HELP NEEDED! I am having to revert for a family wedding

[Marcieelizabeth]

Hi all -

I am a year and 3 months into knowing the real me, and a year and three months on HRT and doing well, but I have not come out to my extended family and friends yet...it will be soon sometime after our daughter is married.  And there is the problem I am having!  We have a family wedding followed in a month by my daughters wedding.  I am having to buy new men's clothing and to be the man I always was for these events.  I have been trying to visualize getting through the events, and talked with my therapist about tit and thought I had it under control mostly by thinking about what comes next, and thinking of this as role playing! However, Yesterday I went and shopped for the clothes for the wedding - men's clothes - and actually found some on sale and reasonably priced, sometime in November they will for sale even cheaper and FTM friends want to buy them? ha! BUt I digress while discussing reverting...is that allowed?  sorry I am losing it.

OKAY - SO THE THING I NEED HELP WITH IS how can i get through this?.  I know some of you must have had to do this, to get through being you old self when all you really want is to move forward!  To be Marcie is all I care about most of the minutes in every day.  I love to wear women's clothing and feel finally at peace when I do.  I hope I am not being too dramatic about his but here is what happened to tip me off that this will not be a cakewalk!: I found a suit coat and shirts and bought them. I then could not easily locate the address of the next stop for my son and I, I called my wife and she said I already sent it to you!  I flipped out got angry and hung up on her...I, then, almost in tears realized it was all about having worn the men's clothes, and about hating, and crashing mentally over having to go backward. ]

I need help figuring this out!  PLEASE HELP!

Hugs and Love, Marcie

[Michelle_P]

Marcie, I certainly feel your pain in this, but I don't know how to help you through this.  I just want you to know that you are not the only one to feel this immense discomfort at being forced to revert.  I only got through these short periods of reversion by trying to stay positive and think of how I would feel once I changed back, that the distress was temporary and would be gone soon.

Anyone have some good suggestions or techniques to help Marcie?

[Harley Quinn]

I hope this doesn't put you off, but I have done it for years on Hormones, and still do. Just know that "this too shall pass". I keep my goals in mind... and despite making a concession or 2, you're not going off hormones, so you're still transitioning. A day or 2 in men's clothing that keeps the focus on the soon to be married couples is all that's happening. Your day of coming out will definitely be your day to shine, and every day after. You're still moving forward, and in the grand scheme of things a day or 2 won't be too bad. That is what I'd tell myself. I do similar nearly daily. I haven't been allowed to be open in the presence of my family since informing my mother. I've had a couple weeks (accumulatively) as myself over the past year and a half, and years of keeping it from my family before I informed my mom... the knowledge that transition is still happening and I'm a day closer to GRS pulls me through. Keep heart...

[GirlyBoy]

Hi all -

I am a year and 3 months into knowing the real me, and a year and three months on HRT and doing well, but I have not come out to my extended family and friends yet...it will be soon sometime after our daughter is married.  And there is the problem I am having!  We have a family wedding followed in a month by my daughters wedding.  I am having to buy new men's clothing and to be the man I always was for these events.  I have been trying to visualize getting through the events, and talked with my therapist about tit and thought I had it under control mostly by thinking about what comes next, and thinking of this as role playing! However, Yesterday I went and shopped for the clothes for the wedding - men's clothes - and actually found some on sale and reasonably priced, sometime in November they will for sale even cheaper and FTM friends want to buy them? ha! BUt I digress while discussing reverting...is that allowed?  sorry I am losing it.

OKAY - SO THE THING I NEED HELP WITH IS how can i get through this?.  I know some of you must have had to do this, to get through being you old self when all you really want is to move forward!  To be Marcie is all I care about most of the minutes in every day.  I love to wear women's clothing and feel finally at peace when I do.  I hope I am not being too dramatic about his but here is what happened to tip me off that this will not be a cakewalk!: I found a suit coat and shirts and bought them. I then could not easily locate the address of the next stop for my son and I, I called my wife and she said I already sent it to you!  I flipped out got angry and hung up on her...I, then, almost in tears realized it was all about having worn the men's clothes, and about hating, and crashing mentally over having to go backward. ]

I need help figuring this out!  PLEASE HELP!

Hugs and Love, Marcie

You are going to have to tell your family eventually.  Keeping this a secret is killing you.

You should go to the wedding posing as a man, because that is what your family still believes you are.  No need to shock them by suddenly being a woman at the wedding.  After the wedding, you should slowly break the news to your family that you are a woman.

[KathyLauren]

You are going to have to tell your family eventually.  Keeping this a secret is killing you.

You should go to the wedding posing as a man, because that is what your family still believes you are.  No need to shock them by suddenly being a woman at the wedding.  After the wedding, you should slowly break the news to your family that you are a woman.

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[KathyLauren]

Marcie, I am sorry that you are experiencing this stress.  I know that I would feel the same if I were in that position.

I agree with GirlyBoy that this is killing you.  Having to revert, even temporarily, would throw me into a major depression.  Still, a wedding is not the place to come out, so I think you have to bite the bullet and just get it done.

But the moment the weddings are over, you should start moving forward to come out to your family.  If someone comments about how good you looked at the wedding, that may be an opportunity to break the ice and talk about dysphoria.  Making a committment to yourself about coming out as soon as this is over may help you get through it.

You can't go on enduring situations like this.

[stephaniec]

its not going backwards

[Doreen]

I'd agree its not going backwards but like for me... eventually there is a 'point of no return'.

Frankly I doubt I could pass as a man if I tried, so why try.. In your case though?  You can only do what you think is necessary.  Never hurts to ask for advice though.  Could always go gender neutral and let them try to figure it out.. neither masculine nor feminine.  That is what I might try in your situation.

[KatieP]

You get to decide. All of us are just data points in your decision. And...

What would you do for your daughter? You say you will do anything, right? Is that really true? Can you find a way to hide you, so that all she sees is the dad she remembers, that guy who doesn't actually exist, but she doesn't know that? Can you do that so her wedding pictures show a ghost? And, not just exist being angry, but exist with the happiness that your daughter feels about the day that is coming? I hope you can. I bet you can...

You have sacrificed for a long time, Marcie. Frankly, I don't think a couple more months is much to ask in order for your daughter to rightfully have every bit of focus on her.

And, as I started, that is just one more data point.

Kate

[Janes Groove]

Wearing men's clothes does not change who you are inside.  They're just clothes.  You are still a woman. 

  After finally finding happiness in your life you want to share it  A happiness that you want to share with your closest friends and family.   They just haven't heard the good news yet. That living as your true self is healthy and makes you happy.  But a wedding is not the place for coming out.  Just chalk it up to bad timing. 

[Karen]

Hi.  I feel your anxiety as I read all of this.   It's tough and you're not alone.

I agree, you are not going backwards and you will have your day to come out properly.   

My doctor was helpful in getting me anti anxiety mess to help curb my stress. 

Good luck

Karen

[Maria77]

I do the same thing for my elderly mom.  She would never understand and as she has mild Alzheimers like symptons, i don't need to add more complications.  To me this is just about putting someone else needs before mine.  I owe my mom this.  Besides that I just try to see the humor in it.  For some reason even though I suppose I appear to be a gay man women hit on me.  I was waslking into the hospital with a mom and child.m i thought I looked pretty butch and then the lady says to the son (who I had compliemented) "say goodbye to the nice lady."  It's only a short time and it gave face a well-deserved rest from make-up.

[Rachel]

You are not going backwards. It is just part of what you decided to do to support others. It is their day (s) and even though it hurts you are sacrificing to support them. 

Look at all the things you have done and accomplished in a short period. You have made huge progress.

You will get your chance to be yourself all the time.

You may want to make a list of all the things you accomplished, include the two events, and then several things afterwards. This will put things into perspective.

[EvaB]

I have a similar situation.  I have delayed coming out to my extended family due to weddings, etc., but now that my son and his girlfriend are engaged, I am planning on informing the whole family on January 31st next year.  Far away from any family events.  (My wife asked me to delay so the family could have an undisturbed holiday season, but the time has come.)

My cut on the situation as someone said earlier in this thread is not the weddings, but not being able to come out is "killing you."  That is the issue you should be focusing on.  As long as people do not know the truth, you are a fraud, no matter how you dress.  The source of your stress is not the weddings but not being able to come out.  The weddings are the crutch for not doing so, but you are finding this reason for not coming out wearing thin.

When I come out, I will assure my son that for his wedding, I will still be his "Dad" as he knows me, I will sacrifice for him for a day.  If he wants me there.  BUT the point I am coming out with plenty of time for people to adjust, and for me to feel that I am being honest with them.  I don't know the timings of your family wedding obligations, but if you have a 3-4 month window in-between the events, maybe you should consider coming out ASAP.

Good-luck!

[Marcieelizabeth]

I have a similar situation.  I have delayed coming out to my extended family due to weddings, etc., but now that my son and his girlfriend are engaged, I am planning on informing the whole family on January 31st next year.  Far away from any family events.  (My wife asked me to delay so the family could have an undisturbed holiday season, but the time has come.)

My cut on the situation as someone said earlier in this thread is not the weddings, but not being able to come out is "killing you."  That is the issue you should be focusing on.  As long as people do not know the truth, you are a fraud, no matter how you dress.  The source of your stress is not the weddings but not being able to come out.  The weddings are the crutch for not doing so, but you are finding this reason for not coming out wearing thin.

When I come out, I will assure my son that for his wedding, I will still be his "Dad" as he knows me, I will sacrifice for him for a day.  If he wants me there.  BUT the point I am coming out with plenty of time for people to adjust, and for me to feel that I am being honest with them.  I don't know the timings of your family wedding obligations, but if you have a 3-4 month window in-between the events, maybe you should consider coming out ASAP.

Good-luck!

Eva, it is now two weeks until the second wedding, my daughters.  I am not coming out before that obviously!  I am now trying to plan a cushion to time coming out and who to tell prior to just plain being out completely.  It is terrifying and joyous and exciting to think about!  I am tired of worrying about others adjusting, I am me...sorry if that is hard on others. 

Love and hugs Marcie

[Laurie]

 Hi Marcie,

  Remember me? 2 weeks and you can relax again and be yourself. You can and will get through this one and then you get a breather to figure of how you will handle things going forward. Your daughter will be happy on he daddy's arm on her wedding day. Isn't that what is important right now?
  After you can do what you want and yeah, Marcie it is scary and exciting unless you do something like I did and then it just sneaks up on you unexpected.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[EvaB]

Agreed!  Two weeks?  There are no options.  Like Marcie says, be a man!     I say that facetiously.   
Hang in there for one day and then go back to being happy.

Funny, some days I just want to get it over with, now...  But I have preached to my kids to do things on your schedule.  You have a bad boss and hate your job, great, but get a new job in place and leave on good terms (bad references can hurt down the road).  Leave on your terms, not run out the door, whining, because you can't wait.  Now the tables are turned on me, here.

In the end you have to select the right time for you, but also you need to make sure you are not falling into the abyss of avoidance.  One suggestion, I read a book called Willpower, and one of the recommendations about this book to reduce distractions was to do something, anything about them.  Maybe this will just work for me, but I have placed a marker when I will come out, January 31, 2019.  I have done something about the issue of coming out.

It's not coming out, but a step in that direction.  Possibly, if you set a date for yourself, the stress may lessen.  Don't know, but it would be something you can do now, today, and make you feel you have done something.

Good luck and love...  EvaB

[Marcieelizabeth]

Hi Marcie,

  Remember me? 2 weeks and you can relax again and be yourself. You can and will get through this one and then you get a breather to figure of how you will handle things going forward. Your daughter will be happy on he daddy's arm on her wedding day. Isn't that what is important right now?
  After you can do what you want and yeah, Marcie it is scary and exciting unless you do something like I did and then it just sneaks up on you unexpected.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks Laurie - of course I remember you...I am so glad you have decided to go for it with GCS!  I know you were not thinking that way when we met. 

Thanks for the support.  At this point I am just getting through and for after, making a list and checking it twice!  Hoping it ends up nice!   Love and hugs