I got my first job, which the money will go towards my hormones and the name change coming up in November. Which is quite a ways away, but fastly approaching. I'm nervous, but excited about the coming changes. A lot of paperwork for the name change. I'm facing issues with family lately. Such as explaining the Axe in the cabinet and the lack of dresses. But, the most horrifying is clothes shopping "for fun" that most "girls" do, that's considered a bonding experience with various family members of mine. It means, explaining why I no longer wear women's clothes at all, like the section is the shamed area. Family ask a lot of questions, that I don't know how to answer. It's only going to get harder when I start hormones. I plan on coming out to my classes and family as soon as I start hormones.
The difficult part is that I don't pass well, I confuse people, but for the most part people wind up calling me female anyways, so starting hormones is going to get me some weird looks as soon as obvious affects take place. I'm safe at my college classes as my teacher there made it very clear how she felt about descrimination and bullying among her students (long story, let's just say a student made fun of a guy in a math video lol) so, I know I will be safe there, but at my high-school I am quite worried about what the reactions will be.
The sighs in annoyance everytime I do something manly such as buy a man's product, or I don't know, check out a girl, those annoyed sighs really are getting old, I wish they would stop. I most of all don't appreciate the confusion as to why it's important people call me by the proper pronouns and name. What do they think being trans means? A boy in girl clothes?? A girl in boy clothes?? Do they really believe we'd do surgeries & hormones, if we did not want to fully live the life of our preferred gender?? I don't understand that thought process. Also, the idea that other lgbt people influenced and I'm confused is a very hurtful accusation. The lgbt+ group is not a cult, I cannot be brainwashed into it. Yes I am aware of health concerns from hormones and surgeries, I'm not delusional and crazy for wanting them anyways. That's like saying I have the choice between suicide, or happiness. How insane would that be, if I chose suicide? Very insane. Their logic makes no sense. At least it's that extreme for me, but I've been fighting to express myself since I was 12 after being humiliated and shamed when explaining who I was. It was a very traumatizing experience..
What's sad to me..is the excuse that "oh you're 18, mess yourself up, if you want" is a prevailing excuse among adults, especially parents. It's like, they don't support you, but since you're 18 you can no longer disappoint them, or anything, bcuz you're your own responsibility now. Kind of like they're saying they don't support/accept and what you're doing is clearly wrong, but they're not going to stop you. Which just irks me, they can't accept/support you when you really need it during your struggles when you're too young to get anything for transition, but they can support you easily when you're 18. How is that any different? It's like they can't accept you unless they realize they have no choice too, unless they want to be alone when the kid moves out and doesn't come back. But, what support exactly are they doing? Like my mom is making me explain myself to family and will just say "I don't know 'she' wanted to do this" when questioned about my transition rather than stand up for me. I can't even get comfort for my daily struggles as trans, without being excused from comfort by the "You chose this, suck it up" excuse. I can't even proudly display my masculinity without being looked at funny and getting an eye roll from own mother, it's infuriating!!
