I can sort of relate in that, instead of trying my best to be all masculine that I'm basically stealth, because of my mental issues (depression, etc) I find that most days I dont have it in me to even put on a binder. (Im 36DD too) so between people gawking at me for not "wearing a bra like a normal lady" and well, dealimg with the dysphoria that comes with not passing as a man, it hurts. Ive been transitioning for 5 years now. I got so depressed I went off HRT for a few months this year when i actually was passing 90% of the time and screwed things up that i almost have to start over again. And I noticed that at the height of my "passing "my dysphoria was showing whenever I didnt, worse than before. I was a little mad at myself for starting this in the first place, even if ive had the luck of being mostly accepted in my family and having resources. Its almost as if when I wasn't focusing on the dysphoria and just thought it was a weird sort of depression, I was okayish. Now I feel more anxiety about all the times I get those double takes. I am mostly appearing androgynous at most because Im finding all the anxiety and overwhelming feelings too much to bear. But I'm trying to see a therapist and talk it out. Im focusing on not missing shots and forcing myself through the motions.
We got dealt a bad starting hand. Most people are born in their right bodies. They get to move on in life. We have to start from the beginning and become who we truly are before we can be completely happy in life. More steps for us, but we're strong people. The best thing I can tell you is reach out, maybe speak to a specialist therapist who knows/focuses on gender identity. Take the time to breathe and relax. Find what makes you the most comfortable, and even if it means being androgynous at the moment, then so be it. Take care of your body health wise, mental wise,and remember that even if its going to be a long, long uphil battle, one day you'll be the true you. And you'll be happy. And loving yourself will invite others to love you for you too. Even if people might give you side way glances, even if you dont pass in the end, as long as YOU look in the mirror and feel happy, then you can remind yourself that those people don't matter. Passing doesnt always equal happiness, some people learn how to love themselves however they are or dont mind/like appearing andro.
Just remember that as long as you follow your heart and keep your head up then you will always be able to get over those jerks and transphobic people. I know this wound up being a long rant thing, but I know what you mean. My dysphoria is ruining my relationship but I know that if I stay on the road to becoming me, that itll get better and I need to not let the bad feelings get me down. And I feel the need to be validated too, but thats something we need to remind ourselves that isnt integral to our happiness. At the end of the day you wont see those people again or even if you do, they have their own worries. And if any are cruel, then they must be unhappy to project it onto you or any other transwoman (or anyone in general). Find your happiness, it'll change everything : )
-Adam
