I originally found this site almost two years ago. I lurked as a guest for a while, and have recently come back.
My aha moment 2 years ago came when my ex persuaded me to go to a gig with her by a band called Against Me. All I knew of them going in was that all the songs I'd heard her play of them were shouty (not my thing) and that their lead singer had come out as transgender a couple of years previously. At that time my knowledge of all things trans was limited to the sorts of things you read in the media etc, so I really did not know what to expect going in. When they started playing though and I was getting into it (actually I really like their newer stuff!) I got this feeling that I can only describe as a kind of jealousy of Laura, their singer. Which made no sense to me at all at that time.
In the following days though, these thoughts persisted and I realised it might not just be because I was watching a fellow musician having fun onstage. Aaaand then I started remembering things from childhood. These cheap little pink plastic clip on earrings that I had (I have no idea why I had them... I just know that I liked them), trying on heels and other clothing when I was home alone. And then the big one - I remembered at about 8 years old fervently praying every night that I would wake up the next day as a girl. Kind of a giveaway in hindsight. Other things started to make sense too. Having almost exclusively female friends at primary school and then being a loner at secondary school (where being older the sexes segregate more, especially as it was a private school). Always wanting long hair (which I've now had for a decade
) and the crushing depression every time my school made me cut it (which I now realise was most likely dysphoria). And being told in just about every relationship I've ever had: "you're not like most guys..."
After about 3 months these feelings subsided though. I've no idea why, but there they stayed for almost a year. They flickered back at the beginning of this year - my ex announced she wanted to separate, and one of the first thoughts in my head was "if I live alone I can buy girly stuff and wear dresses without worrying about anyone else seeing. Hello thought, where did you come from?! She moved out in June (but left most of her clothes as she said they'll just be going to a charity shop anyway), and a couple of weeks later I thought "well if you don't want this stuff...". I picked a dress, put it on and WOW - I understood the gender euphoria thing that I'd read about. Looking in a mirror and not just being like "ok, yup that's me" but thinking "OMG that's me
".
Which brings me to now really. I'd never joined before as I think in my mind doing so would make it real, something I was admitting to myself. I'm still working out where I fit exactly on the gender spectrum but I'm ok with that. For now I'm just happy to finally be embracing this part of me, however big (and let's be honest, the signs are pointing to that being the case) or small, that has been repressed and dormant all these years.
Thank you if you've read to the end of my epic monologue (although it has been good to type out even if no one does!) and also thank you to everyone whose posts I've read while hiding in the shadows. They have helped a lot with me getting to where I am now
