Sexless marriage

[amandam]

I'm done with Socal Kaiser therapy. They only move forward if u medically transition. Not there yet. But, she wanted me to think about something. She asked if I might be gravitating toward gender issues because my relationship is pretty much a room mate situation. She said that it bothers me that we're not close n she has no desire for sex. She said I should also be concerned that the wife isn't concerned about my sexual needs. She said this needs to be worked on because it's not a healthy relationship n I need to deal with this so I can see any gender issues more clearly. What do u think?

[KathyLauren]

I can't really comment on your situation, because I don't know you that well.

But sexless marriages are not uncommon.  In fact, I would venture to say that most marriages drift in that direction over time, cis hormones working the way they do.

When my wife hit menopause, it was like hitting a switch.  Her libido went to the Off position, and that was that.  At the time, it was frustrating, but I came to terms with it.  Fairly easily, as it turns out, because I am basically asexual with lesbian leanings.

I really don't think it played into my need to transition at all.  I had felt gender dysphoria (I now realize) long before I met my wife, though I didn't understand what it was at the time.  And my awakening / coming out / transition occurred many years after I had come to terms with and was comfortable with our lack of sex life.

So, while I cannot comment on your therapist's suggestion, I don't think her conclusion is inevitable in your circumstances.

[krobinson103]

My marriage has been sexless for years. Mainly because being 5 years older than my wife I hit andropause quite early and lost all interest. Now HRT has renewed libido 100 times but... she isn't interested in Women so the situation stays the same.

[SonadoraXVX]

Well Amanda, I've been in this situation for years due to my HRT since 2012. My relation with my girlfriend has been more emotional,  psychological, social, financial, physical security(former usmc), cuddling, and moral support then anything else. It used to be sexual from 2010, but then I started HRT at the end of 2012 and the relationship gravitated to the other factors related above.

PS. Sex was great from 2010-2012, but then became nil.

You may try working on the above and push back with your therapist on the above factors.
If your therapist focuses in the sexual, you may try to find another therapist, since that therapist is fixated on the above.

40 and under, sexual needs are more important most of the time.
40 and above,  sexual needs can be negotiated.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

[Alice (nym)]

Sex stopped for me about 8 years ago after my wife freaked when I dressed (with her encouragement, I might add). She said she wasn't a lesbian and I wasn't a man, and that was that. But like the others, I've felt wrong in my gender since I was 2 years old. I eventually learned to live with it between the ages of 17 and 21... that is until the last 2 weeks and it just got increasingly worse.

That said, obviously not as a child, but throughout my 30s particularly, I found that sexual release made it easier to ignore the desire to be a woman. The desire never goes away, it is always constant, but its intensity comes and goes in waves and those waves were linked to my sexual release. The longer I went without sexual release the more intense the feelings. But those feelings were already there, it wasn't like switching them on or off based on release. It was a measure of intensity... for example, was I just going to go to bed wishing I would wake up a woman or was I going to feel the need to dress and spend an entire day trying to work out how much surgery would cost if I went private.

Obviously I don't know what your therapist has said but perhaps from talking to their other patients they are confusing intensity with an on/off switch. For example, at the moment the intensity of my feelings are crippling me with anxiety and a flood of emotions I have been finding difficult to control. Prior to this episode, I could control those feelings but I have never been able to eradicate them or switch them off. They are always there, it is just some days are stronger than others and to a certain degree (not always) that intensity can be controlled through sexual release.... actually lets call it for what it is... an orgasm.

It is what used to cause the confusion in me on whether I was a ->-bleeped-<- or whether I really wanted to be a woman. It is the latter but the sense of guilt is also stronger after an orgasm and that is very similar to a ->-bleeped-<-. So I had to think through all that... thankfully I already did that in my 20s.

I am not sure if that is helpful or not. I am kind of new to opening up about these things but I believe it is helpful for me and if it is helpful to others too then all the better.

Good luck

[MeTony]

We have not had sex since 2012. I completely lost interest. I realized For real I am a guy in 2008. I had a mental breakdown in 2010-2011. Was hospitalized for almost 6 months due to stupid thing I tried to do.

During those 6 months I was all about surviving to the next day. But when I got to come home, I started to learn to accept myself. And when I finally did, my sexdrive plunged into the ground.



Tony

[Carolina]

Ouch.
   Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!

What Each of you have said hurts because it is all too familiar -- even the passage of so much time as you describe.

And I DO realize that the description of a "sexless" marriage is not the description of a "loveless" marriage.  Were that it was that simple.

And my heart goes out to those of you who have found yourselves "trapped in a man's body".  Since I don't feel "trapped" (closeted certainly, but not "trapped") I cannot imagine the marital sorrows which have resulted from your trying to live the life that you feel you must live.  But likewise my heart goes out to the wives who are struggling with a world they were unprepared.

Anyway, Ouch!
  What more is there to say?

   Carolina