I'm tired of everything

[Dany]

hi

You know, my life is starting to become a little too hard to live. It's simply too many headaches and too much pain all at the same for just one <insert bad word about myself> to take. Just when you thought you were done being <not allowed> all over by life, there comes some more for you to enjoy and in the meantime you start to wonder just what the hell life is supposed to mean because I can't understand it anymore.

The thing is, I just lost whom I believed to be my best friend, a cis genger woman. We always had a very troubled friendship, specially about her parents. They are the worse type of christian fanatics, they think their crazy evangelic religion extends itself to the rest of the world. They've always hated me. They threatened me several times, treated me like I'm a piece of ->-bleeped-<-, always saying that their daughter should never be friends with somebody like me and always doing their best to separate us. Her father always used the worse words ever you know. He even called me a word in Portuguese used for homosexual males. You know how insulting that is?

But despite all this hardship, somehow our friendship lived on, amidst all these problems. We always had a very deep thing going on. You know? Very deep. We'd do anything for each other. That's how much our friendship was deep. Until she got herself a boyfriend and lost her marbles for the guy. Within two weeks she already had decided to marry the guy and have kids with him, not having the slightest idea of what she was doing. I don't even have to mention that our friendship went to ->-bleeped-<- cause we weren't going out anymore, at the most we'd talk in front or near her home(if her father ever saw me near his stupid home, he'd beat me). She abandoned me for some guy she just met. The better you know, right?

So, for reasons beyond this post, naturally after a month the guy dumped'er. And she lost it. You know what's loosing it? Tried to kill herself and all, her parents took her cellphone despite the fact that she's a 21 year old, cutting all contact with me. After 3 days she somehow got the cellphone back...but she wasn't herself anymore. She'd ignore me or would treat me like I'm some kind of piece of ->-bleeped-<- who means nothing to her, saying that she will go away from me because we need to be separated, so she blocked me everywhere. AND I DID NOTHING, MAN! NOTHIIIIIIIIING!

After 3 weeks, she unbloked me giving me the impression that she was better. Said she wanted to talk about everything, I responded alright, we can talk after all I don't wanna have hard feelings for anyone. So yesterday we met at a bakery near her home. We talked for awhile, clearly things aren't what they were before, there's this heavy atmosphere in the air but I thought maybe time can fix it. Upon us leaving, their parents passed in front of the bakery, saw me and drove after me. They stopped me on the street and accused me of the most horrible things you can imagine, even drugging her, her father damn nearly beat me right there and then, I think he only didn't because he knew he'd be in serious trouble(son of a bitch knows I changed my name and legal gender).  Now she once again unfriended me on facebook even though she just moved out of her parents house. Said she doesn't know why she did it and even had the ->-bleeped-<- to say that she loves me.

And you wanna know something funny? In my entire transition, the only people to have prejudice against me was them. The only bigots I ever met in this journey.

You know, I feel like a piece of ->-bleeped-<-. An ugly and dirty one. I did everything for her. I even gave that girl food when she didn't have any. I even helped her financially. I did everything you can possibly imagine, I was even more than a friend. And now, this? This makes me think I'm some kind of fool, a stupid, useless creature on this mad and miserable existence. I feel like I can't trust anybody anymore, I mean, how could I? You dedicate yourself so much to a person and in the end you get all screwed over. How am I going to trust another human being again? I don't know, you know.

This little planet is sad and I'm not so sure I wanna continue living here. I'm so tired, you have no idea. 

[Laurie]

 Hi Dany,

  Laurie here. Wow that was some post you wrote there. That story you relate shows the difficult frustration with this woman that you have been through. It is quite the emotion roller coaster ride you have been on. If you ask me from what you said your relationship with her was on rocky ground and likely doomed to begin with. I know you did your best to help her and to have it turn out as it has is difficult for you to take. It hurts your heart too.
  I can see you are hurt by all that has happened between the two of you. But frankly, I think you will come to see that parting ways with her is going to be a good thing for you and for your own well being. You can hold your head up and say that you did what you could for her. It is a shame it did not work out the way you would have liked it to. But you know you tried.
  It may not feel like it right now Dany, but this too shall pass. Pick yourself up, hold your head high, And move on with your life. You will be okay Dany. It may take a little time but you are going to be okay. Believe it!

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Alice (nym)]

Dany,

Let me first just say, you are incredibly brave transitioning. Nobody except the people here know the challenges you have to overcome to be you. So take a moment because YOU are an incredibly BRAVE and WONDERFUL person. I don't need to know you in person, to know that is the truth. What you have overcome in your life to be yourself is INCREDIBLE. So take that moment and be proud to be YOU!  You've climbed the mountain and should celebrate that.

You will be tired of people telling you to ignore this person who does not appreciate what a wonderful person you are... but I know from past experience that doesn't work. You are in a dark place right now and it will take time to heal and find your way back into the light where you belong. Just know that you are not alone and there are people here who are happy to just be your friend and be there whenever you need someone to listen with a sympathetic ear.

You are already brave and incredible... don't fear the weakness and depression you feel now... you will overcome it with a bit of time and be back in the light on top of your mountain again shining like the star you really are. If you need to talk, vent, and just want a non-judgemental friend to hold your hand through this dark patch just send me a message. People here care about you. The world will be a darker place without your light in it.

[Alice V]

Hey, Dany!

People are idiots, everyone, me too (so you can ignore what I'm saying here because I'm not qualified in relationships lol), so we all making mistakes. Only those who do nothing can make no mistakes (though if we considering doing nothing when something had to be done mistake, it can't save them too). So you should be ready to be hurted by anyone due their mistakes, even your bestie. And you should be ready to hurt anyone too because of mistakes you can make. So here's 3 things that helps dealing with such situations:
1) learn how not lost your ground due other's mistakes;
2) learn how to forgive them;
3) learn how to forgive yourself.
Easier say than do, I understand. But think about it and you'll find your way.

Now about this particular situation. I don't know how things really going, but can assume that she was obsessed with her feelings (trust me, I know that feels, I left my friends behind in past due starting relationships, it was long path to prioritizing them). And when we have stronk feelings we can do stupid ->-bleeped-<-. We're humans, we just smart animals you know? And we can lose control and went wild.

And about other ->-bleeped-<-... Maybe she was convinced by her parents, one way or another that it's better for her to part with you. Maybe she trying to protect herself or even you from them. Maybe she just making another mistake due her feelings which now is darker than before. You know what I suggest? Give her some time and if you have possibility, try to forgive her and say that you'll be ready to talk whe she'll be ready. Don't burn bridges. But make things safe for you and don't let her shake your feelings again.

You may not be bestie anymore, but you still can maintain good relationships if both of you want it. Maybe stop doing anything for each other and do only what safe for you.

[Maid Marion]

I'd try to forgive her and wait.  Maybe not say anything for a while. Stay away for now. She is young and been through an awful lot.  She will need time to work through what just happened.

[Gabrielle66]

Dany,

This is such a difficult position for you to be in. I do worry about your dark feeling about possibly not wanting to be in the world any longer. That is not a road to travel. You only have one chance at life, don't let go of the possibilities just for the intense pain that you feel at the moment. Pain will change and your feelings can change over time as well. Like Nym said, give yourself to be that bright star that you were meant to be.

There are over seven billion people in this world, surely you can find a few that will be happy to rejoice in your victories and not just highlight the things that you have not succeeded with just yet. Please try to embrace the beauty that life can offer. I am also a trans woman and have my own struggles with life and relationships. I am 52 years old and it feels quite often like I have missed my opportunity. The folks here at Susan's have already been a big help to me in giving me comfort and support when I am doubting everything.

I want to be your friend and I want you to have many more friends to help you on your journey of discovery and being true to yourself. Please keep in touch with us and give life the opportunity to surprise and bless you in all of the many wonderful ways that are waiting for you sister. Love and faith to you.

Gabrielle

[Jacqueline]

Jessica,

This is a terrible experience. Both the harassment and loss of a best friend. Not just lost but lost, re-gained, lost? That's enough to make me want to shut down and block out the world.

I wish there was something I could do. Sadly, I can't tell you what to do. I can say that, having read through most of your posts, you have been through some tough times. I hope it gets better.

I also noticed that you wanted to change your name on the site. I have done a search and discovered that the username Jessica is not available. However if you would like to use Jessica with an addition, we can see what's available and change it. It is one of the simple things I can do to make your time here easier.

PM me  or just leave a post and let me know if you would like that.

Warmly,

Jacqcueline

[Allison S]

Wow, that's terrible and traumatizing... You seem like a very kind and generous person. I mean very very nice... A great friend.
I understand this is hard, and it will be for a little while. But you will bounce back and realize that your kindness and selflessness is not lost on your friend. It may have helped her more than you know and she can have a life. That's saving a life. Sometimes, it's the least we can do but it's definitely worth it.

I had a friend in high school who couldn't even meet at the mall or anywhere because her parenrs are very religious. Well, we talked on the phone maybe once after graduating but even then having to deal with gender dysphoria alone was too much for me to bear. I didn't start transitioning then, no where close to it either. But I think had I been through what I have now with my transition, I may have been a better friend. I wouldn't say I have that regret in regards to my distant friend in my past, but I do envy your compassion. It's tiring being the one who needs the support sometimes.

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