Impossible choices.

[Bfp2]

Hi,

I am in my mid 40s, have a wife of 13yrs - we have lived together for 23.  I've got a son who is 8 almost 9.  I am in therapy and I've been going long enough that my therapist is suggesting I make an appt. with the Endo (she is afraid, from our conversations, that I'm going to do the DIY route for hormones).

I came out to my wife/best and only friend about 2 weeks ago.  It was probably one of the worst life decisions I've ever made.  I can not tell you in words how badly she took this news.  I got her to see my therapist with me....another very bad move.

I've now asked my wife to go to a couples therapist with me who also deals with GID.  She has agreed but has made it clear that anything short of reaffirming my male identity will result in her departure with my son. 

I am not ok, I am dying.  I have been withering away for years staying in constant denial and playing a role that was not me.  I don't know why after 40 yrs of suppression, denial and hiding this comes on so strongly now, but it isn't something I can control or turn off....I've been this way since the age of 4.  I'm scared to death and now have to make an impossible choice, my family or me.  To lose my family would kill me, not accepting myself and ignoring my desperate need to transition will also kill me.

I am hurting so much, it is so overwhelming.  Every day is worse than the one before.  Not to mention I'm scared of changing:
-Will I pass.
-Will I be accepted at work.
-Will my wife stay with me and love me.
-What will my little boy think, will he be ok.

I have never been so desperate in my life.  I can't go forward and I can't go back.  What can I do??? 

My wife wants more details about my "condition", she wants to know how far I've gone down the rabbit hole.  Anything I tell her will make her super upset, I don't know what I'm going to say when we go to therapy together.  Do I tell her I've been cross dressing my entire life just to feel relief?  Do I confess to putting on makeup (badly), or that I've worn panties most of the time under my clothing.  Perhaps I can explain that I've painfully taped my privates flat to feel....what, less male?? 

I am happy for all of you that can know who you are and find happiness.  For me all I feel is pain, fear, shame, guilt and desperation.  There is no safe passage from where I am.

[stephaniec]

the only way out is total honesty good or bad it's really the only way

[Hideyoshi]

-Will I pass.

This question plagues us all, but I see many people on this very board who started transitioning after your age and turned out just fine.

-Will I be accepted at work.

What kind of job do you have?

-Will my wife stay with me and love me.

Unfortunately, by what you've stated, it doesn't look good. That's just how it is with some relationships when one partner comes out as trans. There's always hope, though. You never know until you start being honest with yourself and those around you and let them know the real you. Maybe you could bring her here to this board and have her make a post or two on the significant others section?

-What will my little boy think, will he be ok.

I'm sure he'll be fine and love you for who you are. The way society is changing its views with respect to the LGBT community is promising.

[helen2010]

Bfp2

I think that total honesty is the best course of action but really feel and understand the double bind that you are in.  In many ways we are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't.   At another level this is your life and you have the opportunity to write your own life story - but, you only get to do this once.   This is not a dress rehearsal.

Having been where you are it is important to say that things do get better.   Without knowing your wife or your situation it is hard and dangerous to give too much advice as you need to consciously make and own any decision that you take.

I found that educating myself on being TG helped me a lot.   Understanding that there is a spectrum of gender identity helped me further.   Learning that there are many non surgical, non hormonal, low dose and other hormonal therapies available which could help me deal with my dysphoria also helped.   On the other side not knowing where this was leading me or where this would end was enormously stressful for me and for my wife ..... and this doesn't even deal with the potential reaction of other family members, your employer and your colleagues etc.

Strangely though life does have a way of working out.   You will find your way forward.  It may be small steps (recommended) or it may be large steps.   You may find that your identity and your destination may lead you to minor, moderate or significant change.   At this stage you just don't know.   There are positive, mixed and sad outcomes.  However people will surprise you.   Many will accept and support you and you will grow immensely in the process.

You are among friends and we are here to help and to support you.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jessica Merriman]

I personally lost a 16 year marriage and one of my two children. Was it worth it, YES! It was either a living Female or be a dead Male. Every year the Dysphoria seemed to triple in strength until I did something about it, start transition. How is life now? I have been full time since Jan 1st and life has never in my life been this good. I am happy inside and it shows outside which in turn equates to passing. I had several of the fears and questions you presented. What I gained was peace of mind, a healthier body, more friends than I can count and the freedom to be me.

You will have to decide if you can live the rest of your life as you are though. No one here can tell you what to do, all we can do is give your our personal stories for reference. I took a chance to be the real me and lost some, but what I GAINED was far more than I ever could have imagined. Good luck! 

[LittleEmily24]

I don't have as much life experience as you but, being married at a young age and pretty much having all the basic adult related things except for kids... I was literally willing to become a hobo to transition... I was willing to abandon my house, my wife, my family, my job etc... not that i was going to ditch it by any means... just that I wasn't going to let my fear of losing it all stop me from being the person I am... the thing that i learned early on (for some reason) is that my life would have come crumbling down on me had I continued to live my life as miserably as I was... constant depression, constant fruitless therapy, constant drug use and alcohol abuse... constant marital fights, family fights, grudges, job difficulties... and for what? just so that I don't lose it all? I was willing to KILL myself... whats the difference between that or losing everything I have? I though to myself "might as well lose it all in the fight for inner peace instead of keep it all under this lie i've fabricated."

So as the others have said... just be honest... to yourself most importantly.. because that is what's going to give you the strength to carry on... Let go of the shame or guilt and attempt to live alongside your fear as if it were a partner that you are experiencing scary moments with... because fear can hold you back or push you forward, let your fear push you forward and know that you're not the first and most likely wont be the last to endure such a painful route... I haven't experienced much of what you have, but I can truthfully say that I was ready to let it all go... it ate me alive and it left me with a black hole in my stomach that felt like i was dying day in and day out... but i pushed through it and took the dive... whatever happened in the end was just collateral damage.

Here I am now... practically no friends, my family still has trouble "dealing" with it, my mom and my wife are the only people I feel comfortable as myself around, and I cry... A LOT... but it pales in comparison to how I felt living my lie of a male life for the last 23 years.... if I had to choose between going back or dying... i'd choose dying. Sometimes you have to have a near death experience to start living your life... consider this your metaphorical near death experience, and let it boost you into living your real life.

I hope this doesn't sound naive of me >_< and i hope it helps to some degree

[ashrock]

Just know, a lot of us have been where you are.  All I can do is speak from personal experience, my wife left me and though we are still friends, I have realized she didn't really love me to begin with, we where both trying to maintain an unrealistic archetype of who we should be.  Ive begun to let mine go, she clings almost violently to hers.  Ive learned not to push her too hard on it.  I would say take time with it, don't go too far there youll learn over time how far you can go with revealing yourself to her and maintain friendship, and hopefully love 

For me all I feel is pain, fear, shame, guilt and desperation.  There is no safe passage from where I am.

This in particular resonates very strongly with me, I was certainly there; no question about that.  Now I find myself, well, not there anymore.  Not whole yet, but much more accepting, the guilt, pain, and shame gone, the depression nearly gone.  Still have a lot of that fear, but I see that too much faded from where it was.  You are right, there isn't a safe passage from where you are, but Im confident one will be formed in front of you as time passes, all you can do now is take the paths that present themselves.  The situation is far from hopeless even though that's how it looks

[Hannahh]

bf2,

It is probably hidden, but, in the deepest of you, you have certainly a part of the answer. unfortunately, it is hard for you in this time to see it.
I think that the most important person in your life is you. Because If you take care of you first, and do what  you need to be happy, you will be happy. Then you have more chance to give happiness around you.
Separation is often a hard time and scramble the view. Then the hard time is real (because you feel that) and unreal (because it is not the reality. Reality is when the view is clear).
Happiness is not a goal, it is a way. Sometimes it is hard to see it. I assure you, happiness is here.
Take time; one day, one week, one month more or less... there often is no difference. May be the emergency is to wait.
Take care of yourself,
Warmly,
Hannah(h)

[Eva Marie]

I think that the most important person in your life is you. Because If you take care of you first, and do what  you need to be happy, you will be happy. Then you have more chance to give happiness around you.

Hannahh is exactly right. I'll bet that you are the kind of person that has always put others needs before your own. Now you are in deep, deep trouble and I see that your concern is still for everyone else. That is commendable, but it is not a very good direction for you right now. You are hurting and it's time to help yourself.

You have some very difficult decisions ahead of you. You need to get the idea into your head that now that you come first, because if you are not healthy how can you be any good to anyone else, or make the necessary decisions?

You have not done anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. This is a biological condition that you had no control over. You are not choosing this on a lark. You must take care of your own needs now and make yourself better.

I had the same fears that you do and because of that I delayed getting help until I was 50 and I was drinking myself to death. I regrettably lost a 27 year marriage and a couple of friends but that's it so far, so the damage wasn't as bad as it could have been. Life does get better and I am moving on with the rest of my life as a much happier person.

I wish for the best for you going forward.

[Ravensong]

A few proverbs I have been trying to live by:

1.  Take care of yourself.  You can't take care of anybody else unless you take care of yourself first.  As a parent, I normally apply this (and have to remind my wife of it) in regards to physical health, but it applies to mental health as well.  And in this case, it applies to both.  No matter what, you should make sure that you take care of yourself first, then you'll be able to deal with life.

2.  Everything happens for a reason.  To quote a song from The Prince of Egypt, "A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, can never see its purpose, in the pattern of the grand design".  In other words, just because you don't know why something is happening the way it is, that doesn't mean it has no reason or that you would be able to understand the reason even if you knew.  While I can't/don't apply this to the event specifics, I do apply this to the overall actions/reactions/events that occur in my life.  In your case, while the details of your wife's reaction may not have a reason, the end outcome will, which leads into the third proverb....

3.  Everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.  That's not saying that everything will turn out good, or to your liking, but that in the end, things fall into place for what should be.  I know 2 and 3 are kind of muddled together, but its how I keep sane (well, not completely insane ).  Maybe it is better for the two of you to separate, maybe not, I can't say.  All I know is that it is not easy, but the road less traveled is the one that is less smooth as well.

Maybe this analogy will help.  If you've been her rock, maybe remind her that pink quartz is just as strong, if not stronger, than blue granite.  Meaning that just because you are showing your true colors, if you will, that doesn't mean you are not still there to support her or your child in whatever it is they need support in.  All you're doing is asking her to reexamine the rock she's been using as the outer layer is worn away, revealing the true rock beneath.

Just my 2 cents.  I hope it helps.  And if it doesn't, oh well.

I hope you find something that helps and works for you.
Good luck.

[Bfp2]

What kind of job do you have?

I work as a network engineer (think - IT dept.).  I have co-workers...other guys, I've worked with for almost 15 years.  My company is on the list of companies that support transgender individuals, just not sure how I can face the other people I work with, they would not understand.  It is a job predominated by men....and over the years they have expressed intolerance for people that are different.

Hannahh is exactly right. I'll bet that you are the kind of person that has always put others needs before your own. Now you are in deep, deep trouble and I see that your concern is still for everyone else. That is commendable, but it is not a very good direction for you right now. You are hurting and it's time to help yourself.

My instincts are to protect my wife and child, even and especially if I feel like I might be the cause of their pain.  I have always put them first...if I didn't care at all it would be an easy choice, I guess.  It is difficult to move my needs before theirs, but stopping how I feel is like attempting to stop breathing.  I can hold my breath for a while but in the end I'm gasping and clawing for this change.?.  It is a very odd experience because I don't feel like I would be putting a female costume on as much as just taking a horrible man one off.

When I spoke to my therapist I told her that I had read some things on here that made me think.  Someone had asked if you were all alone on an island and you had the choice to transition and live your life as a female would you do it, with no one else around and no hope of rescue (I guess a life time supply of hrt and clothes/makeup/etc wash up on shore)...  My answer was yes I would in a heartbeat.  I just don't know why I would, I'm the same person no matter what arn't I?  There would be no one there to treat me any different based on appearance, I just know that it matters to me a lot for some reason I can't explain.

I'm hopeful that things will get better, but this feels like the start of a long storm not the middle or end.  Thank you all very much for your advice, I really do appreciate it. 

[Ms Grace]

Hi Bfp2 - welcome to Susan's.

I can't really offer much in the way of your wife - judging by what others here have gone through, a number have experienced the hostile reaction that you have. In some cases it worked out, in others it did not. I agree with others that you need to look after yourself and be honest - but just gauge how much honesty she will be OK hearing vis-à-vis the cross dressing, the taping, etc. What she really needs to hear is how much you love her, how much she means to you but also the depth of pain you feel having been born into the wrong body and forced by circumstance to adopt and maintain a male identity. The practicalities are really somewhat secondary to the feelings involved - that's how I see it anyway. Avoid getting angry, speak in a reassuring way, be real with her and you may have a better chance of holding on.

It is a job predominated by men....and over the years they have expressed intolerance for people that are different.

While this is an understandable assessment, people are often intolerant because they are unfamiliar with the "different people"... when they are face to face with it and the different person is actually someone they know and respect, their intolerance can often evaporate. Not a given of course.

Anyway, great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Cheers

Grace

[helen2010]

A few proverbs I have been trying to live by:

1.  Take care of yourself.  You can't take care of anybody else unless you take care of yourself first.  As a parent, I normally apply this (and have to remind my wife of it) in regards to physical health, but it applies to mental health as well.  And in this case, it applies to both.  No matter what, you should make sure that you take care of yourself first, then you'll be able to deal with life.

2.  Everything happens for a reason.  To quote a song from The Prince of Egypt, "A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, can never see its purpose, in the pattern of the grand design".  In other words, just because you don't know why something is happening the way it is, that doesn't mean it has no reason or that you would be able to understand the reason even if you knew.  While I can't/don't apply this to the event specifics, I do apply this to the overall actions/reactions/events that occur in my life.  In your case, while the details of your wife's reaction may not have a reason, the end outcome will, which leads into the third proverb....

3.  Everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.  That's not saying that everything will turn out good, or to your liking, but that in the end, things fall into place for what should be.  I know 2 and 3 are kind of muddled together, but its how I keep sane (well, not completely insane ).  Maybe it is better for the two of you to separate, maybe not, I can't say.  All I know is that it is not easy, but the road less traveled is the one that is less smooth as well.

Maybe this analogy will help.  If you've been her rock, maybe remind her that pink quartz is just as strong, if not stronger, than blue granite.  Meaning that just because you are showing your true colors, if you will, that doesn't mean you are not still there to support her or your child in whatever it is they need support in.  All you're doing is asking her to reexamine the rock she's been using as the outer layer is worn away, revealing the true rock beneath.

Just my 2 cents.  I hope it helps.  And if it doesn't, oh well.

I hope you find something that helps and works for you.
Good luck.

Ravensong

Quite beautiful.  I will shamelessly appropriate this to help me on my path.

Aisla

[Hannahh]

Hi Bfp2

My instincts are to protect my wife and child, even and especially if I feel like I might be the cause of their pain.

You have the right to follow your instincts and they are praiseworthy, a picture of yourself.

I think that it is just your wife and child who are responsible of their happiness or pain. If a person think that her happiness or pain depends on other, never, this person can be herself and finally give her life to other and the situation becomes then this other person become dependant herself...

I think that it is a big mistake to hope to make happy another person. How can we know exactly what it makes happy someone ? often "someone" do not know herself ! then me or you ?

By contrast, happiness is infectious (like sadness)... and I think that is the best way to make happy someone.

I can help my daugthers to be happy when I try to show herselves what in the deepest of herselves can be make happy... you know, not my happiness vision. They need to find their own.
Now, if my daughters choose to be happy without me, probalby I would become sad. But I get this sadness because I would like that their happiness depend of mine... power question ?

Happiness is often very close to us ; just accept to see... the beauty of a bird, of a landscape, a smile, an eyes expression... and in the same time, we can choose to look at death, an accident, a pain, tears... All of these belong in the same reality. We have choice to look at what we want. You know, like the half part of glass with liquid and the other part without.

Take care of yourself, again and again, a real job every day.

Hannah(h)

[Ravensong]

Ravensong

Quite beautiful.  I will shamelessly appropriate this to help me on my path.

Aisla

Why thank you.  I try. Nothing in life is truly easy, so I have to find a way to stay sane.  I have to actually give thanks to my wife, soon to be ex, I guess, for a lot of this.

[imsuzi]

Hi,

I am in my mid 40s, have a wife of 13yrs - we have lived together for 23.  I've got a son who is 8 almost 9.  I am in therapy and I've been going long enough that my therapist is suggesting I make an appt. with the Endo (she is afraid, from our conversations, that I'm going to do the DIY route for hormones).

I came out to my wife/best and only friend about 2 weeks ago.  It was probably one of the worst life decisions I've ever made.  I can not tell you in words how badly she took this news.  I got her to see my therapist with me....another very bad move.

I've now asked my wife to go to a couples therapist with me who also deals with GID.  She has agreed but has made it clear that anything short of reaffirming my male identity will result in her departure with my son. 

I am not ok, I am dying.  I have been withering away for years staying in constant denial and playing a role that was not me.  I don't know why after 40 yrs of suppression, denial and hiding this comes on so strongly now, but it isn't something I can control or turn off....I've been this way since the age of 4.  I'm scared to death and now have to make an impossible choice, my family or me.  To lose my family would kill me, not accepting myself and ignoring my desperate need to transition will also kill me.

I am hurting so much, it is so overwhelming.  Every day is worse than the one before.  Not to mention I'm scared of changing:
-Will I pass.
-Will I be accepted at work.
-Will my wife stay with me and love me.
-What will my little boy think, will he be ok.

I have never been so desperate in my life.  I can't go forward and I can't go back.  What can I do??? 

My wife wants more details about my "condition", she wants to know how far I've gone down the rabbit hole.  Anything I tell her will make her super upset, I don't know what I'm going to say when we go to therapy together.  Do I tell her I've been cross dressing my entire life just to feel relief?  Do I confess to putting on makeup (badly), or that I've worn panties most of the time under my clothing.  Perhaps I can explain that I've painfully taped my privates flat to feel....what, less male?? 

I am happy for all of you that can know who you are and find happiness.  For me all I feel is pain, fear, shame, guilt and desperation.  There is no safe passage from where I am.

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. But your posting says it all -- "I am not OK ... I am dying" Untreated gender dysphoria is serious and only gets worse. And there is a tipping point for each of us. When the pain becomes greater than the fear of the consequences (marriage, etc) we are compelled to seek help.

I would not be inclined to tell your wife about your cross dressing, makeup, etc. I don't believe revealing those sorts of details serve any purpose except to cause further pain. However, I do believe it is important to convey the depths of your pain, that it has not been a recent phenomenon but one you have tried to resolve unsuccessfully, and the seriousness of not dealing with it. In that regard, I believe a therapist would be most helpful.

[Bfp2]

It is strange to go back all these years later and look at what I originally posted.  I am still with my wife but we live very much day to day...I still love her with all my heart.  She does not accept me and talks about how I should move out every day.  We are still in love...I'm don't think that will ever change.

I did transition, I am currently at 4+ years HRT.  I transitioned socially and at work as well as changed my name and legal documents everywhere I could.  My son accepts me and when he was young (9 yrs old), probably took the news better than anyone I've ever come out to.

I still don't want to lose my wife...but had I not transitioned....I am certain that I would not be here now.

[Virginia]

THANK YOU. For taking the time to follow up. And for letting people who are in the situation you were in 2014 today, Know There IS Hope. There is no surety in life; it is constantly changing. No one can really hope for more than to live it day by day.