Hello,
I am a 52 yo transgender woman. I have lived nearly all of my 52 years as a man and had a very rough time handling who I wasn't. The majority of my life was lived in denial. I buried all of my trans desires so deep that I thought they were just a kink. When I was preteen to my teens I used to love to crossdress in my mom's clothes. Nothing felt more right then those opportunities that presented themselves relatively often due to my mom working nights. I would have hours a day to experiment before my dad came home. Needless to say I got caught by my mom and it was surreal. I stopped all crossdressing behavior ever since then. I never stopped fantasizing about being a girl. It was constant theme as I got older. When I started to mature sexually my fantasies all surrounded around women either seeing them through the third person or as being the woman.
Then I met my future wife online. I had such an intense connection with her that I felt I finally could get past whatever kink was in my head like a parasite constantly boring away. For 18 years I have been married to the most wonderful woman in the world. She is everything good that has ever occurred in my life. Existence had been a chore before we met. She brought light and joy to my life in a way that nobody else ever has. Well, about a year and half ago I had this medical scare and ended up in the hospital I honestly thought I was going to die. When I recovered I went through some serious anxiety. I started seeing a therapist for that and she has been wonderful and helped me so much to deal with my fear of death. About a month ago I truly realized I was trans. I haven't had that much of dysphoria in the past about my body but I looked in the mirror one morning a couple days before one of my therapy sessions and it just hit me. I was wrong. The me in the mirror is not me. It scared the hell out of me. When I went to my therapist I told her that I believed I was trans. We spent an hour talking about it and she was very open and non judgmental. She advised me that secrets are not healthy for any relationship but said that ultimately I had to decide whether or not to talk to my wife about this. After 18 years of trust and trials I owed her the truth. I told her and it was less and more than I had hoped for.
She did not immediately ask for a divorce. My wife is a very LGBT rights positive person. She is truly a supporter but when it comes home to your bedroom it's a lot to take in. I first told her that I was not thinking about transition or anything beyond being honest with her about who I am. I said that I was prepared to live this way for the rest of my life to keep our life normal. I was so dead wrong. Since I came out to her I have actually experience true dysphoria. The whole thing about my body hair and my body in general. The last month has been a rollercoaster. I joined a support group online called
dailystrength.org. That was a pretty good decision. I met a wonderful woman there who has been on hormones for about 10 years now who has offered so many encouraging words of wisdom. She keeps telling me to slow down. Now that my secret is out I just feel like I want to spill it everywhere but my wife has some very serious fears for me and of course for herself. She fears that I might lose my job even though I have a government job. She fears for my physical safety if I were to try to go out in public presenting as feminine. She hasn't actually said so in so many words but I don't think she feels safe any longer. She now sees me as female and thus not her protector any longer. Her first reactions have been to pull away physically but she has said many times that she wants to try to make sense of this and somehow get it to work. She does not want to leave or anything but it's more like we are room mates sharing a bed than anything else. She has been so sweet with little things. She bought me some makeup and then when I was overwhelmed with the gesture and tried to hug her she pushed me away.
I completely understand that this has wrecked her world. After 18 years I completely identify my existence around my marriage and my wife is so important to me and loved more than anything. But the need to be myself has become absolutely overwhelming. I realize that I need to transition or this may actually kill me. I don't want to die a man. I have pretty strong faith and believe that God made me this way for a reason. I have no idea what that reason is but God does not hate me. He loves me. So I am working now with my therapist to get started with the process to get onto HRT. I have so many fears. I have fears about myself like I am not a very attractive man and I am having such a hard time picturing myself as even a passable female let alone somebody that would be easy on the eyes. Physical beauty isn't everything to me but I do wish that I had a more feminine leaning body to begin with. At my age, I doubt that the hormones will help much for my body. I am just hoping for this peaceful feeling about myself that so many transgender women say that they get after being on the hormones for a bit. For my wife, I worry about her physical needs as a woman. First she is straight and is into men not women. She literally has physical needs that the hormones will keep me from satisfying any longer. If I do change quite a bit physically that will just serve as more evidence that her husband is gone. She isn't in a place where she could even consider calling me her wife. Her family has a much more conservative lean so I imagine there won't be much acceptance there. On my side, the family is pretty much the same although my parents are elderly and I'm not even sure how to tell them. So this is where I am at today. I've recently decided that I would like to change my name to Gabrielle eventually. I love that in Hebrew it means woman of God. Thanks for listening to my story. I hope to make some new friends here in the future. Have a wonderful day. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
