Am I trans? I am overwhelmed and fearful.

[MichelleStar]

If I had been a gay guy, it might have been easier.  But I thought that my attraction to women made me "normal".     So I couldn't be trans, right?  Nope, it turns out I am a trans lesbian! 

I think I'm all too familiar with that thought process!

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi,

Thank you for replying to Charlie Nicki.  I think you are right that gender issues stay hidden deep within the psyche.  It was like I just could not comprehend that this was an option for me.  Then, after a bitter end to another long relationship, it was like I was hit over the head with a hammer.  I owe it to myself to face this, even if it maybe isn't ideal for my friends and family.  After all, it is my life.  Although, this is easier said than done and I pray to find the courage to be my authentic self. 

That is awesome that you are living full time as a woman now.  Did you go on HRT?  Did you feel a big difference?  I hear a lot of girls talk about their feelings of being on HRT and I'm curious other than physical changes and crying at movies (hehe), what have you heard?  I hope to have your courage sometime and to live full time as a woman.  However, there are a number of personal circumstances that are making it hard for me to do that at this point.  Anyway, rambling a little but thanks for responding!

Billie

Yes of course I've been on HRT for a year and 2 months. I have changed a lot, for the better. Deep down I'm still the same, but it's like a nicer sweeter version of who I was. I'm much more empathetic, sensitive, calmed and I barely think about my gender anymore...The constant intrusive thoughts in my head telling me I wanted to be a girl and taking all this energy from me, are completely gone. I feel more at home in my body and life than I ever felt before.

That being said, it's not all rainbows and happiness. I've cried more in the past year than I've had in my entire life...Blame it on breaking up with a man I loved very much...(because he didn't want to be with a woman), uncertainty about the future and hormones. I'm very sensitive now and transitioning means changing one set of problems for another, life will never be perfect but my mind is at peace.

[Arianna Valentine]

Yes of course I've been on HRT for a year and 2 months. I have changed a lot, for the better. Deep down I'm still the same, but it's like a nicer sweeter version of who I was. I'm much more empathetic, sensitive, calmed and I barely think about my gender anymore...The constant intrusive thoughts in my head telling me I wanted to be a girl and taking all this energy from me, are completely gone. I feel more at home in my body and life than I ever felt before.

That being said, it's not all rainbows and happiness. I've cried more in the past year than I've had in my entire life...Blame it on breaking up with a man I loved very much...(because he didn't want to be with a woman), uncertainty about the future and hormones. I'm very sensitive now and transitioning means changing one set of problems for another, life will never be perfect but my mind is at peace.

You know none of us can ever actually be perfect or have a perfect life but if you are happy with the life that you have isn't that good enough my ex-boyfriend I was only with him for 2 months or so but he was my first relationship when I was transitioning and he was also a transgender but he broke up with me because well first reason sexual stuff second reason we're moving too fast the third reason and the point which I said screw it I'm done he still in love with his ass but it didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would it bothered me more than anything because I felt like I was a virgin he took my virginity and then dumped me it doesn't help that I took care of him for a whole month while he had a cast on his ankle and right when it came off he dumped me sorry off track but strive for your own version of perfection don't look at everybody else's version of perfection or do I need to be bisexual pansexual homosexual lesbian be what you want to be what your heart tells you to be then you will truly be happy and it will be perfect

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[randim]

I wonder sometimes if there's an older generation (40s & up) that didn't come out/transition earlier because we didn't have the Internet as a resource. When I was a teen, I felt more feminine than masculine, but not like a woman trapped in a man's body. (Or maybe I did, but I didn't recognize it.) But I was attracted to women, so ... ? I was confused, and self conscious, and didn't know where to go for help, or even information. Parents or school guidance counselors weren't an option. I didn't know anyone who could help a fifteen-year-old in a small town where people talked. So I remained ignorant about a lot of my own issues for a long time. It's only been the past few years that I've been able to easily tap into the sorts of resources that I really needed decades ago, and have been able to make sense of things.

I wish you luck with a therapist, and with your journey!

Michelle

The internet makes an enormous difference, especially with the advent of the world wide web.  I can remember some resources being available as far back as the mid-90s -- Compuserve chat rooms and forums, usenet newsgroups and that sort of thing -- but it was a far cry from today.

[MichelleStar]

The Usenet newsgroups were fantastic. I frequented many, back in the Nineties. Unfortunately, none had anything to do with transgender issues. I'd managed to repress most of my issues regarding my own sexuality by then. 

Also, even if I hadn't ... I was just woefully ignorant then. So many misconceptions- I thought "crossdresser" = "transgender", for example, and if you were MTF transgender, you had to be gay, because the handful of "->-bleeped-<- porn" videos at the video store were in the gay section. So, so stupid, I know. But there were just concepts and terms I didn't even know to look for back then, where if I'd had a litte better guidance, I might've made better sense of myself and what I was feeling.

I guess it's working out, though. Took a while, but I'm starting to make sense of myself now, and to understand what I'm feeling.