Breaking down internal barriers help

[Shambles]

Turns out i've bottled trans feelings up alot in my life. When the gender bomb finally hit me i was sure i never knew i was trans before that point, yes there was signs but i was convinced my brain had been lieing to me all this time. 11 months on i can say yes i knew, and from a very early age but each time thoughts came up or actions i did happened i put it all in a box and buried it as deep as i could, each time loosing a bit of me, a bit more personality each time locked away. It was weak to talk about it, stay strong, be a man. I reached a point where there was no more room to squish things down and it all just exploded.

It's getting on for a year now since that point, i've done alot in that time physically and especially mentally, i'm sure i could have done more but i can say i'm happy to be at this point now. I'm not someone who can go from 0 to 100 at the flick of a switch with transition like some people have the strength to do, baby steps you know..

This weekend was the first time out in public, the 1st time in a long time i've felt "normal" If i ask myself what's your biggest fear or what made you bottle it up so much over the years the answer would be perception of others, and more importantly perception of people i already know in my life.. 11 months in i've come out to very few, wife, people on susans and medical professionals aside it's one person. Dont really want to use the "f" word on here but my whole life i've been running away from thinking i'm a freak or thinking "that person" thinks im one.

While out i didn't mind if people could tell, (i mean i cant expect to pass from day 1 and i understand even at the end of my journey that may never happen) any anxiety came from maybe bumping into someone that i know but for joe bloggs on the street the few looks i noticed that i perceived as "is that a...man / woman / trans" was quite amusing. I was nervous out but when i did get back home and sat down and thought about what i had done there was not one drop of anxiety, thoughts of harm or nerves but instead was a unbelievably calm still water and no noise... no noise that was a strange feeling, best way to describe it is normally its like i'm constantly screaming inside my head but then it was silent. Anyone else get that at all? that's anxiety right??

What's your advice to how to overcome the block i have right now, is it to try and come out to a few ppl... gauge reactions etc. I know i'm prob not going to be going out as me for some time now atleast, but this weekend did give me good pointers / goals for the next 6-12 months where it comes down to physical appearance but where do i go from here mentally? I've always wanted to be genuine person, it's how i go through life and i can make these changes regardless of gender.

It's really not the right time to go down the route of therapy... simply no time or money. Unless i can find one that dont charge... can see me in the middle of the night and i'm fine the next morning with no sleep it's not very practical so in light of this i'm now thinking i need some people around me in day to day life that know and can support, so am i at the point i need to start coming out to selected people?

Can anyone relate to this stage in my life? what did you do and did it help?

[KathyLauren]

Good for you for getting out as yourself!

I can so relate to your early experiences, knowing but not knowing, fear of what others would think, etc..  Even the quietness that comes from being out in the world, I felt exactly the same way.

Try to get out as often as you reasonably can.  The more you do that, the more the fears will settle down.  And as the fear settles down, telling others will become easier.

It is too bad that therapy of off the table, because, as you know, that would be my recommendation.  But, honestly, it sounds like you know what you want, and you know what you have to do to get there.

Being genuine, as you say, is a major stress reliever.  The situation has not happened to me, but the fear we all have is someone coming up and saying loudly, "You are a <T-word>!"  As long as I was not being genuine, this would have stuck fear into my heart.  And, even in future, if I attempted to go stealth, it would again cause fear.  But, as I am today, I would just say, "Yes, Iam.  So what?"  OK, I would still feel fear, but so much less than the other way.

[DawnOday]

Shambles...I know exactly where you are coming from and it takes a lot of gumption to take the first step. It will get easier as I have discovered. I find one of the best things I did was to join a support group of other folks just like me. I now attend several meetings a week which allows me to be me and go out to dinner or a drink. Ok, it's ice tea. I gave up drinking when my son was born. But the thing is I am with other people who have had the advantage of being out far longer than I have and I feel protected and safe. I'm taking a guess on where you live and I assume Staff stands for Staffordshire so here goes. http://www.lgbtconsortium.org.uk/directory/trans-staffordshire

I hope you can use this link. Much love.

[Shambles]

Thanks for the replies, i have thought about local support groups before but all so far have been that little bit too far away once you factor in times to get there it'll interfear with work though i am still looking down that direction. Someone mentioned this topic at the weekend and im going to try and chase that up some more.

[Bari Jo]

Hi Shambles, I can relate.  I think what's happening is you want to be genuine, but find it difficult given that everybody knows you as someone else.  Even new people it's hard.  My advice is do what I've done.  Always take that one step further, even if it's just an inch more.  There are some very safe people to tell, and you can talk about yourself with them. I include my Electrologist and stylist in this group. I even think that talking with them is better than support groups at times.  Another avenue is join some groups that are for women.  I belong to a knitting circle and everybody there knows me only as Bari Jo.  It's refreshing to be Mothered by these older ladies too.  I also belong to a women's pinball league.  Here I'm about 20% misgendered mainly because I have been known in local pinball circles for years, but it's getting better.  Anyway, thought this might help.

Bari Jo

[Shambles]

Bari Jo! you know i was only thinking today that i've not seen you around for awhile... hope your keeping well. I've just contacted a local group that's just starting up by the sounds of it, i dont generally get out much even in boy mode so any socialisation would be good to be fair regardless of connected to gender or not. Dont fancy knitting but the pinball sounds cool. Not been part of a group for about 6 year and that was magic the gathering... if you've ever been to one of those... anywhere .... theres more sausage than in greggs!