Discouraged

[Melinda@heart]

The last few days I have found myself really discouraged. I started HRT on 4.30.18 and it was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I drove away from Drs office feeling like a giddy school girl. That feeling remained that entire week. As the months went by I was still happy but that initial joy didn't last. Now, 4 months later I find myself questioning my decision. I feel different. I'm less aggressive and grumpy. I just find myself questioning whether I made the right decision. No one can answer that but me.

My mind battles with questions about how I'll look. How feminine will I be. Will I pass? Will I all my friends and family turn me away? I refuse to get depressed about it but the last few days I didn't take my meds. For one, Spiro wakes me up to pee all night even I don't drink anything after 6pm. I haven't slept well in months. That also is because my Dr. gave me Phentermine to help with weight loss and it can induce insomnia. I seem to have rested well the last two nights because I didn't take any meds.

This morning I took my E and my Phentermine but not my Spiro. I just needed a break from the way it makes me feel. I need to talk to my Dr about an alternative.

I also struggle with not having anyone to talk to about this on a regular basis. The 2 guy friends I have come out to are ok with it, but they're not the type of friends you talk with about these things. My female friend Amy is encouraging, but she has her own life and is pretty busy with her BF and 4 jobs. She doesn't really have time to talk. My therapist has so many patients that I'm lucky to see her once a month. I'm just really feeling alone on this difficult road.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement. I hate to be needy, but yeah, that's how I feel right now. And to think, I use to complain about needy girlfriends... now I get it. I guess the E has mmo feeling this way? Irony at its best...

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[Dee Marshall]

We all feel needy and insecure about this at times. We also tend to focus on the bad not the good. Try this. Take a notebook that you can carry with you. When something is good about your life write down the day and time and what it was. Your notes don't need to be elaborate but you can write them as you wish. DON'T WRITE DOWN NEGATIVES. Do write down every little good thing, no matter how minor. When you feel down, or just wanna, read them over.


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[Cheyanne]

I agree, a journal does help but, understand that you are changing your hormone levels and your mood will fluctuate because of this. One thing I have had to deal with is how to manage my emotions, same as every other women. Its just part of the transitioning fun. You got this girl! [emoji16]

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[AnonyMs]

I find hrt reduces dysphoria which tends to make you wonder why you're doing all this.

Phentermine is not really good long term. You get tolerant quite quickly and it stops working. I think it's best if used to get started with reducing food intake, then stop using it.

[Melinda@heart]

I'm going to avoid the Phentermine for a few weeks. I only took it for 30 days. I lost 20 pounds by changing my eating habits and taking it in the first 3 weeks. I plateaued after that and didn't notice much difference in weight. I still watch what I eat and have my calorie intake at a deficit. I think a 2 week break from the Phentermine will help some.

As far as the journal, I will give it a try. I'm kinda  flakey on stuff like that. I tend to start things and then forget about them a few days later. Speaking of forgetting things. That seems to have become a more frequent issue in the last couple of months. Just wondering if that's an HRT thing.

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[heather3791]

Hi Melinda, I haven't started HRT yet so I'm not the most qualified to give you advice. But in regards to the sleep issues I can identify. I too had sleep problems for a while. I started running 3 times per week and my sleep improved dramatically. Plus I lost quite a bit of weight. So for me personally it was a win win. I'm not sure if you currently run or do any other exercise. If you don't then maybe give it a try. Feel free to PM me if you need any advise or have questions. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there!

[Bari Jo]

Hi Melinda, I've had a lot of experience with that feeling.  After a few months on hrt the dysphoria is lower even to the point of not feeling it.  Then you have doubts.  I quit a few times when having this feeling.  The dysphoria comes back, or at least it did for me and it was much worse each time.  I'm on hrt for good now.  I hope you gain clarity without the stopping and starting episodes I had.

Bari Jo

[Nikkimn]

Completely normal and to be expected. It happens because in the beginning you have a ton of euphoria and you're riding a high. Once you level out to a new normal you start to doubt things because you're no longer have that new relationship experience with yourself. All it takes for me to snap out of it is to imagine myself back to the way I was as male and look at old pictures and I get a wave of dysphoria and it kicks me back into gear. I think it helps to take little baby steps in the right direction to keep moving forward too. I talked to my counselor about the very same thing as you at about 4 months HRT. Just gotta remember how great you feel as the new you. There's no reason to turn back. There's a reason you set off on his journey and it's important to remember your why.


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