I think I'm breaking inside

[gwencook]

Hey all,
So things have been a bit haywire recently. Ive been trying to avoid any thoughts to do with gender and its not going so well. Everything im doing seems to be failing. My mind constantly races with different thoughts. I'm finding it harder and harder to try and pretend to be happy each and every day, and I'm starting to go back to the bad thoughts of ending  everything. I feel that broken inside that it feels like it would be so much easier to end everything.
The only time my mind slowed was on my first day of gym a few days ago. Whilst my energy levels were higher my mind seemed to slow. But that turned out to be a once only fix as I have been unable to provide that kind of feeling calm agin.
I'm struggling that much that I've decided to take a massive gamble and tell my stepmom everything in a couple of days and if that goes wrong then I really have no idea what to do.
I'll let people know how things go on a few days  time. 
I love you all and hope that everything goes well for you.
Xox

[Denise]

Gwencook,

I'm not sure if you're looking for any ideas/help/... but I have a suggestion that helped me to come out to a ton of people.  I didn't use the work Transgender, ever.  I let them make that leap.  I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria which sometimes pushes people to transition. 

I think asking your stepmom to help you find a therapist to work through everything might also be a direction you can go.  Let a therapist decide if you have gender dysphoria.  Let them do their job, don't walk in and say "I have Gender Dysphoria."  Talk with them and be honest.  If you don't tell them everything and being honest you'll do nothing but waste your time and money.  Therapy is helpful at getting your thoughts in order.

Good luck and I hope all goes well

Denise

[gwencook]

Thank you for your response.
When I was back in the UK I did visit a therapist who helped me with my gender (as well as other issues). Her advice was that I'm do have GD and that it started way back when I was actually a child.
Would you still recommend that I visit a fully classed gender therapist, as those seem to be looking around $200 per session?

[Virginia]

"When the only tool you have is a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail."
Deciding to go a Gender Therapist was the BIGGEST mistake I ever made. My therapist's misdiagnosis of my Dissociative Identity Disorder as Transgender Gender Dysphoria nearly cost my marriage and the life I'd spent 48 years building.

There are too many reasons a person may feel a need to express themself as another gender that are much more common than being transgender. Until a person reaches the point of being ready to transition, I see general therapy as a better option for helping them, sort out what the actual underlying cause may be.

[Dena]

Where a therapist comes in handy is if you have issues that your unable to resolve by yourself. A therapist isn't as important if your able to deal with the issues your facing but it not, possibly an occasional visit to a therapist would be be beneficial.

[gwencook]

Thanks for the the responses. Apart from gender issues racing around my head I'm able to deal with pretty much everything else. Its so strange knowing that I'm able to deal with the abuse (including sexual) that I had for many hears easier then dealing with my gender.
I'm about 99.9% sure that I want to go through with the whole transition but the bit holding me back is that I worry about the possibility of cutting my family out of my life as I would be unable to cope without my family again. The first time was painful enough (context: my stepdad cut me of from every single person in my family including my mom for yesrs)

[Sarahthenerd]

Gwen,

As someone who experienced repeated trauma, i can't stress how helpful therapy can be. You can ask to see one without outing yourself to your parents. It's a great starting point regardless of weather you transition or not.


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[gwencook]

I did go for therapy for about 7 months and it really helped to be honest about loads of different things bit as I mentioned it was a case of just a normal therapist and not one specialized in gender