So I wasn't originally going to post this here but since it has a hint to do with my transition I feel I should. If this topic is better for another board then move it there please.
It has to do with my mental health.. it has improved dramatically, I rarely feel dysphoira and I don't feel or see "him". This self acceptance part has gone a long way. As saidnin my last post I am feeling so much better I can work 50 plus hours a week and look after myself. 2 years ago that wasn't the case, I had to move back home and I couldn't really keep a job. I have went from panic and anxiety attacks each day to being rather calm and focused. All good stuff!!
However, there is something else. There is my family relationships. As you know long ago I got so anxious I didnself harm and felt physical symptoms from anxiety and that was due to dysphoira. The other issue I have doesn't make me find myself into doubtful self harm or have bizarre body symptoms, but it causes extreme anger and anxiety close to what I felt when I lived as a male. I feel pounding heart a sick feeling and bouts of random anger. This has to do with my moms marriage. My therapist and I uncovered I get this extreme anger from the dysphoira and my moms marriage due to intense feelings of dislike of being trapped. I can handle stress really well, except when it comes to those two things.
Now the story, my family has been odd over years. 11 years ago I would say we were rather close but after coming out I lost some randomly or they became too much I had to cut them out beciase they tried to doubt me and crush me into seeing their view on how I can't be female. Then there is my parents. My dad and I have an odd relationship in many ways (especially seeing as I haven't seen him since I was 15). However my moms marriage to her current husband is the one that actually causes me distress to this day.
My "step father" had always made it clear he didn't want me in the picture. He admitted on multiple occasions he never wanted me through out the years, he would create lies about me that were not true (he would say I didn't join the military because I was once on anti depressants, even tho that is no longer the case and I could join the military only after I had a surgery). He would always trash my bio father as traitor trash (only once we moved far away from my dad, seeing as my moms man is a tiny man and my dad is 6'5 and works out everyday). Back when I was a teen and had mental health break downs (primarily depression) he wound pounce on me harder then normal to get my mom made of they had an argument. He was destructive in many ways like smashing the house and people's property (not his just other people's stuff who lived in the house) when he was mad. The cops were once called on him beciase my moms friend begged her to do something which my mom was reluctant to do and after she didn't do she sobbed over him.
You would think my anger is at step dad but it isn't. It's my mom. She knew I was hurting but didn't do anything to help. She would say and still says get over it. When we lived in British Columbia it was kind of easy to get to safer ground as I lived in a city and could leave for a few hours and my dad was there so if mom and her lover started fighting and things were going to get ugly I could go have a fun time with dad before getting anxious about returning back to moms house. Then one day in 2008 we moved to this tiny town in Ontario and things got worse. My step father became even more vindictive and violent and my mom didn't seem to care if I was having a hard time. I was trapped and had no way out at all on our new Ontario house. I was the new odd kid at school and got bullied harshly and my bad step father became worse and my mom dismissed it all. I don't know how much I told her about school if at all, but at home if I complained even a little about the move it my step father my mom would tell me I could pack my bags and move to my unstable grandmothers house (since my dad didn't have his own place) or tell me to be greatful and get over it. She kept insisting moving to Ontario was better because in her mind if we stayed in British Columbia I would have been hanging on the street and would have become hard into drugs (yup, I know makes no sense) and she told me I was better off repeatedly because I would have been "more damaged" if we stayed out west because of "bad influences". Now I'm not saying I was thriving as an early teen mentally or emotionally when I lived in BC but shortly after moving to ON I became far more depressed and anxious and recall multiple hospital visits as well as being in a group home when I was 15. They minimized my feelings by telling me "it's just coming to the surface " when it was the feeling of being trapped with all this abuse that caused me to crash. But in all of their eyes it was a good thing.
This makes me upset because when my family moved from Ontario to Manitoba my little sister wasn't happy and even did thinks like yelled at my step father and throw things at him and he and my mom would have a group hug and tell her it be ok. My move from British Columbia to Ontario was I can't feel anything about this and if I do I better get over it or something worse will happen. Unlike my sister who was treated a bit like royalty on her move last year, the move I had 9 years before had my step father harassing me the whole time.
Deep down I think I want to drop my mom. But she has helped in other ways and could help next week with something. But sometimes when I talk to her I get extreme anxiety. Especially when it comes to the family. Since I left apprently nothing bad has happened, only good things. They went to Banff Alberta as a family and my step father actually went and enjoyed having time with my cousins and was "fun" and now they got a new kitty cat and a great life. It hurts beciase I never had good memories as a fanily, and anything that could be good became ruined due tonstep dad. And my mom expects me to get over it. I love her but a part of me thinks I would be happier without her. Am I off or not?
