First of all before I start, I'm sorry if this is a long post I just really need to rant a bit and just say what I've been up to.
I really have been worrying lately if I really am transgender. It really varies, I go from incredibly disphoric and longing to transition to just not really carrying and being happy. At times I've even regarded transition as ridiculous (for me, not in general). Often if I am on this site or talking about it I feel much more like I need to transition but during daily life I more often than not don't even think about it. My mum says that I don't stand or walk like a girl either so I'm not doing it sub consciously!
I haven't cross dressed since I last spoke of it, even when I could have had the opportunity but I definitely want to at the moment I just can't work up the courage to ask again. I remember it made me happy but also kinda awkward.
Another thing I often see on here is that people are often better friends with people of the gender they are transitioning to but all of my close friends are guys and I often get kinda awkward around girls. Now admittedly I do go to a boys school so I don't really have the opportunity to make friends with girls but even at explorer scouts I mostly stick with guys. I am however a kinda shy person but I can talk to people easily once I've found a common interest and I did chat with some girls at explorers about anime and running which was nice and I also got back in touch one of my best friends who I had lost touch with. I had/have? a crush on her and we went out for coffee and talked about nerdy stuff which was really nice. We planned to meet again but we kinda drifted apart again and she mostly stopped replying to my texts so I can only assume she isn't interested but I don't think I ever implied I was interested in dating so I'm not really sure why.
Talking of love, when I'm in guy mode I definitely much much more into women and I don't really consider myself gay but if I'm attracted to a guy I almost always think of my self as female. Because of this, part of me worries that this is all just sexual or it's some weird fetish and that makes me really worried as I feel like this is or should be more than that and is part of who I am. The thing I always find my self wishing for the most though, more than breasts or looking more feminine is having a vagina.
Another part of me wonders if I'm actually non-binary or gender fluid and that scares me even more because then I might not be happy as either gender and I'll constantly wish to be the other gender. I really wish I could just know either way rather than being stuck in the middle. If I could have any power it would definitely be to shapeshift so I could switch genders at will.
Finally, I might have mentioned this in a previous post but my mum says that I can see a therapist about my gender at some point but I have to come out to a relative first. I totally understand why because she wants to make sure that I really want to do this, but I'd rather go to a therapist first because I need to talk to a or professional because I really don't know myself. I haven't said this too her yet but I think she'll see my point. I'm not going to tell her yet though because I already have to go to the orthodontists and asthma nurse, my brother is undergoing physiotherapy for an injured leg and my sister broke her arm in a tree so she's already having to take us to millions of appointments so I want to wait so she's not even more overwhelmed. One option I have is waiting till after I've finished my GCSEs and move to 6th form because then I could switch to the nearby girls school or one of the schools for both genders. It would mean waiting a few years but it would nicer, I think. Most of my in school friends I also do things with out of school so I wouldn't miss them.
Thanks for putting up with my rant, sorry it was so long I just had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
Lots of love,
Maria XXX <3
