Coming out later in life

[Isabelle1970]

I've been thinking why I have decided to transition later in life and would like to share my thoughts and for you to share yours.

In short, I believe it is to do with the male menopause. Most cis men when they hit the male menopause like to do things that they couldn't when they were younger like all of a sudden learn to ride a motorbike and then go out and buy the biggest fastest thing they can find. Some call it going back to their childhood. For us transitioning, we wished we could have done it earlier in life, but for whatever reason we didn't, but as we've hit the male menopause it's hit us like a brick wall and that is why we go through the transition later in life.

Would really appreciate others input on this.

Sx

[Chloe]

. . . to do things that they couldn't when they were younger

lol Thought that's what kids/grandkids are for!

"T" levels are definitely lower when older . . . perhaps transition could be considered a good alternative/cure for ED?  ( like "the man up" is the sole problem and "older women" have absolutely nothing to do with it at all? )

[KathyLauren]

I have no knowledge of my T levels prior to transition, so I have no idea whether my motivation to transition was motivated by "male menopause".  But I certainly was aware that the clock was ticking on my life.  Even with an optimistic estimate of my longevity, I have lived at least 2/3 of my life.  Time was running out and I had to do something.

In my case, there was a specific triggering event that awakened my need to transition.  I saw a trans woman being a normal person, doing normal-person things, and being respected for it.  That was a possibility that had not occurred to me before.  (Yeah, sad, I know.)  For the first time, I thought that this didn't have to be just a dream: I might actually be able to do it.

[Marcieelizabeth]

I have no knowledge of my T levels prior to transition, so I have no idea whether my motivation to transition was motivated by "male menopause".  But I certainly was aware that the clock was ticking on my life.  Even with an optimistic estimate of my longevity, I have lived at least 2/3 of my life.  Time was running out and I had to do something.

In my case, there was a specific triggering event that awakened my need to transition.  I saw a trans woman being a normal person, doing normal-person things, and being respected for it.  That was a possibility that had not occurred to me before.  (Yeah, sad, I know.)  For the first time, I thought that this didn't have to be just a dream: I might actually be able to do it.

This is exactly how i feel...I have thought about manopause being part of it, but I think it is more that the world just did not provide a means to see that this was possible when I was young (born in 1959) and I reached a point where it was unavoidable...  Being a biologist, i also wonder if reproducing before needing to transition isn't part of spreading my genes as well...but that is complicated and complex thought...  Love and hugs!

[GordonG]

I believe that it is a big part of it for me. I've always been interested in female things and not the typical male ones. However I was in my mid 50's before they took center stage and really forced me to be more open with it all.

[Gertrude]

I had low T when I started dealing with the T beast. The Lecel has improved with weight loss, but I'm still dealing with the beast. It could have something to do with it, but I think it's also a matter of how long one can suppress the authentic self. Maybe lowering T triggers opening the gate or maybe it's coincidence. Lots of folks transition before any major decline in T. Who knows.


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[DawnOday]

I transitioned as far as I can because I could not cope with depression and anger any longer. I had already lost one wife and I was working on number two. I knew I had to do something to save our marriage and HRT was the easiest. I had long wanted to transition but being so scared I let others determine for me. I needed the job and while I probably could have done ok. Fear took control. I've always had fear. Heck I let my teeth go because I feared the dentist. I didn't play high school sports because of fear. I didn't socialize because of fear. Because my mind was always in a confused state I had some troubles communicating. I am still not good at it but I try my best. I was pretty much neglected when I was a kid. Mom was more interested in smoking her three packs of Pall Malls a day, her gallon of coffee and watching soap operas. Every conversation ended with an argument. Dad was a hard working guy, a roofer for the city of LA. After fifteen years he became a building inspector. He would come home, eat dinner and then lay down to read the paper and fall asleep.
Meanwhile I prayed to wake up a woman. I would even go to sleep wearing my sisters clothes in the belief that if I went to sleep in her clothes God would see I was serious. If I were born now it would be so different as people are more accepting.
I got sick at 42 and have had four open heart surgeries and seven pacemaker replacements.  My first wife caught me crossdressing and a short time later started having an affair. My current wife of thirty-five years, I had stayed with her because it was better than being alone. We had two babies together. How that happened is still a mystery. It must have been a rimshot. I have since realized that she is the rock that has kept me from drifting. I still love her, but I have never really been "in" love with her. 
Due to my health I come to believe it was never going to happen, so I just concentrated on working 12 - 14 hours a day, six days a week. I was a pretty good problem solver except for my own. My career was in aerospace with Northrop, Garrett and Boeing. I was materials rep for the original YF17, now F18. We lost the contract because we didn't have experience with landing gear for aircraft carriers. So the contract went to McDonald Douglas. It ended up three years late because MD could not develop the landing gear. How ironic. I then went to work for Garret making helicopter engine parts for Lycoming. Lastly I worked at Boeing and helped introduce the 787. All this time I went to different therapists but once again fear got the best of me. Six times I went each time saying I had stress and could not pull the trigger on what really bothered me. I retired about five years ago and began crossdressing everyday and all the desires came back with a vengeance but I was really sick with Cardiomyopathy, Congestive Heart Failure, atherosclerosis, By the third year I was so miserable I started making life miserable for everybody else. I went to my sisters and had a breakdown. I promised to get help when I got home. One of the things I did at this time was to research being transgender.. Transgender was not a word until the late 80's early 90's. The identity was always described with a derogatory term. Again fear. So I found Susans and I was so impressed I came back again and again. I didn't think I could transition because of my health but thanks to Dena and HughE, I was able to go forward and talk to a gender therapist. I am on blood thinners so blood clots are not something I have to worry about because I am always testing. So three sessions later I had my authorization to proceed. I began HRT and two months later I sat the family down and explained to them that this was always on my mind for as long as I could remember. Then I found out about DES and then everything began to make sense. My small penis, my late descending testicles, my defective heart valve, the depression and on and on. I am a child of the 50's which was prime time for DES. These last two years have been the best of my life. Much of it due to the wonderful ladies I found here. I am taking the time to know people. My icy heart is melting and I am enjoying life like never before. My wife and family are all doing better than ever. I have a setback every once in a while. Last week I needed a cardioversion. This week I found out why I could not swollow. I attend my meetings as the real me. We go to dinner afterwords. I walk the Capitol Hill neighborhood without fear. I visit my therapist. I had my last session with my voice coach and I have about 70% of my facial hair removed. I really enjoy life these days. No more dysphoria, No more depression. I think about future things I will be doing. For the longest time I didn't think I would have one.

[Faith]

I honestly believe that 'male menopause' triggered the start of my transition but did not cause it.

My wife mentioned it because at one point my younger daughter commented that she thought the meds were doing it to me (HBP meds). I described it to my wife this way:

Guys seem to age three ways
1) nasty old farts no one wants to associate with (I was heading that way), in most cases still with high testosterone.
2) The 'normal' guy whose brain matches his body. More emotional and sentimental, but still guys.
3) The trans Guy where the removal of the controlling testosterone releases the flood gates of all the buried incidents and feelings from behind a male facade .. usually in a bomb blast of confusion.

I am actually glad of a few things.
- I did not live my life in secret, hiding myself from the world but all the time knowing. That's a horrible way to live.
- I did not live the start of my life in fear and rejection (well, I did but not for that) trying to be who and what I knew I was.
- I triggered 'out' at the most opportune time in my life, any other time would have met with disaster.
- Had I started in my youth, I would not have had the wonderful wife and family that I have.
This could be a long list. I'll stop there.

[Isabelle1970]

I thought I may be onto something. My T levels were really low last year and the draw to dress grew stronger and stronger. Then my wife thought it a good idea to have my eyebrow waxed to shape it and heavens above, the flood gates opened.

[HappyMoni]

I didn't transition earlier for a few reasons. I was convinced I was not trans enough to do it. 'That was something other people did, not me.' I never had exposure to seeing trans people living happily until I found a website that told trans peoples positive stories. I lived in misery because I thought it was my only choice. I transitioned because I couldn't take it any more. I was desperate as hell. Could I have done it as a teen? I don't know. I would say the higher the T, the more feminine I felt.

[CarlyMcx]

When I began transition my natural T levels were pretty far to the high side of normal even though I was past 50 at the time.  So I guess that puts me in the "nasty old fart" category.

My best friend died suddenly from a heart attack when we were both 43.  That started a ten year run of high blood pressure and panic attacks when the girl inside (me) saw time was running out and I fought to keep her buried.  Then shortly after I turned 50 a friend unintentionally offed himself by driving a Lamborghini into a tree at 120 mph.  That was the point where I came to terms with myself and decided to seek therapy.

When hormone therapy instantly fixed my blood pressure, I knew I was on the right track.

[Zoe_Kay]

I've been thinking why I have decided to transition later in life and would like to share my thoughts and for you to share yours.

In short, I believe it is to do with the male menopause. Most cis men when they hit the male menopause like to do things that they couldn't when they were younger like all of a sudden learn to ride a motorbike and then go out and buy the biggest fastest thing they can find. Some call it going back to their childhood. For us transitioning, we wished we could have done it earlier in life, but for whatever reason we didn't, but as we've hit the male menopause it's hit us like a brick wall and that is why we go through the transition later in life.

Would really appreciate others input on this.

Sx

I think there is a lot of truth to this.  I know that as my T levels started to decline, it was like water receding to reveal a new landscape that had been hidden beneath the surface.  It had always been there but I no longer wanted to hide it and wanted to finally breathe free - as me!

[Dani]

I am an older transitioner, having transitioned at age 66.

For myself only, transition was always on my mind since I was a teenager when I first found out it was possible to transition. The delay in my transition was mainly because of the lack of understanding of our condition. In the 1960's we were told by the therapists of the day, that our condition was do to our social environment. They thought that we just needed a more positive role model and we would grow out of any need to transition. They were dead wrong, but I believed them, so I tried to man-up, as we say. It did not work.

By the time I realized that my gender dysphoria would not go away, I had too many people depending on me for support and stability, so I denied myself and just focused on work and was very successful at providing a stable home for my family.

Later, as my obligations were completed, I started developing marital issues. She no longer needed or wanted to be with me and she made it very obvious to everyone except me. I was the last to know. I felt alone and unloved, so thanks to the internet, I found that there were many other people who felt just like me. The rest is the typical story.

This has nothing to do with male menopause. My gender dysphoria was always there, driving me to the depths of depression. The only relief I have ever found to be effective is to transition.

[Kendra]

> This has nothing to do with male menopause. My gender dysphoria was always there, driving me to the depths of depression. The only relief I have ever found to be effective is to transition.

Same here - exactly what Dani said.  The problems hit when I started puberty and I tried to sweep things aside for several decades not understanding why.  I took care of other issues I'd developed (obesity and alcoholism) but I now understand what my underlying cause was.

Our brain and endocrine system doesn't include gauges and blinking lights to show exactly what needs to be fixed.  I didn't know what to look for, where, or how.

[sarahc]

At age 46, I'm just starting down the transition road at age 46 (soon entering therapy for the first time), but for me I have always had dysphoria since a little child. Honestly, for me, I think I've gotten more dysphoric because at this stage of my life, I am less focused on my career, and so the old desire to transition has strengthened in prominence in terms of things I think about.

[grrl1nside]

At the start of transitioning, my doctor wanted my baselines and I was in the middle of the range. For me, low t had nothing to do with it. Having a language to identify what I felt was huge. I always felt this way, but now know what it is and that there are others out there similar to me which make a big difference.  I also learned that I had options other than the Jerri Springer stereotype.

However, the biggest driver that moved me more firmly toward transitioning was the birth of my kids. I simply couldn't handle being called dad. And, how could I tell my girls to be who they are and true to themselves if I didn't model what I am saying to them.