Hi, my names Eli, and i'm 24. I wanted to just write my story to get it out there, just to help me feel more validated This has been a really big year for me, and I felt like I needed to reach out because I of recurrent anxieties that keep getting to me, amidst really positive changes:
I started looking to learn more, and my research led me here, where people all over the trans-spectrum are sharing their personal stories...susan's place as a community has already really to feel valid and supported, so I finally felt comfortable to share what i'm going through in hopes of support, and the hope that my story helps one of you out there feel valid. Thanks for any supportive comments, advice, or reassurance!
It has now been 1 1/2 months since I started HRT, and although that's really early in, I am much more in sync with myself, and even started taking radically better care of my physical, and mental health. There is still this really uncomfortable feeling though, because people have warned me that I am just fetishizing this change- and although my therapist explained that sexuality almost always plays a role in coming out as trans, this worry keeps making me anxious "am I faking it" is this "genuinely" me? That is what led me to post today- I want these worries to stop because I know I am super happy becoming more feminine in my social identity. Still, I have a recurring fear that I'm excluding myself from dating women because I am on HRT on validating being gender queer/ non-binary trans gender- however, and only recently have I had a desire to gender myself. . I've been finding it hard because being non-binary is so in the middle of everything, and gender is a construct I've only started to become comfortable with recently. I am not always uncomfortable appearing male, I do it mostly our of fear of being persecuted, and am repelled by masculinity in most all its forms. My desire is still feel like I can, and am both male and female...but stuck to neither, and a separate category entirely.
My timeline:
0 - raised gender neutral
6 - played dress-up as a women
7 - like having my nails painted
12- acutely aware of not being masculine enough
13- mysterious urge to experiment anally
14- learned how to straighten my hair from sister
- lost my virginity with a man
- ran away from home/ school
15- came out as bisexual
- moved into group home
16- had my first anal orgasm
- lost my virginity with a girl
19- crossed dressed public for the very time
21- began collecting feminine clothing
- started identifying as gender non-conforming
22- began blending masculine and feminine
- was told I had to "pick" a gender by LGTQ center
23- got rid of a lot of my feminine clothing thinking it a "phase"
- met a guy, and had my first relationship in a feminine roll
- discovered an erotic sex-change game
- mild dysphoria started
24- came out as submissive
- moderate dysphoria set-in and I started to desire to be more feminine
- began to express a more feminine dimension of personality
- body envy of women began, and worsened
- spoke with trans friends, got referred to a gender psych
- began estrogen HRT for dysphoria
- dysphoria diminished 90% within the first month
- began to have second thoughts
- learned about "androgyne" identity
- began identifying as androgynous
- took x3 psychological tests, and consistently 48%male 52%female traits
Me:
as a child I was very different from other young boys, as a teenager, and young adult- I am different from most people. I was always nonconforming to societal norms, including politics, philosophy, interests, and orientations. About a year ago I started to experience gender related dysphoria for the first time. Growing progressively worse, the first symptoms that caught my attention was a change in how I perceived women I thought were attractive. For most of my life, and as a person who is very attracted, and aroused by women/ femininity- my reactions historically were one of two ways- either feeling sexual aroused, or lonely w/ a low self esteem. When I began to experience "body envy" on a recurrent basis, was when dysphoria started to become really painful. As the monthes went on I began become acutely aware of my biological "maleness" in a way that was highly uncomfortable. I am 24, and only recently have had a real amount of facial hair- that is attractive for a "male" and I must admit that I enjoy being able to grow it out, but I began feeling a mix of disgust, and annoyance with it. Then it was my torso- being bony, thin, and non-muscular- I always felt shame for not fitting into the "masculine" box better, so when I started to be jealous of the curves, and smoothness of women, it was like that feeling compounded- but changed. I guess I could have got into weight lifting in order to achieve a manly physique, but as I reflected on my youth, it was easy to recognize that I was never interested in those pursuits. I am reflective, sensitive, and shy away from aggressive, dangerous, and hyper masculine things. I love nature, adventure, and people. I also value trades, crafts, and skills- all of which my family was short on. I talked to my mom after I came out as androgyne, and she, after some uncomfortable tears- corroborated the BEM androgyny index scores, and my newfound gender identity by expressing that she observed that as a young child I was very unlike other little boys (she worked in childcare for 4 years before I was born). She explained that I used to emulate her, and was very intent on learning from her and not my father. From all the stories I've read on here- I am grateful I got so lucky: both the place I live in, and the family I was born into are very supportive of all types of nonconformity. My mom, being so awesome raised me gender neutrally, and so I managed to make it all the way through into my high-school years without ever attaching to a gender- however, and only recently have I had a desire to gender myself, and following that urge led me here. I am writing this mostly for myself, but I am happy if anyone sees part of the story here, and feel like they are not abnormal, and can find belonging.
What I know:
I love the subtle softening changes in my face, but I'm both excited and nervous about starting to grow breasts/ and lost the ability to have an erection because although I'm bi, I really love women, and while I know there MUST be women out there who would love the person I am- yet since I'm already lonely, I can't help but become a little overwhelmed by these concerns, but I also feel like this is my choice- and I'm happy to making it regardless.
Thanks for reading. Is any of what i'm struggling through familiar to you?
