Pleasure Button

[MirandaLove]

I'm writing now out of frustration.  I'm in my forties and I've been out full time for the last three years, hormones for four years.  Many areas of my life have improved significantly and things are mostly great!  I'm happy which is a hard thing to get used to.

What is really upsetting me is sexuality.  It's everywhere, right?  Apparently I never learned to be comfortable with my sexuality.  Apparently growing up as an angry, depressed and repressed transwoman I never worked out guilt and shame surrounding sexual pleasure and pleasure in general.  And apparently my few sexual experiences were still very immature ever though I was a grown-ass adult.

Now, I'm fully aware of just how repressed I am.  But at the same time, I've lost the desire.  I watch as my friends ogle some guy or gal walking by, and I feel incredibly sad that I don't feel that motivation.  I don't think I'm asexual.  Instead, I think I just don't understand how people grow into their sexuality, taking chances, learning what they like, making mistakes, etc.  I don't know but it's enough to want to just block it out entirely.

Thanks for reading, listening to my rant.


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[KathyLauren]

Hi, Miranda.

I get it: I am similar, though a few more years down the road than you.  Yes, it is frustrating, I remember.

I had a repressed upbringing with regard to sexuality, and being unknowingly trans certainly didn't help matters any.  I never did figure out sexuality.

With a more normal upbringing, I might have been lesbian.  Certainly that is where my attractions lead.  But, in practice, I am asexual, and I embrace the term.  It gives me an accurate way of describing myself, other than "weird".

Getting married was difficult for me.  I was in my mid-40s when I met my wife.  We had a natural chemistry, which was good because I sure didn't know what I was doing.

I am now 64, my wife is older, and my married sex life has been on hold for a long time for reasons that have nothing to do with me.  I was sad about that for a while, but it is what it is, and I have long since come to terms with it.  And, no, I never looked elsewhere.

I think there is no sense pining for what is long gone.  My life is good, and I am in a way better place emotionally than I ever was when I was sexually active.

[HappyMoni]

I'm writing now out of frustration.  I'm in my forties and I've been out full time for the last three years, hormones for four years.  Many areas of my life have improved significantly and things are mostly great!  I'm happy which is a hard thing to get used to.

What is really upsetting me is sexuality.  It's everywhere, right?  Apparently I never learned to be comfortable with my sexuality.  Apparently growing up as an angry, depressed and repressed transwoman I never worked out guilt and shame surrounding sexual pleasure and pleasure in general.  And apparently my few sexual experiences were still very immature ever though I was a grown-ass adult.

Now, I'm fully aware of just how repressed I am.  But at the same time, I've lost the desire.  I watch as my friends ogle some guy or gal walking by, and I feel incredibly sad that I don't feel that motivation.  I don't think I'm asexual.  Instead, I think I just don't understand how people grow into their sexuality, taking chances, learning what they like, making mistakes, etc.  I don't know but it's enough to want to just block it out entirely.

Thanks for reading, listening to my rant.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Miranda,

Wow, fear of failure is a powerful thing. It is certainly safer to block out this aspect of life, but it isn't what you want or you wouldn't be ranting. You have tackled your gender with the world, so you obviously have strength. I think you should give yourself permission to make mistakes. It's okay, EVERYBODY makes some mistakes in this area. Am I sympathetic of your situation? Definitely! My sexuality has been a mess all my life, due to the whole gender thing. Transition has been wonderful, but sexuality is still kicking my butt. Put yourself out there, once the fear subsides the desire will be there. I believe that.

[krobinson103]

I've been lucky in this regard in that I've always been bi and quite happy to experiment. Being on hrt has actually made it so much easier to enjoy that part of my life - even given the mismatched anatomy! I think its a matter of just trying things and taking changes. If you 'fail' so what? Its a learning curve.

[Kendra]

> I watch as my friends ogle some guy or gal walking by, and I feel incredibly sad that I don't feel that motivation.

Ah yes, ogling.  People tend to start ogling right around puberty and generally not before then.  Why do people ogle?  A combination of peer pressure (I was a teenager although it's been awhile) and ...more significantly... our brain and body learning from positive physical sexual experiences and wanting more of that.  Ogling can be good if handled appropriately.  And being the oglee (if that's a word) in the right context can be flattering.

HRT helps with physical changes, and in some cases substantial mental changes (as I experienced).  But HRT for us isn't the same as a cisgender person's experience even if the chemicals are bio-identical.  Being transgender means our bodies are physically out of sync here and there, depending on the degree of dysphoria and whether we have the options available to correct what doesn't mesh with our brain.  When a cisgender person goes through puberty as a teenager their body already matches where they want to go. 

When you and I started HRT we re-started puberty.  If your first puberty wasn't a great experience your may need to un-learn a few things and hopefully override those memories with great new ones.  Over time we may learn to work with what we have and truly enjoy it, or get a few things physically changed that HRT can't and find new ways to experience some of the best things in life.  Requires time and patience, and knowing our schedule is unique.  I wish you the best and glad you're here.

Kendra