Told the wife..

[KruiseMissile]

Well.. as stated.. I told my wife that I have gender dysphoria with the intent to transition. Not really sure what I had expected. I told her this morning and she really hasn't talked to me today.. not sure if I should be there to comfort her or let her figure this all out on her own. She told me that she is scared to "lose her guy to a girl". I told her that I'm still me and will always be ME. Just a tad bit more feminine. She has her doubts.. understandable.. I just dont know what to do.. it's just so awkward now..

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[Nikkimn]

It takes time she's in shock my wife needed about three months before she accepted it and became supportive. Now she says she's more attracted to me now than ever. Don't judge people's initial reactions as their final reaction. She also needs to grieve the loss of her husband.


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[KruiseMissile]

It takes time she's in shock my wife needed about three months before she accepted it and became supportive. Now she says she's more attracted to me now than ever. Don't judge people's initial reactions as their final reaction. She also needs to grieve the loss of her husband.


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Yea. You're right. It's just that I'm really scared of what might happen. And I'm also impatient lol. I somewhat feel ashamed.. is that normal? Like it's hard for me to even look in her eyes.. shes the only one I've ever told (obviously that actually knows me). Just have to wait and see I guess..

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[Gerri]

Time is your best friend.  Communication is just as important.  This is a surprise to her and some wives deal with this better than others.  Lots of issues for you and your wife to unpack and to deal with.  Giving her time to understand this is extremely important. Good luck.


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[DawnOday]

How much information did you supply? I know when I showed my wife some of the research that has been done it made it a lot easier. You may want to show her this. http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
People think we wake up one day and this is what we decided over night. If you are like most of us it has haunted you forever. We tried to live the lie and prove out body parts were telling the truth. They never do.

[Nikkimn]

Time is your best friend.  Communication is just as important.  This is a surprise to her and some wives deal with this better than others.  Lots of issues for you and your wife to unpack and to deal with.  Giving her time to understand this is extremely important. Good luck.


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Nothing to be ashamed of you have to be you. Your wife needs time to process. Others who care about you need time to process. Not everyone will accept you that's fine too. You will find many will celebrate you and support you. Be prepared to deal with the ones that won't. Everyone's situation is different you did the right thing telling her now you just have to wait and be understanding and see how it goes.


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[Kirsteneklund7]

I know how that feels. We don't want to drop a nuclear bomb - but that's what happens. Now is the time to go gently & give her time and space. There is no perfect way to drop the bomb.
Let her know you do care & love her & don't want to hurt her. She will then bite your head off - but at least she will vent and then eventually the discussion will start.

Try and include her with therapy and HRT right from the start. Initially you can explain the start point which is simply androgen blocker and estrogen. Both of you may come up with an agreement that is mutually acceptable.

Therapy sessions can be great education for both of you. Once HRT has started very gentle progression can begin without putting the wife through the wringer.
 
  I started with 1 Androcur per day and progressed over time to full dose HRT and dressing & makeup.

Hope that helps a bit, Kirsten[emoji214]


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[KruiseMissile]

Thanks for the help! I read that link and it does a really good job in describing exactly what's going on with me (I'm terrible with words under pressure so this helps). The main thing I'm getting from this is be patient, and involve her. Think I can do that. The first thing she said after I told her was "if u get better than me with makeup then you're doing mine" lol kind of lightened the mood. And then she started crying. So I think itll be a bumpy road but I think we will persevere.

Thanks again for your help! It's really appreciated and helpful.

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[KathyLauren]

It is really important to address her fears.  If she doesn't tell you what they are, it is up to you to take the initiative, guess what they might be and address them.

A typical wife's fears are: Will you leave me?  Will this change your sexual preferences?  Will you chase men?  Or women?  Does this make me a lesbian?  Why didn't you tell me sooner?  Will you embarrass me in public?  What will the neighbours think?  Am I not good enough for you?

You should make sure that you can give an honest answer to each of those (and probably more that I haven't thought of), and then start talking about them.  She is in shock right now and in need of reassurance.

[Rachel]

Hi,
One thing you may want to keep in the back of your mind, bargaining. You may want to bargain away future thoughts or desires of who you will become to appease others. In doing so you will not be honest with yourself and in the future you may not be able to keep the bargain.

When you transition the journey is great and achieving your dream is far away. Somewhere along the path you begin to believe in yourself and need to be the person of your dreams. At that point your transition feels good and you know it is the right thing to do for your well being. So bargaining away something may not be what you can live up to in the future.

Reassure your wife over and over again how you feel about her and how you see the two of you in the future. Reality may or may not be different in the future but reinforce your love often.

Best of luck,
Rachel

[Nikkimn]

One thing I did was after she had time to process was I choose out my own engagement ring and wedding ring. I gave both to her and said to her I don't have a choice in what I'm doing I have to be me. However I felt it was important she have a choice too. I gave her the rings and one for proposing her intentions to stay and another to be given on the day we renew our wedding vows. Both engagement and renewing vows are public affirmations of our decisions. I've included her in all of the process and communicated through each step. Two weeks after I gave her the rings she proposed to me.


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[Virginia]

@KruiseMissile
Have you considered counseling for your wife and couples counseling for the both of you? My wife started seeing a therapist a month after I explained to her what I was experiencing. She has been in regular therapy for nine years now. We have been in couples counseling the last 7.

I do not share the opinion "that I'm still me and will always be ME."
Taken one step at a time my journey has been imperceptible. Even looking over my shoulder only gives me an idea how far I have come. I just don't believe it is possible for me to stand far enough away from myself to see how much I have changed the way my wife can.

[Tatiana 79]

Hello KruiseMissle
Wow I think you got a ton of good advice here.
I remember replying to you when you were thinking about breaking it to her but I'm glad that you did.
  Many of us here have stayed successfully married for a long time, regardless of this issue.
Even though I know this is not what she signed up for.
But she's really not losing anyone because you shared the same past and you're still the same person basically.
But try to follow some of the advice previously given and give her plenty of time to work through this, without pressing the issue too hard till you gauge her feelings.

But consider this, you were born sick with gender dysphoria.
And remember your wedding vows, the part about for better or For Worse, in sickness and in health.
I don't think there would be any issue of her not supporting you if you were born sick with something that was much better understood.
But I do understand that due to the nature of your sickness it might complicate things a little compared to something like liver or heart problems that you could have been born with.
But I think when it comes down to reality, there really is no difference.
It's just the way we have been perceived by Society that probably influences her the most. But I know the days of these ancient taboos are numbered. And someday when our sickness is Thoroughly understood I don't think it'll be treated any different than another sickness.
I do understand by today's thinking this might be stretching it a bit, but I think it really shouldn't.

I just wanted you to know that it actually could improve your relationship because you'll be freed to be yourself for the very first time with her.
I just wanted you to know and have hope that this is possible.
I have been with my wife for 38 years and now after I've been on treatment for 2 months it's getting better and better everyday. My wife was the one that actually was pushing me into this and would certainly not let me stop after sensing how very much better our life is getting.
I most certainly hope this also happens for you, and then the both of you can have a long fulfilling life together.

All the best to you both
     Love Tatiana

[Sabrina Rei]

One thing I did was after she had time to process was I choose out my own engagement ring and wedding ring. I gave both to her and said to her I don't have a choice in what I'm doing I have to be me. However I felt it was important she have a choice too. I gave her the rings and one for proposing her intentions to stay and another to be given on the day we renew our wedding vows. Both engagement and renewing vows are public affirmations of our decisions. I've included her in all of the process and communicated through each step. Two weeks after I gave her the rings she proposed to me.


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That is an AMAZING story. It's like out of a Hollywood movie!

[Feeltrapped]

Good for you!!!  I have yet to come out to anyone aside from on here, and horrified of telling my wife... your strength has given me hope and inspiration.

[MsMarlo]

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, do give her some time.  It may not work for you guys in the end, but only time will tell.  In the meantime, let the smoke and fallout settle and when it gets under two rads, maybe talk about it a bit and ease into it.  remember that she has questions - most likely a slew of them and it is your responsibility to be sure that you answer them completely and truthfully.  The more she knows (factually), the more she will be prone to understand and very possibly accepting.  When the time comes, be sure that you offer for her to go with you to your counseling sessions; I remember my wife and shrink even had a few sessions by themselves.

Also, make sure that she knows that you want to include her in everything with this process and that she understands when and how your dysphoria manifested.  My wife and I are going on 18 years together now; it was really rough in the beginning but once she started to understand it started to get better.  remember too that we have a significant others forum here that she can check out; it helps to talk to other spouses/significant others who went through that initial shock.  I hope this helps!

MsM