization I finally came to terms that I was transgender and not just a cross dresser. I eventually worked up the courage to write a very long letter to my wife. In the letter I told her I was transgender and not just a cross dresser. Unfortunately shortly after I gave her the letter she was already using the D-word. She said she simply could not stay married to someone who identifies as female in any capacity. She said she would not be able to ever look at me again in the same light and just could not go on. She was and is however very supportive and luckily we are still very good friends and put our kids first before anything. Back then I really did not want a divorce and wanted desperately to save our marriage. Now I know that things are the way they are sopposed to be and although it's been painful I am genuinely happier today. So again, I hope it truly does work out with you and your wife. (Sorry if I threw in my own negative/positive experience...but just keeping it real without any sugar coating!) So best of luck and I'll put you in my prayers. (On a side note..I remember back in the day taking excstacy. Had lots of fun dancing the night away but always ended up pouring out my soul to my friends. They say it's the truth serum and for me it definitely was!)

thanks for your story. I often have careless thoughts about the sudden freedom if she divorced me. I think for me the freedom would be short lived as my whole life is invested in my family.
I am glad you are still close friends...who knows how that will develop over the years. I truly believe emotional bonds are more i portant than physical as time goes on.

[Sarah77]

Gordon, your situation seems perfect for both.  I have one friend who is doing very well with his wife and have been able to reach a win win situation.  I want to be truthful and understood and fully understand that our wife,s do to. 

Sara, being transparent is best in my opinion,  best wishes for the both of you.

Thanks both. I have been open for 10 years..about 18 months after we got married. It took that long for me to work myself out. We have been tnroigh a lot since then and are still standing