Gabrielle Vs The Cliff

[Alice (nym)]

Yeh  ...

I dropped my first notch yesterday after giving up bread... still looking to drop another 2 though.

Keep up the good work girl! 

love
Alice

[Gabrielle66]

Yeh  ...

I dropped my first notch yesterday after giving up bread... still looking to drop another 2 though.

Keep up the good work girl! 

love
Alice

Thank you Alice,

I wish that I could say I only need a couple more notches but this is a start. I am looking to lose something close to 100 pounds but I will start with one and keep going from there. Eventually, I would like to have a realistic compact frame. I am so far overweight for my height. In my mind I am a thin petite lady. I want the exterior to match my inner self. I need to put more effort into exercise. Right now, I'm getting more walking than any other exercise but I want to get more intense activity involved. My body is ready to change. I just have to do my part to allow it to adapt. My diet has greatly improved and that's where most of the change is probably coming from. It's part of my journey to become that woman that I've always wanted to be. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Gabrielle66]

So I had another session today. My therapist is really trying to steer me away from HRT and surgeries. She is strongly suggesting that I try to live genuine at home if I can get my wife to accept that situation. I'm open to any possibilities but I have my doubts that dressing at home will be enough in the long term. I'm feeling dazed and confused. Maybe I should break out some Led Zeppelin? My wife is going to come to my next session in a week. I'm hoping to have a better understanding of her mindset and opinion after that session. I'll keep you all in the loop as my journey continues. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Alice (nym)]

Good luck Gabrielle with the next session with your wife.

I know a lot of people in the past have had to live in role before being allowed HRT, I think that's pretty barbaric. The only thing that it proves is a commitment to transition, or a conviction that you are genuine. But if you had a bacterial infection would you be required to prove it was an infection by living with it for a year before being given antibiotics? There is a difference between being given hormones for a month or two to see how you feel with them and full transition.

But then again Gabrielle, you could always dress down and wear jeans and a t-shirt that are bought from the women's section instead of the men's section and theoretically you are living in role. When I pick my daughter up from school, the women there and my wife, rarely wear skirts and dresses, rarely wear a lot of make up.

My plan has always been to start off androgynous. As I was explaining to a TERF this morning, how I feel is not determined by the clothes that I wear. I am not doing this to dress up like a princess every day.

Hang in there

love
Alice

[Gabrielle66]

Good luck Gabrielle with the next session with your wife.

I know a lot of people in the past have had to live in role before being allowed HRT, I think that's pretty barbaric. The only thing that it proves is a commitment to transition, or a conviction that you are genuine. But if you had a bacterial infection would you be required to prove it was an infection by living with it for a year before being given antibiotics? There is a difference between being given hormones for a month or two to see how you feel with them and full transition.

But then again Gabrielle, you could always dress down and wear jeans and a t-shirt that are bought from the women's section instead of the men's section and theoretically you are living in role. When I pick my daughter up from school, the women there and my wife, rarely wear skirts and dresses, rarely wear a lot of make up.

My plan has always been to start off androgynous. As I was explaining to a TERF this morning, how I feel is not determined by the clothes that I wear. I am not doing this to dress up like a princess every day.

Hang in there

love
Alice

Thanks Alice,

I really appreciate your well wishes. I'm having a very rough day today. I am feeling like my once possible future as an open female is just a wish. What is happening to my wife due to this is just crushing my soul. I am sick to see her in the pain and depression that she is suffering. She is completely dependent on me. She has no job or friends and no way to live on her own. Even if she wanted to leave she has no way of leaving so she is forced to be here with me with whatever happens. She is watching the man that she loves disappear and it has broken her. The country may decide next week to continue on the same path that we've been traveling for the last two years and if that happens, then I am certain all rights and protections of benefits for transgender people will vanish. What good is it to transition when the one person on Earth that I love most can't accept me and the society around me will also define me out of existence before I can even become my true self?

This is just how I feel today. I certainly hope that tomorrow will be better. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Stevi]

Gabrielle,

My journey from the day I came out to my wife, nearly seven years ago, to where we are today, I just this week came out on Facebook to "finish" my transition, was arduous and painful for both of us at many points along the way.  I know your case is unique to you as mine was unique to me.  But, I just thought I would let you know there is cause to hope even when it seems so dark.  Please, don't despair.  Be kind, sympathetic, patient and, above all, loving.

I wish well,
Stevi

[Gabrielle66]

Gabrielle,

My journey from the day I came out to my wife, nearly seven years ago, to where we are today, I just this week came out on Facebook to "finish" my transition, was arduous and painful for both of us at many points along the way.  I know your case is unique to you as mine was unique to me.  But, I just thought I would let you know there is cause to hope even when it seems so dark.  Please, don't despair.  Be kind, sympathetic, patient and, above all, loving.

I wish well,
Stevi

Stevi,

Thanks so much for your encouragement. Today is just very difficult. Everything just feels like it's crumbling at the moment. My life, my marriage, our country, and nothing seems to have any hope tied to it. I certainly hope that I feel differently tomorrow. Congratulations on your personal transition success by the way. I wish the very best for you. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Stevi]

Gabrielle,

You are most welcome.

Stevi

[Gabrielle66]

So, today I have a session at 4:00pm. My wife has agreed to come with me to this session. I am terrified at what I am going to hear. Please wish me luck and help me hope for the best. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Alice (nym)]

Good Luck Gabrielle

[Gabrielle66]

it did not go well. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Alice (nym)]

  Sorry to hear that. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

love
Alice

[Stevi]

Gabrielle,

Sorry to hear the joint session did not go well.  Is there anyway we can be of help?  Maybe a shoulder to cry on?

Hugs and hope,
Stevi

[Gabrielle66]

Thank you ladies for being here for me. I know that you of all people understand the struggle I am facing. Especially those of you who are married. It's all so painful to deal with. I'm finding it more difficult to just function in society the more that my wife pulls away from me. It is our 18th anniversary on Sunday and I have never felt so far away from her as I do now. I want to be close to her and feel that intimate connection that has always been there since we met. It seems like it's miles away now. Whenever I try to connect she just lets my attempt hang. She doesn't reject me, she just doesn't embrace my attempts like she used to.

I tried to let her vent during the session yesterday but she really didn't want to open up at all. My therapist kept trying to get her to open up and expand on some of her feelings about what going on but she just doesn't seem capable of it at this point.

After the session she would not let me touch her, she was visibly upset and said that she felt she was being judged in the session. I'm sure that she meant by my therapist but it felt like she had implied that she felt it from me as well. I don't judge her for her anger and feelings that I betrayed her but I want to find a way past those feelings. Without a two way conversation, we can't work through it.

I'm so afraid that we will never be able to reconnect and rebuild our intimate relationship. Physical touch is extremely important to me. I don't necessarily need sex but I need that intimate connection. Hugging and kissing and feeling the warmth of an honest togetherness. I do love sex but it's not the most important thing to me.

I know that it's only been a few sessions with my new therapist but after yesterday it just feels like there will be no happy ending for me. It feels like my wife will never accept me as being female and will never want us to be intimate again. It appears that we may be able to be best friends but that looks like the extent of my possible future with her. I'm so very sad over this. She is my life and I have nothing without her. All of my hopes and dreams have been built around being in a relationship with her. A loving and intimate relationship. I do feel very empty inside. The world just seems colder and less inviting that it ever has before.

Oh and the last thing is that she seems to be very negatively affected by my decision to wear panties. This one really hurts me deeply. When I wear panties, I feel more real. I feel more genuine in my own mind. I have a better attitude towards the world in general when I wear them. But I can't discuss this or explain it to my wife because she doesn't want to know anything about that. I don't even let her see me in them ever. I dress and undress out of her sight and I wash them myself so she doesn't even have to touch them. The one thing that makes me feel better that I have done is absolutely revolting to her. This is something I just can't wrap my mind around.

We have a trip to Vegas booked for our anniversary week, next week, and I don't know how to even approach it. I bought her tickets to see Cher because she loves Cher. We are going to be there four nights and we will have a king sized bed. In the past, these trips meant that we would try lots of new things. Especially when we were intimate. Now She will just sleep as far away from me as possible and to ease her frustration I will not even bring the panties along. I will just wear all of my normal everyday guy clothes. I want to wear something pretty. I want to be feminine. I hate my life right now. I am sorry for being negative. Danielle will be disappointed that I can't find a way to turn this into a positive but I just don't feel it right now. Thank you all for listening. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Alice (nym)]

I am so sorry to hear what happened. Are you getting any support else where?  Have to found a local trans group for example?  I find my local group very helpful and supportive where my wife isn't. Sometimes it is just nice being with real people who are no different to ourselves. I always leave feeling positive even when the meeting has had negative elements.

I wish I knew what to say about your wife. Perhaps schedule an appointment with your therapist to discuss it with them now they've had a chance to meet your wife too.

I'm kind of resigned to the fact that our marriage is over. We've had not intimacy for 8 years. She won't hug me, she won't kiss me, she won't hold my hand, we sleep in different rooms... we are only together for my daughter. The day after I see the psychiatrist will be the day that she finally has to face up to the fact that I am very likely going to be transitioning.

Accepting that my marriage is ended is not an easy thing to do. Especially as we don't fight with each other.

If your wife can't come around to accepting you then you will need to make the choice of transitioning or returning to male mode for the sake of your marriage... but will she accept that? And more importantly are you capable of living the lie?

Hopefully, she will come around to supporting you. I hope that she does. Making the choice is incredibly difficult and only you can do that. But in the meanwhile, I would recommend finding a local trans group for some additional support if you have not already done so.

*hug*

love
Alice

[Stevi]

Gabrielle,

I am so sorry you find yourself in the position you are in.  I can relate to the need for a loving, caring relationship with your wife.  On the road to our present excellent relationship, we went through some very dark times.  One of the difficulties my wife had was hopelessness.  She could not see how it could all turn out OK.  She could not find where it had turned out OK for anyone.  Every case she learned about seemed to fall short of what we had before I came out to her.

The reason I tell you that is as a preface to offering to connect you wife privately with my wife so your wife can speak/write to someone who is able to see her side because she has been there yet knows that it is possible to, in the end, be more than OK.

I know it might be impossible to even broach the subject with your wife, but if she wants to make the connection, let me know.  I'll get my wife's email or phone number to you to pass along.

(HUG)
Stevi

[Gabrielle66]

So yeah, it's been a rough day today. I am sitting at my desk crying and can't stop. It's cold and rainy outside and it just feels like it is a perfect match to my current mood. I really need to start a physical transition. I know that I am never going to be able to be truly happy again as a guy. I just hate so much that I am tearing my wife's world apart. God help me please.

Gabrielle

[jkredman]

Gabrielle:

I know it's terribly hard.  My transition coach keeps reminding me to go slow and be totally transparent.

She probably thinks her husband is dying.  And at the same time she 's clueless at how deep our pain truly is.

I know it hurts but try to slow down.

Ive rescheduled with my endo 3 times because the woman I love is struggling.  I'm looking at a 4th reschedule.....

Question:  is your therapist including your wife in any conversations?

My coach meets with my wife and myself individually for about 30 minutes each and then the three of us talk for about an hour.   It's working for us.

Just a thought.

Know that I'm praying for you two.

Kate






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Alice (nym)]

I'm sorry Gabrielle that I missed this post. So sad to hear life is hitting you hard right now. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups that can help you wife where you live?  Did you find a support group near where you are?  And if so, has anyone else who is further down the line of transitioning have a similar experience who could perhaps help you?  Or is it possible for someone else's wife to help your own?

If not, then there might be somewhere online that can provide support for your wife.

Keep strong girl

*hug*

love
Alice

[Jessica_Rose]

Gabrielle, I am a bit late to this thread, but I wanted to let you know there is hope. I have been married 34 years and we have two wonderful daughters. I started HRT on 23 March 2017 and went full-time on 16 Feb 2018. I expected my wife to leave, after decades of my anger and rage I thought this would be the last straw for our marriage. For months we slept in different rooms, and I didn't dare talk about it. Once we began going to therapy things began to improve. About 16 months after my journey began, my wife finally started to see the changes. Our relationship is now stronger than ever, and once again we are in love. Never lose hope. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Love always -- Jessica Rose