Please help

[ds1987]

I've been so back and forth about having GCS.  I started taking hormones last April, and this surgery was one of those "eventually, probably" things.  Since then, I've had periods of thinking I never want it, that I can live as me without needing to do that.  Then there are other times that I feel like I really need it, and it seems so much more important to me during those times.

More recently, I've been feeling more and more that I don't want what I currently have, and this is even stronger than the feeling that I want the other.  I've thought about orchiectomy before, from a tucking and aesthetic standpoint, and wondered if this would be "enough."  But now the desires are becoming much more pervasive, as I've been claiming and internalizing my identity of womanhood in my body, sexuality, emotional capacity, intellect, etc.  This is not to say that I feel like I "need" to have surgery in order to be a woman.  But I'm feeling much more drawn to what could be the completion of me, that which I never had to become who I never was.

I hope this makes sense.  And I know that no one can give me "the answer," that I alone can reach it.  But if you can relate, if you understand this state of mind, of being, please let me know.  Even solidarity helps.  I am scared. Scared of complications and pain, sure.  But also scared of truth, of the unknown, of making a mistake, of...so much.  These fears seem to be a stronger version of those I'd felt before starting hormones, before beginning my transition.

Thank you for reading.  And thank you for your answers, you who will respond.

Aria

[Samanthaburgess]

Hi Aria

I hope your ok  I kanow what its like to feel this way, I went through a similar thing. When i was transitioning i put GCS way on the bottom of my list, at the time it didnt seam like an important thing and like you said it became one of those eventually, probably things. so i transitioned sowhen i had been on hormones for like 2 years and started adjusting to a new way of living, new job, made new friends etc that had no idea of who i was less than a year ago. 

I never had any dysphoria cos of my male genitalia and the only time i had an issue with it was when it came to relationships.  After a while of seeing myself as just female I started having a body image issue when i saw myself naked and at that point i had to have GCS, for myself.

GCS is one of those things you should never do until you are 100% sure you definatally need it cos it is irreversable.  The way i see it it that whats between your legs is only going to be seen by yourself and anyone your intimate with. If your with someone who has an issue with it, dump them, lol. If you have an issue with it thats preventing you from living your life the way you want to, Then GCS may be the way forward. It was for me and have no regrets.

Take care,

Sam

[LizK]

Hi Aria

I can relate to your dilemma...at 54 and married for 33 years why in the heck would I need GCS...logically I do not need a functioning vagina for sexual purposes. At my age the risk of complications are certainly higher and the recovery is likely to be slower that someone younger and the chances I will ever use my new equipment is very low.

I was in a real dilema about it for such a long time. I had the money set aside to pay for it all so the finacial side had been taken care of, the logical part of my brain would list all the reason I should not be having the surgery yet the other part of me would always say after a tirade of reasons not too..."Yeah but..."

One day about 12 months ago I came home to find a demand from the tax department for over $20,000 and a quick investigation showed that due to the way I had presented my taxes I was liable for the debt unless I could prove a couple of very diffcult things. Effectively the funds I had set aside would be "Taken" to cover my debt. GCS was off and the likly hood that I, at my age, on a disability pension would ever have the funds needed again was highly unlikly. In fact to be honest if they had taken the funds GCS was all over for me.

At this point I was devestated....there are some hear who came to my emotional rescue.(Thanks to Mariah, Cindy Laurie, Michelle, Moni, Tia and a number of other gals) I was a complete wreck, the thought that I was no longer going to have GCS consumed me with grief. I reacted in a really bad way and if it wasn't for a couple of people talking me down and through the problem there is not doubt in my mind it would have ended tragically. What I realised is that this was no casual thing for me but something that was really important. As it turned out a mistake in the paper work took the debt from $22892.00 to $935. Which was finally rectified some 6 months later.

After this episode I really began to consider my decision in a new light, I began to examine my feelings about GCS.., was I upset because someone snatched away the opportunity for GCS or simply because I had been told NO....  It wasn't until it was nearly taken from me did I begin to realise the importance to me.

This surgery is about me and necessary for my long term mental health. I don't know if my approach is of any value to you but I offer it up because it set me to thinking about this in a different way.

Take care

Liz

[Complete]

The bottom line is who you are and what YOUR needs are. Many older transitioners are in long term marriages with little desire to move beyond that comfortable space. On the otherhand there are those for whom nothing less than a full and total physical (surgical) reconfiguration will do.
For some this path is clear from the outset. For others these needs become apparent over time as the slow evolution of self realization takes it natural course.

[sarah1972]

Hi Aria -

I fully understand the motions you are going through. When I started my journey, I was fairly convinced I never want surgery.

Now I am 20 months on HRT and live full time and everything has changed to the point that I have started the process for GRS. In between I had considered BA as well.

And yes, it is mostly about it being gone. Every time in the gym I am worried about being discovered. I have also had numerous dreams about having the right genitals.

I do live in a committed relationship, so there is really little need for a change but I do know I want at least to look right.

Given previous responses, I would say this is not as uncommon as you think. The first few years are full of discovering new things.

I hope you can find a way for you, whichever it is. You need to be happy!

Hugs,

Sarah

[Complete]

"I do live in a committed relationship, so there is really little need for a change but I do know I want at least to look right."

From what l have read, it seems that for many, looks is more important than function. Nevertheless,  there are many of us that the need for a properly configured body is paramount. That is not to say that one is better than, or more important than. It just shows just how different and diverse we all are.

[ds1987]

the logical part of my brain would list all the reason I should not be having the surgery yet the other part of me would always say after a tirade of reasons not too..."Yeah but..."

Liz, this does help.  I haven't learned to trust my emotional reasoning, my feelings, because I've been so adamant for so long that I need to strengthen my logical side and let it guide me more.  I've been under the impression that emotions are misleading and wishy-washy and ultimately cannot be trusted.

But my logical side almost held me back from starting my transition in the first place.  And then it almost stopped me from taking hormones.  I know I need to listen to logic, because I can't just say "well I feel this, therefore," and then just do whatever it is I'm feeling.  But I also know that if I turn solely to that side in lieu of what I feel I want and need, I might miss out on something worth risking all of the logical issues for.

[ds1987]

From what l have read, it seems that for many, looks is more important than function. Nevertheless,  there are many of us that the need for a properly configured body is paramount. That is not to say that one is better than, or more important than. It just shows just how different and diverse we all are.

I'm starting to think that it's more than looks and even more than function. 

I'm starting to think it's your profile name.

Complete.  I've never ever felt that in any sense of the word.  I've always felt broken, undone, a "work in progress."  There have been times that I've hated transitioning.  And not because of the issues surrounding it, or my impatience, or even the dysphoria, though those are all part of it.  But because I've felt like it's just another thing about me that isn't done.

But, god, this is the first thing I've done that I actually feel is bringing me to the completion I've never felt.  And in this moment, as I type these words, I feel an overwhelming understanding.  I need to be complete.  And despite all of my fears and questions and doubts...maybe this would be how I become whole.

I also know that tomorrow - heck, in five minutes - I'll have other reasons pop up or the same what-ifs making me crazy.  But this moment is another that is guiding me on. 

Thank you all for your replies.

[Complete]

"I've been claiming and internalizing my identity of womanhood in my body, sexuality, emotional capacity, intellect  etc."
Hmmmm....ya think?😉

[LizK]

But, god, this is the first thing I've done that I actually feel is bringing me to the completion I've never felt.  And in this moment, as I type these words, I feel an overwhelming understanding.  I need to be complete.  And despite all of my fears and questions and doubts...maybe this would be how I become whole.



Thank you all for your replies.

Nailed it....could not have put it better myself....feeling complete is about as close as I can get to what I want.



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[Rachel]

I had severe genital dysphoria. I wanted GCS for a very long time but I was so afraid of transition and what that meant.

Transition is ironic. As time goes by in RLE the issues that I made to stop me vanished. Then the need increased as the fear subsided.

Lets say you wanted GCS in a year. You would need to start genital hair removal ASAP. 6 sessions 4 weeks apart and ending 6 months before GCS. This is optimum for skin recovery from the electrolysis. Where I went they did genital numbing and they turned the machine up high. You may want to schedule 7 sessions. Also, with the hair removal make sure the surgeon also does follicle removal.

The surgery consultation. For Dr. McGinn it is 1 year and Dr. Bowers it is I think 3 years. It is doctor dependent. So, if you want GCS maybe it would be in your best interest to start hair removal ASAP. You have time to figure it out and worse case can change your mind.

I have a friend that backed out of GCS 1 week before the operation. She told me she wanted to be married more than being single and complete. I felt so sad for her but understand her decision and support her decision.

If you need GCS then it is awesome. I hated my genitals and am so glad I am properly configured. It would be hell if I had made a rash decision and regretted my decision. You have time and can make an appointment for GCS with a doctor and start the hair removal process.

One thing I highly recommend is getting the electrolysis (6 session) and also the follicle removal during GCS. 1 hair can make a smelly mess in your vagina and it is something that needs constant cleaning. I have no hair and use a shower hose to direct a stream of water into my vagina opening each morning. I use a little soap and a finger (as directed by my doctor). My vagina smells like a vagina and I do not have any strong smells, just a light vagina smell.

[Violet]

I tried the Orchiectomy last year, but after a short time I realized that I still needed the SRS. My own dysphoria was extreme to say the least. Now that I have completed SRS my gender dysphoria is completely gone! Best thing I ever did for myself! ♥