Years on hrt, first time out going out in girl mode.

[Sonja]

I think also that some of the stares are actually just because people like how you look. A few people have told me that and I still think they are crazy! But, as an introverted 'guy' people don't look at you. When you are presenting female - particularly in an evening dress etc then you are going to get attention and its something you need to get used to.

@krobinson103 - Hey Kelly, I totally agree with that, there are actually a few different scenarios that transwomen need to be thoughtful of. 
A) people are checking you out  because many people like to 'people watch' - and there's nothing more to it.
B) people stare at you because you look good.... because most people like to check out pretty/handsome or well dressed people.
c) Some people notice a transwoman and are genuinely amazed at how well presented they are - still a huge positive and one that I personally noticed in Auckland a couple of months ago - well dressed transgirl that didn't full pass but looked very sharply dressed - but she look a bit nervous and didn't make eye contact with anyone which gave her a slightly unfriendly demeanor - I couldn't help wondering if mean comments now and then had affected her confidence to the point she had adopted a 'steel' look on her face  -IMO she might be missing out on meeting people who would otherwise be her friend or more...
d) the mean stare - yes it happens - best way to deal with it is as Kelly said above.

Just my thoughts,

Sonja.

[miyann]

Update:


So after my first post, I decided to stay in girl mode for the rest of the week as a personal experiment:

Monday 9-24-18:

Grocery shopping, did some errands, drove around, stuck in traffic. Totally uneventful.

Tuesday 9-25-18:

Met a female friend at a local bar near her place that evening. Place wasn't too busy, a few people here and there. Interesting enough, after about an hour there, one of the guys from the bar area (maybe early or mid 40's? ) decided to head over to my friend and I to chat. He then asked me if I was single and I told him I was trans. That ended the conversation pretty quickly.

Wednesday 9-26-18:

Had lunch with a male friend I haven't seen for almost a year (who knew me prior to my transition). He was super sweet and we talked for a few hours. Noticed that he was treating me like as a woman by being nice enough to complement me by telling me I looked great, opening doors, walking me to and from my car, telling me he had to pay since he was the man, apologized when I caught him checking out a girl passing by (this was quite hilarious btw), etc. I'm not sure if it he was treating me that way on a conscious or subconscious level.

All in all, it was fun but felt like a lot of work, just getting ready with clothes and makeup felt like a hassle. I'm on the fence about going all week in girl mode since I don't have anything planned until this weekend.

How long does it take until all of this feels normal?

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hi Miyann!

I'm very glad that your little experiment went well!

I vividly remember my first day outside dressed in feminine attiré (well, it was more androgynous than feminine, but it was a radical step for me)... Wow... My heart pounded so hard! [emoji176]

And then months passed, HRT began operating its magic, beard was slowly zapped away, I kept using more and more feminine stuff from my wardrobe, gradually abandoning the androgynous world and becoming decidedly more feminine in my way of dressing... Then immediately after FFS and hip recontouring (which happened 1 week apart), there was a big leap in the way I dressed - I started wearing skirts and then heels, I stopped using headcovers (my transplanted hair had in the meantime regrown to an acceptable length). My self-confidence soared... I found and refined my own style... Eventually, this last summer I dared wearing a swimsuit and going to the beach - in Netherlands, Italy and Malta - without any problems. It was nirvana... [emoji3265]

Nowadays, my heart no longer pounds so much, but I still can't refrain from smiling of contentment when, looking in the mirror in "full-fledged Sarah mode" I say to myself: "Yup, Sarah... This is how it looks to be your true you!" A feeling that I never had along the previous four decades of my life.

About being the target of flirting... Yeah... I have ambivalent feelings about it. [emoji854] As a strict lesbian, happily married and mom of two wonderful kids, it would never cross my mind to have an affair. The environments where I live are not really propitious to attract the wrong kind of guys. To the more "risky" places, such as bars and music concerts, I only go with my wife and we very often hold hands and wear identical wedding rings, which so far has worked pretty well as a deterrent. When I am not with my wife or kids, however, things are different, but still pretty manageable.

I work as an emergency physician, so first responders who bring patients to our ED and who don't yet know about me being a trans woman, will sometimes give me "frisky & flirty" looks but always in a very gallant and respectful way. And it is very flattering because it's... "Validating", you know?

This also happens regularly with male patients, especially in their mid-30's and 40's, but almost only when I'm alone in the examination room with them. They tend to be a tad more daring than EMS personnel. Some say that I'm cute... They ask about my tastes, if I live in the neighborhood, etc. On two occasions, I was asked if I'd "like to have a drink, sometime"... [emoji2360]

When they come with their wives or girlfriends, they tend to be much more restrained and, instead, I sometimes get another kind of look from their wives, the kind that says: "You better keep your hands far off from my man, bitch!" [emoji23]

I swear, Miyann, this would be a paradise for a sociologist! [emoji1787]

Anyways, I never say that I am a trans woman. To no one. My coworkers know (I transitioned at my present workplace). Some EMS people also know. If other people know, I don't care, as long at they treat me as who I really am: a female doctor. So far, nobody confronted me with this. If someone's flirting goes too far, I would just say that I am married and not interested in other relationships... and with patients, I could also use the argument that it would be highly unethical. So I feel that I am covered. And so far I did not have to deal with any freak or stalker, so... I'm good.

Now, if I was looking for a relationship, I would very likely disclose the fact that I am a trans woman at a very early stage. As I see it, if you can't trust someone enough to let her/him know something so fundamental about you, then the relationship has no real future. But that's me, of course. Besides, it can be a disgrace (and even dangerous) if the other person finds it out at a more advanced stage of the relationship...

Anyways... my thoughts. Loved to read you!

Warm regards,

Sarah

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

[miyann]

Hi Sarah,

Wow, thank you for sharing, sounds like your transition has been amazing!

I actually have been on hrt for years, and already had ffs along with a pretty decent starting point prior to my transition so I wasn't worried about passing since hrt has generally worked pretty well (although I'm still pretty flat chested and have no butt whatsoever, lol........sigh).

As for the reason I told the guy at the bar that I was trans, it was because I wanted him to go away. I was irritated that he decided to interrupt us as my friend and I were catching up. So I cut the conversation short by telling him I was trans when he asked me if I was single.

tbh, I'm not sure if I'm going to go for a social transition, it seems to be more of a hassle than anything else.

[Virginia]

All in all, it was fun but felt like a lot of work, just getting ready with clothes and makeup felt like a hassle...
How long does it take until all of this feels normal?

Because it IS a hassle; the reason most women don't bother with clothes and makeup unless they need to and others don't bother at all. Have you considered that your comfort level may be closer to not bothering, and you may be making yourself do something that is not right for you?

[pamelatransuk]

When I started therapy back in 2009 my GT explained there are three different human needs that drive Gender Dysphoria; social acceptance, acceptance of how we look and acceptance of who we are. Therapy is vital for helping a person to explorer these needs so they can determine how to meet them.

In my case, social acceptance was vital for my female alter. My GT explained her encouraging me to transition was "because" I was so androgynous. That she would suggested other options if I had difficulty being perceived by others as a woman out of concern than transition would worsen my needs rather than fill them.

Hello Virginia and Miyann

I have been closeted for many years crossdressing and bodyshaving all my adult life but have always managed to occasionally go out in girl mode for a short walk in the park if I am local or for more mingling with people unknown to me if in another town. However I have been on HRT 7 months and fully intend to publicly transition in 2019.

Because I do not do it often, I still feel a bit wary but nothing like as nervous as the first time and so I feel I am "getting there".

I agree that there are 3 stages in the process to transition and to reduce GD as you state but for me the order is thus:

1. Self acceptance - I have that completely now.

2. Social acceptance - This is something I desire and will work hard to achieve by further HRT, by surgeries including voice, by make up, by clothing. However I realise it has to be two ways; I cannot make others perceive/treat me as female. I hope that may come in the medium term but no guarantees.

3. Acceptance of how I look - This I consider to be the most difficult as I fear I may probably always not be up to the  standard for a cisfemale. I hope to blend in at best but I do not expect to pass fully.

Hugs

Pamela

[EvaB]

Hi,

Thanks for this chat Miyann!  I like the three angles of acceptance, which I feel are all part of one's self-image.

My main drive is self-acceptance, which to me is to be more self-aware.  I can't believe I hid this from myself for so many years, but I am old-school where denial was an accepted part of being male.

Pamela, I liked your summary, but on #3, accepting how you look isn't male, female, or trans.  No person with an ounce of self-awareness cannot see themselves in a mirror and not admit that this or that could look better.  Only the totally narcissistic will be happy with what they see, regardless what they see.  My feeling is that the people on this chat are more aware of themselves than ordinary people, and this blind acceptance will never be acceptable. In other words, #3 is not transgender or cisgender, it is just human.

Aspire to be human!  I'll take it over being a worm.   

Yours, Eva...