I have it all but............

[Itsdone]

Hey
Just my two cents on transition and my consequences.
I was married 32 years. My marriage was basically fine married to my best friend ever and soul mate.
She did not want to stay married because she did not want to be married to a woman.
I knew it.. somehow thought she would change her mind because we were so so so close.
I bought a house just a few houses from her to make it easier as we transitioned into our new lives.

I was so excited to finally be me that I did not care about consequences.  Financial or whatever I just wanted to get all my surgeries done and that was all that mattered to me.

I am very lucky to pass at an older age and I am very pretty and attractive.
So I got what I wanted.

My ex is getting married in November and I am happy for her.  She is selling her house and moving out of state.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I cry all the time over it.  The end is here.  She won't be down the street to chat with. She is moving on.
I am super sentimental.  More so than most people. I actually loved my marriage but GID was just too strong.  I had to change or  die.

So here I am.. No one to share life with and it sucks.  I have actually never been so sad in my life.  I can cry so hard I cry out in pain.  Sometimes I just want to die.  It just does not seem fair.

I don't think I realized what I was losing at the time.  It is for the best for her and for me.. I know that but it is a tragedy.

I say its a tragedy because two lives were changed forever.  I got what I wanted and she got nothing.. For her the pain was as bad or worse.  She has been through the loss of losing me and moved on as she should.

I am sitting here as me just now realizing how alone I feel.  I throw myself into music now.. one day you may see me sing and when you do you will know where my pain comes from in my music.  I am very passionate when I sing.

My music is now everything to me.. everything.  It is what keeps me going and that is not healthy but that is the way it is.

So now I am just a woman at an older age alone.  I know I am complaining and others have it much worse but it shows just how strong the urge is to be who we are. 

It also shows how real this is. It is not something we do for some stupid fantasy of being a woman. Its not a choice.  For many of us it is life or death.

I'm climbing a mountain to find happiness being alone.. I may never get there in this lifetime.  The peaceful valley may never come but I will go on.
Those words are from a song I sing better than anyone on earth called Up To The Mountain by Patty Griffin.. google it..

I don't know why I am writing.  Just being real. 

I so miss sharing fun things with a spouse.. I am so sad.

On another note.  If you are reading this and thinking about transition I endorse therapy and you should not attempt it without help navigating your feelings.  If I had not gone to therapy I would be questioning my decision to transition. Thankfully I have the tools to look back and know it was right for me.

Right for me but still a tragedy for two humans.

KB

[krobinson103]

I know exactly how you feel. I had to transition or die, and it has cost me my marriage. Even 10 months in passing isn't an issue and I know that I should I desire it there is no need to be lonely. However, I have kids and they need parents so as much as I wish to, leaving cold and starting again somewhere else isn't an issue. At the moment all we get from living together is stress and pain and i wonder if we will even get to this xmas without a major blowout.

But, I know that if I had not transitioned I would not be alive and yes, the cost to her is high, but death is worse.
Its still the best decision I ever made.

[Gabrielle66]

KB,

Your post is so painful to read. It affirms everything I fear most about transitioning. My wife and I have been married 18 years and have always felt we were meant for each other. My sudden realization of being transgender has shaken everything that we both felt was simply set in stone. No matter how much I want this not to be reality I can't make that true. I don't want to die in some horrible stress induced fit of despair. The sad fact is that no matter what the future holds for me, it's going to be the me named Gabrielle.

I pray that my future will be shared with my wonderful wife but I realize that may not be in the plan. All I can do is be true to myself, be honest with my wife in everything that I plan on doing, and have faith that the future will be good to us both.

I wish you all the best as the future unfolds for you KB. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[TabbyTT]

It's sad to drift apart from someone that you have been that close with for so long.

I also had to leave a relationship with someone I cared a lot for.  Without her encouragement and support, I would not have had the courage to come this far, and she put so much effort into making me beautiful.  Sure, there were other factors too.  But I owe her a lot of gratitude.  Ultimately, she also told me that she could accept it if I cross dressed, but that she will not be able to stay with me if I were to transition.

[Dena]

I don't know if your wife would be agreeable to it but Skype is an excellent way to stay in contact with another person. I have spent endless hours chatting with people probably 800 or more miles away from me and it's almost like being there. I know you can't share a hug but for the price of a camera and possibly a head set or speakers, it's possible to both see and hear another person.

[warlockmaker]

There is someone out there for each one of us if you want it. You can't lock yourself at home, go out to meet people in social gatherings and bars.

I never expected my wife to be with me, and not fair for her and honestly I wanted to live fully as a female and have affairs with men. I am not interested in a relationship, too high maintenance. Feeding mens egos.

I live with some females and have a wonderful life.Just get out there.

[Virginia]

Just my two cents on transition and my consequences.
I was married 32 years. My marriage was basically fine married to my best friend ever and soul mate...now I am just a woman at an older age alone.

My heart goes out to you, Itsdone. Thank you for sharing the dark reality of where a person may find themself after a successful transition.