MTF, taking testosterone instead of estrogen

[SoupSarah]

If I may just interject my unique viewpoint here:
I am a person who does not produce ANY major hormones naturally and have not done for decades. Therfore I suppliment all my hormonal needs with HRT (not just T or E, but everything - 14 individual drugs a day!). This fact and the nerdy scientific brain I have means that experimentation on the psychological effects of hormones is a reality for me.
I have had full cis-male T levels. I have had full cis-female E levels. I have even been in the position where I had high T in the morning and high E in the evening for months (It is a long story, just know I have the blood tests to prove this!).
The conclusion to these experiments was that regardless of what hormone was pumping through my veins my sexuality and my gender did not falter. My thought processes, my emotions, well yes they were toned to a degree, but my actual sexuality and gender was always a constant. Even in the 24 hour switching, it all remained constant. (I certainly did not feel masculine in the morning and feminine at night).
So, I would suggest that you take whatever androgen best fits in with your lifestyle.....  and the reason you cannot find the correct search terms on google? is because there is no scientific evidence that can show gender is controlled by hormone type or level. I am living proof!
Hope that helps you cut through all the mis-information out there?
Sarah x

[Virginia]

I too am an alter of a trauma based Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD/DID) and have experienced no difference in my gender/sexuality preferences with either normal levels of male or female hormone levels. The important nuance here is that the gender/sexuality of alters is fundamental to their roles in their system. Hormones cannot affect the partitions the mind has put in place to contain trauma as it can for a singlet personalities.

[Kirsteneklund7]

I tried testosterone as well. I tried it to get on top of my desire to be a woman amongst other things.
Testosterone is interesting - especially for late onset transsexuals.
Firstly it supes up the body. Everything goes into overdrive. Restless energy exists with an increase in anxiety. Appetite goes up. Metabolism goes up. Physical strength increases but so does mental torment. Peace of mind is difficult to achieve.
I found the rat eating my guts got hungrier. 
A good night's sleep is only possible after a solid session of physical exercise.
Social anxiety ramps up. Social interaction  has less allure. Being seperate and independent becomes more attractive.

MTF HRT in contrast brings much peace of mind. Social interaction becomes attractive and fun. Daily life is more three dimensional from an emotional and sensual point of view. The angst & unease of not being a woman actually reduces. It becomes easier to communicate and relate to cis women & at the same time the imperative to cross dress is less compelling. The ability to just be. To just be happy being one's self becomes possible. Expressing oneself is also easier and more fun ( including the female self).
The gut eating rat goes away. A good night's sleep becomes normal. Light euphoria exists where there was depression .

All this convinced me that running on estrogen is a better life.

PS Anne how do you find the estrogen experience now ?

Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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[LizK]

I had 3 months of Testosterone shots to try as a last ditch effort to fix myself. I was sure once my levels were up then all this "nonsense" would go away...it did...kind of, but not really...but I was so angry all the time...I hated everything and everyone...I was reverting to my nasty worst and my levels increased so did my sense of feeling unwell return....as I stopped the injections I noticed over the next few weeks how much more human I felt and best of all how much happier I felt within myself, the anger began to take a back seat again....I knew that I did not need nor want any more T....I hope you can find what ever works for you....I spent so much of my life feeling horrible and guilty for who I really was that I am not playing that game anymore...we get one go around in this life and I be dammed if I will spend any more it as something I am not...Passing is as much a state of mind as anything else...how we perceive ourselves is rarely how the world sees us.

Take care

Liz

[Michelle_P]

I am writing because someone naively suggested that maybe I could try masculinizing my brain, in order to feel more comfortable with being male, taking testosterone instead of feminizing my body taking estrogen. I haven't heard anything like that and I am wondering whether it has been tried before and what the results had been. I started looking some in the internet but I haven't found the right keywords yet and thought that it might be faster to ask here.

@Crist , I have some experience with this.

At age 16 (1969-70) my parents and doctors tried to 'fix' me, through a series of weekly injections of testosterone for a few years.  This was combined with some scare tactics, and counseling from our local priest.

All the testosterone did was change me from a slightly effeminate A student into an angry (and hairy!) D student.  I lost the ability to concentrate on tasks, likely because of the testosterone.  This improved a bit when I left home for college and later the military and stopped the injections. 

It did NOT 'masculinize' the brain, a process that takes place primarily in the last trimester of fetal development and continues a bit after birth, setting up some sexually dimorphic regions primarily around the hypothalamus to function with a male body and primitive role.

In utero I was exposed starting at Week 10 to high levels of diethylstilbesterone (DES), a synthetic estrogen in Mom's prenatal vitamins that suppresses testosterone in the fetus among many other effects.  I likely have the more female version of the sexually dimorphic regions.

Refer to my avatar image to see just how comfortable the treatment made me as a male...   

[Kirsteneklund7]

I had 3 months of Testosterone shots to try as a last ditch effort to fix myself. I was sure once my levels were up then all this "nonsense" would go away...it did...kind of, but not really...but I was so angry all the time...I hated everything and everyone...I was reverting to my nasty worst and my levels increased so did my sense of feeling unwell return....as I stopped the injections I noticed over the next few weeks how much more human I felt and best of all how much happier I felt within myself, the anger began to take a back seat again....I knew that I did not need nor want any more T....I hope you can find what ever works for you....I spent so much of my life feeling horrible and guilty for who I really was that I am not playing that game anymore...we get one go around in this life and I be dammed if I will spend any more it as something I am not...Passing is as much a state of mind as anything else...how we perceive ourselves is rarely how the world sees us.

Take care

Liz

Hi LizK,
              Isn't interesting that testosterone doesn't fix anything. I can really relate to it not making the nonsense go away - it actually makes the nonsense worse!

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