Meeting with my trans friend and hoping to find my courage tomorrow!!!

[Danielle Kristina]

Coming out is very scary for me.  I'm sure it is that way for most, if not all, of us in the beginning.  I indirectly came out to a co-worker who is questioning her own gender identity the other day and tomorrow I'm meeting with a friend of mine who is openly transgender.  I almost came out to my friend a month or so ago, but my fear stopped me.  Being transgender herself, she would be perfect for helping me learn to love and accept myself as a trans person.  The more I explore my gender, the more I am convinced that I cannot do this on my own. 

Lately I've been feeling like something is missing; I need a friend and an ally who can "show me the ropes" and hold my hand as I slowly transition.  I've been trans my entire life (37 years) and it is still so new to me!  There is so much about being a woman that I don't know.  I don't know how to put on makeup, style my hair, or paint my nails.  I don't know how to let go of my masculinity and allow my femininity to shine.  I don't know how to present myself to the world as a transwoman without my fears torturing me into the darkness of isolation.  I'm in a 12-Step program and one thing I learned from recovery is that I cannot do this alone.  In early recovery I had some of the same fears.  I also had people who were just like me who knew how to live life sober and were more than willing to help me do the same.  As a trans person I need others who are also transgender so I can learn from them.  So I'm hoping that by tomorrow night I will not only have come out to someone, but also have someone who can help me become the woman I was born to be.

Here's to overcoming my fear!!!


Danielle

[Northern Star Girl]

@Danielle Kristina
Dear Danielle:
I do indeed recall your previous recent post where you mentioned that you "kinda" outed yourself to your co-worker.  I think that you said that she was Bi or Lesbian and that she might have figured out that you were transgender without you confirming that.

The good news also is that you found are developing a like-minded transgender friend that you can talk openly with and discuss things that only transgender persons can identify with is immensely helpful to both parties.

Regarding makeup, clothing, jewellery, etc...  I was fortunate enough to have a few cis-women friends that were very accepting of me and they would spend time with me showing me "the ropes" as you said.

Yes, the fear that you are feeling is definitely REAL, but as you continue in your journey, and with your new like-minded friend(s) by your side, things will definitely turn from fear to acceptance and understanding.   The transition ride, exploring your "passing" ability and coming out can all start out very scary and frightening, but soon enough your self-confidence and self-assurance will build and things can become a joyful experience as you continue in your journey and experience body changes, and learn and develop the mental attributes that cis-women all learned at a younger age.

Hang on for an exciting time ahead.  It is very nice that you have found a companion and a helpful guide to be at your side.

I will be looking forward to your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.
Hugs, and well wishes as always,
Danielle (the Alaskan one)

[Kendra]

Danielle Kristina I share your fear, I had similar concerns before I started coming out.  For many years before that I was so convinced this was all impossible I had abandoned and literally forgot how to dream - neglected what I wanted so much when I was younger. 

And then I realized transition is easier than trying to fit into the wrong gender and meet expectations that are unnatural for my brain.  I think that's why many of us describe this like a pressure cooker and we get to the point where we can't continue to postpone what is best for us.  But it is still so scary to completely open up and tell the first few people.  Heck, there was a point where I was too scared to admit it to myself.  Once I had a few good experiences I became bolder and then realized - why had I been embarrassed by something that requires creativity, ambition and self-awareness?  Transition isn't for the lazy.

After awhile I started having fun coming out to others.  For example at work.

Don't worry too much about details like makeup, hair, nails.  Seems baffling at first but you'll pick it up - it's not rocket science but does take trial and error to learn just like anything else.  When I screw up I have been known to mutter to myself "I have be smarter than that makeup."  Once you gain more practice and confidence you'll make adjustments and come up with your own personal style and that can be quite fun. 

[HappyMoni]

Danielle,
   You pretty clearly want to tell your friend and you are right, you do need to find support. Breaking through and actually doing it the first few times is scary as hell. I might suggest a method that could help you in the telling. Hopefully you can be in a place were you can talk quietly and won't get interrupted. You might start by stating that you really want to share something with her, but you are really scared. I would state that it would strictly be between the two of you. Come to an agreement on the terms of how the conversation must be done before revealing what you want to say. You might even ask if she wants to hear it. By doing this, you can get a feel for her possible reaction. If you get a bad vibe, you can back away. There is something confidence building in hearing the other person verbally agree to your terms. The fact that you are making a big deal about coming to an agreement before telling also tells that person, that yeah, you are seriously terrified and needing that trust. She may even figure it out at this point, considering her background, but you are still in control of the message until you say it. Chances are you have an audience there who will be very happy for you. The second person I told was my electrologist and she was over the moon excited for me. I was like really? No shock, no looking down your nose at my 'awful' secret? No, more like, "Well the HRT will take care of this chest hair, let's start on your face instead." Danielle, if it goes like it did for me, you will feel a rush of emotion at having shared the secret. I hope  you follow through today, that feeling is incredible. Good luck, Sweetie!
Moni
Oh, the first person I told was my doctor. I was so nervous I had to read it, which was hard to read with my hands shaking so bad.

[Danielle Kristina]

Well I did it!  It didn't go exactly as I planned, but I came out to her.  It was by text message, but I came out. 

I went to her house this afternoon and hung out with her and her family.  It took all day for me to muster up the courage to spill the secret.  In fact, I waited until I got back home.  Then I sent her a text message thanking her and her family for having me over and their hospitality.  After that, I sent a "BTW" message.  She had once asked me about a month ago what type of therapy I was undergoing and I fumbled with the answer, too afraid to say that I was in gender therapy, but tonight I said, "By the way, I'm in gender therapy."  I explained how scared I was and how I haven't told anyone.  She responded very positively, as I knew she would, and is more than willing to discuss it with me if I'm willing.  From her responses she sounds as excited as I am!


Thank you all for the encouragement and support!!!



Danielle

[HappyMoni]

Danielle,
   Yea, I'm proud  of you. There is a real joy in helping a fellow trans person. I have seen it with a lot of cis woman also. Women are less competitive, at least from what I found. It makes such a difference to have someone in your corner. I'm sure you will feel talking face to face. Each step makes the next one just a bit easier.
Moni