|MTF Teen| I Need Help

[ICantFindAPrefferedName]

So, I really need help.

My name is Alex (yes, that's my given name), I'm 17, MTF, and live in rural Missouri. My parents are transphobic and homophobic, I'm scared of surgery and transitioning, and my dysphoria hasn't subsided in 3 months.
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• I live in what I would consider rural Missouri (about a half hour minimum away from a major city). I grew up "county" (like not country but not city) and I have effectively come out to four people (my counselor, my boyfriend, my best friend, and my FTM trans friend) but everyone else is too transphobic to even mention the word transgender. I feel trapped, I don't hate my family, but I can't stand what they said to me when I tried to come out to them 4 years ago.
  
  I was in seventh grade, I just then understood that I was trans (I had feelings about it, but I didn't know what they were) and I decided I should talk to my mom about it. This was a mistake. She proceeded to repeatedly insult me, calling me names like he-she and ->-bleeped-<-, this continued for three days, I was suicidal at this point. I finally understood myself and here was my own mother calling me transphobic and hurtful names. The next day, after getting into another argument about it, I sat in my closet and wrote "kill me" repeatedly on my body. I felt so hated, so hurt, and when my mom found me, she dragged me out and took me to the hospital claiming that it would "straighten me out" to have me in a mental ward for a week. That plan failed because they wouldn't be able to get a room for several days, we left at 2 AM that night and came home.
  
  I took the next day off, and when I went back to school I decided I was going to hide it from anyone that could hurt me like that. I was still open about it to my FTM friend but no one else. I hid it, and just explained away my natural femininity by saying I was gay.
  
  
  
• This worked, that is, until this past summer. My boyfriend and I started dating back in February, and I didn't say a word. This summer, right as my junior year was about to start, my dysphoria came in a massive wave, more than ever before.
  
  
  



• You see, I'm not what you would classify as small. I'm about 5' 11" and 240 lbs, my measurements are about 43, 41, 45 (chest, waist, hips), I wear a goddamn 12 in men's shoes, and my hands are so big that the length between my pinky and thumb in a standard resting open hand position is about 8". I hate my entire body, my face, my "below the belt", everything. I can't escape it and I'm afraid that if I were to transition, I wouldn't pass. Even now, as I'm typing this, it hurts. To think about everything, to relive it, to recount it, but it's important. Surgery scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me, needles scare me enough, and while I don't want my penis, but the thought of anything sharp touching it causes me to recoil in fear.
  

School started three months ago, I told my boyfriend two weeks ago (he's okay with it, thankfully), I have no one to talk to. I can't afford a therapist or counselor, my family can't afford a therapist or counselor. I don't know what to do, I feel trapped by my own life, and I'm lost.

I don't mean to just complain, I have actual questions.

• What do I do about my parents?
• How do I cope with dysphoria without transitioning for the time being
• If or when I start HRT, what should I expect?
• How am I ever going to find clothing or even shoes?
• Is there any general advice or even an anecdote you think would help me?

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[Northern Star Girl]

@ICantFindAPrefferedName 
Alex:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.... and writing your detailed and interesing introduction posting...

I do not have all of the answers you are seeking but as other members read your posting I am certain that they will share their helpful thoughts with you.

The good news is that because of your posting many of our members are now aware of your arrival here and you can be expecting them to share their thoughts with you relevant to you questions and concerns.

This is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.

Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.

Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@ICantFindAPrefferedName 
Oh, and another thing Alex:
Just before I let you have your posting back so that other members will know that you are new here and can comment on your posted thoughts.....   
... would you please stop by the  Introductions Forum  to tell more members about yourself and your arrival here on the Forums. 
You can include some brief information about yourself so other like-minded members will be able to share with you, and you with them.

Since you are one of our younger members,
you may want to stop by the Youth Introductions Forum to find other young members about your age.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

[MissKatie]

I can only really answer 4.

Shops haha seriously. If you are embarrassed about buying from shops then you can order onlibe and collect in store.
Course you won't be able to tell the sizes as women's clothes differ massively

[Alice (nym)]

Hello Alex,

I wished I knew what to say to help you... I was in a not so dissimilar place 30 years ago.

How am I ever going to find clothing or even shoes?
You are young, that's a plus. Sure you are big... you know what, when I was your age, I was the tallest person in my class, with the biggest shoe size. AND yes, it was a major factor why I never dealt with this back then. I went to a professional make-up artist to make me over and I ended up looking like a drag queen. It took me 10 years to fully dress again and that wasn't a very pleasant experience either. But my point is, now I am average height. I am less than 2 shoe sizes from being able to buy any shoe I like in a shoe shop. Young people today tower over me, both men and women. Each generation grows bigger. My daughter is 7 years old, she already wears clothes for 10 year olds, she is half a size from size 1 shoes... and she is average height in her class among the girls and one of the smallest shoe sizes.

You might feel big now, but trust me... in 20 years time, you will just be average. I don't have much in the way of clothing but I bought most of it off ebay.

What do I do about my parents?
Your family is homophobic/transphobic.... well mine are both of those things and racist, sexist, and every other form of hatred you can think of... my father is an active member of the far right. When he was younger, his pastimes included going gay bashing on a Saturday night before hitting the drink to celebrate. Guess what... he grew old. Went to punch me one day and I laid him out. Tried again and I put him back on his back again. It is really difficult, our family raise us, and show us love throughout our early years. Even when they are polar opposites of everything you believe in, you still love them. No matter how much contempt they show you, no matter how much violence, you can't help it. You know what I found when dealing with abusive people... don't let them get a rise from you. Smile and be polite... it infuriates them more. I argue with my Dad, I don't let him get away with it, but I present reasoned arguments without raising my voice and when he loses his rag, I just stand back and let him rage, he won't lift a finger against me anymore. I will be sad if my parents disowned me if/when they find out but it no longer bothers me... my biggest concern is my daughter.

   
How do I cope with dysphoria without transitioning for the time being
This is a tough one... you can do things to help but it won't go away and the more you delay dealing with it the more it is going to build up. The first thing, which I worked out this week... do not try to overcompensate maleness... that makes it much worse. My worst episodes have all been a year or two after trying to butch myself up. Allow yourself to explore your femininity behind closed doors, do not allow yourself to be ashamed of who you are. Ask your boyfriend to refer to you as she... that in itself is a buzz. Reason in your mind that gender is a social construct and that you are a person who isn't just defined by their gender (doesn't work forever but it helped me for 20 years). If you can set yourself some milestones so that you have something to look forward to... be realistic but don't leave it too long.
I've just started my journey, so I can only go from what I've read, but I hear a mild dosage of hormone treatment can help bring it under control - I am sure someone can confirm that or dismiss it as a myth.     


Is there any general advice or even an anecdote you think would help me?
Try to overcome your fear and don't wait too long. There are people here who can help you. Keep the forum open or check in every day, so you don't feel that you are alone the world with this problem. There are no overnight fixes, one step at a time.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I feel for you, you're similar to how I was in high school, though I just hid it the whole time. I don't know if this helps but I'm 6'4", about 220 and I wear men's size 13 shoes, and I pass. Plus I didn't start hrt until I was almost 35.

There are some things you can do to help until you have the ability to start a full transition. You can shave your body hair, you can sit when you pee, and you can start growing out your hair.  (It took me about a year to go from a short cut to just barely ponytailable) you can also start taking care of your skin, wear lots of sunscreen, and drink plenty of water.

In terms of taking hrt, it varies by person. I don't have any real mood swings or anything like that, but I am much more in touch with my emotions. There are physical changes, your skin gets smoother, you will grow breasts, though for everyone it's "your mileage may vary."

In terms of surgery, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Pretty much any reputable surgeon will want you to live at least a year as your preferred gender before they will operate on you, and it's not like you need to have it right away, you can take as much time as you need.

I hope this is helpful.