Just after Some Advice :)

[ShannonH]

Hello, New here.

I did post this in the introduction page but was hoping I could get some incite into my current issues here I hope that is okay!

I would consider myself an incredibly lost male who has no Idea what he wants/needs or is/has been going through for most of my life.

I have suffered depression and social anxiety pretty much My whole life and mostly noticeable in my adult years. I would never be able to spend anytime around other males unless I was 100% pretending I was someone else and I would feel very uncomfortable and get extremely defensive. , I would always hang with the girls at school and even My best friend since year 1 is a woman.

I had recently started getting help for my depression and anxiety a few months ago and also have been getting professional help for this, which has also made me think about myself as a person a whole lot more than I ever have before.

I feel my sub-conscience mind has been pushing all the memory's and thoughts I have always had to the back of my head and telling me that there is nothing wrong. lets just say I have had a realisation that I am not happy with my gender as a male and never have been and I am honest to god scared and want to cry and just wish I knew what to do with all these recent memory's coming back and situations in my life that I have now realised meant something bigger than I had thought.

For example, When I was about 5 I would always want to spend time with my older sister and her friends, they would dress me in girls clothes and think it was making me annoyed or angry or trying to annoy me, but in reality I loved it and felt happy and did not want to stop. I would sing along in their pretend spice girl band as well (haha)
Also at the age of about 13 I told my best friend that I wanted to get a sex change when I was older..

Fast forward to my early teenage years, I would constantly fantasise about being a woman and I would dress in woman's clothes all the time when no one was home.

I have extremely long eye-lashes and girl features that people have always complemented me on and in secret I love these features the most and craved these complements.

Fast forward to the last few years, My now girlfriend has said to me a number of times I am not like normal males, I am different, I am caring I have extreme emotions and cry without any type of embarrassment.
I am still incredibly defensive around other males and I do not have any male friends.

During intimacy with my gf I have never enjoyed being the ''dominant'' one or one that takes the lead, when I try to do this, it is very hard to enjoy myself or perform in an ''expectable manner''. I always fantasise about being swept of my feet and handled with care and love. I have tried plenty of times while in the moment to try and convince my gf to do reverse gender role plays.

I have also always felt the need to please her sexually way more than my self which we both have always found odd.

I love women's Hair, I even considered becoming a hair dresser in high school but chose not to because I was worried what people might think.

I love shopping, I could shop for hours with my gf. I absolutely dream of wearing makeup and picking the most beautiful clothes to wear even though I am so worried about how I would look silly in my current state as a male.

But on the outside of all this, I am really not sure what is going on. it just feels like I have been missing something my whole life and have never been able to find who I want/need to be, it has been my biggest question my whole adult life.

Also A big apology for this extra long Post, I am just scared and have just felt recently I have realised something and I am just not sure what to do (just in a difficult place at the moment)

[Denise]

Shannon,

You do have a lot on your mind.  If you have the ability, I suggest seeing a professional therapist and if they have gender speciality that would be good.  Let them help you work through your thoughts and get them in order.  In my case it helped a lot and I'm mentally and physically feeling much better today than 3 years ago.

Transition takes time and there is no magic pill (although Spiro helped me very quickly) so be patient.

Denise

[StacyRenee]

Fast forward to my early teenage years, I would constantly fantasise about being a woman and I would dress in woman's clothes all the time when no one was home.

During intimacy with my gf I have never enjoyed being the ''dominant'' one or one that takes the lead, when I try to do this, it is very hard to enjoy myself or perform in an ''expectable manner''.

I have also always felt the need to please her sexually way more than my self which we both have always found odd.

I love women's Hair, I even considered becoming a hair dresser in high school but chose not to because I was worried what people might think.

I love shopping, I could shop for hours with my gf. I absolutely dream of wearing makeup and picking the most beautiful clothes to wear even though I am so worried about how I would look silly in my current state as a male.

Get out of my head! Seriously!
All of those things describe me to a tee. I bet you'll get a lot of that here though. But seriously though, find a therapist (preferably one that specializes in gender issues) and talk this out.

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[ShannonH]

Shannon,

You do have a lot on your mind.  If you have the ability, I suggest seeing a professional therapist and if they have gender speciality that would be good.  Let them help you work through your thoughts and get them in order.  In my case it helped a lot and I'm mentally and physically feeling much better today than 3 years ago.

Transition takes time and there is no magic pill (although Spiro helped me very quickly) so be patient.

Denise

Thank you Denise for your help, I do see a psychologist and my next session is next week.
I am hoping I have enough strength to tell her all this.

I guess I haven't yet because I am scared as to what she will say.

[Sarah77]

Thank you Denise for your help, I do see a psychologist and my next session is next week.
I am hoping I have enough strength to tell her all this.

I guess I haven't yet because I am scared as to what she will say.

good move. don't fear the therapist..it will open up a flood of latent emotions though. You will work out who you are and what you want hopefully. Best of luck.

btw...I always wanted to be Posh or Baby Spice when I was younger, but now I'd plump for Ginger!

[Virginia]

I am proud of you, ShannonH. You have taken and extremely difficult and important first step by beginning therapy.

There are too many reasons a person may feel a need to express themself as another gender that are much more common than being transgender. Many cisgender men who were sexually abused as children have sexual fantasies about becoming women, need to dress as women, experience extreme guilt related to masturbation, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals. One in Six men are sexually abused so these are all quite common in cisgender males and are not necessarily related to ->-bleeped-<-. The mind's ability to protect us from things too painful to remember makes it extremely difficult to determine the underlying cause. It can takes years of therapy particularly for a transgender child with a history of abuse.

[KathyLauren]

Shannon, first of all, here's a (((((HUG)))))!

Relax, what you describe is so familiar that most of us could have written the same words.  Please do tell the psychologist about this.  They can't really help you unless you reveal your true feelings.  This is a big deal: they need to know in order to help you.

Don't be surprised if they refer you to a therapist who specializes in gender issues.  Unless they have the specialized experience of dealing with gender issues, a regular psychologist may be out of their depth.

Please feel free to vent about the frustrations and confusion you are experiencing.  We get it.  We have been there.

[ShannonH]

Thank you All for your amazing support, Yes I think I will tell My psychologist about everything lets just hope she can help

You all have helped more than you know just by sharing your words and thoughts.


'Hugs to you all'

[Stephanie Vaughan]

Hello ShannonH

Wow, this all sounds so familiar, good for you seeking help. I don't know how old you are but it's never too late, I battled with it for over forty years before doing something about it and although it's been a tough journey and there are still challenges ahead it's been so worth it. Get on to every forum you can find, talk to as many transgender people as possible and do what feels right. Why shouldn't you live as the person you want to be?
Once there you will understand the true meaning of "living the dream" I dreamt of being Stephanie for so long it doesn't matter what life throws at me now as I have the courage to deal with it. We are an incredibly caring group of people who only want to help and you've made the first step, good luck in your quest.
One last thing, don't ever think you won't "pass" if you believe in yourself it is a breeze.
Love and hugs (which are very important!)

Stephanie xx


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[Stevi]

Shannon,

Don't be afraid to open up to your therapist.  If they have any experience at all, you can't tell them much that they haven't heard before. Your story isn't much different than many of us here.  If you want their help, you need to be honest with yourself and open with them.

Good luck to you,
Stevi