Lacy, thank you for helping me to understand what Lantana and Sylvia are going through.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
I am mtf transgender, and have spent the past year, after coming out to my wife, working desperately to find a way for us to get through this together. It has been one of the hardest years of our lives.
Clearly!
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
I had told my wife about 4 years ago that I was transgender. She was fairly supportive and catered to the needs I had to express my femininity. However, after several months I realized that she was really struggling, and had been ignoring her own needs to help fulfill mine.
I find it so easy to ignore my own needs, and help my spouse fulfill hers. It's so much FUN! to help her take each new step toward her goal.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
When I first told her, I did a poor job of fully explaining myself, and she was under the impression that this was more of a kink or fetish. I felt terrible for having dropped a burden like that on her, so I purged all of my feminine clothes and closeted back up. I told her that she was right and that it was just a phase.
We had a toddler and a new baby at that time. I spiraled into a very heavy depression and became increasingly suicidal. This brought even more anxiety and stress to my wife. I was failing her as a spouse and was not able to give my children the care they needed. After a particularly dark episode resulting in my wife breaking our bedroom door down enough to send my toddler in to stop me from going to a place of no return, she convinced me to see a psychiatrist.
I'm so glad that's behind you!
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
I'll omit the details of the 3 years that followed, as I want to try to keep this tailored to the subject presented by @loopyem. In short, after being on meds for several years, I started talking to a therapist regarding the transgender feelings that wouldn't leave. My wife was aware that I was seeking help regarding it.
After finally coming to the realization that this is who I am, I once again told my wife I was transgender. This time her reaction was completely different. She was devastated. We had a couple months were I honestly didn't think we could stay together. It shocked me a bit, as she has always been very accepting toward the LGBT community.
I had a very hard conversation where I told her, that in order for me to keep going and feel true to myself, that transitioning was the direction I was needing to head. I told her that I didn't want to separate, but if she felt she needed to leave in order to stay true to herself, I would understand. She later told me she felt like I was trying to subtlety tell her I wanted to leave, but that was not the case at all!
Isn't it funny and tragic how we can misinterpret the people with whom we are the closest. What a relief for you that you had the love and respect to hear your wife -- I mean, really hear her.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
After a solid month and a half we were able to talk about everything again. She told me she felt like I was putting her in a lose/lose situation. She didn't want to be a divorced mother of 3, she didn't want her husband to commit suicide but she also was not a lesbian and married me with the understanding she was marrying a man. She felt like I had betrayed her, lied to her and tricked her. She felt like she would be judged by others because of this. (Everyone I have told is actually the opposite. They are very empathetic to my wife's situation and in no way think any less of her). She became riddled with anxiety. She was also very furious with my parents, as I grew up in an ultra conservative home, where I was told it was wrong and sinful to feel this way. The fact that my parents never sought therapy for me also upset her.
Wow! I commend you for your strength and clarity as you dealt with such a response. I appreciate her anger that you hadn't resolved your transness before she met you. I appreciate her struggling, working to sort out what her options were. I hope that she understands that you didn't intend to betray, lie or trick; that you were as honest about your identity as you could be.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
I was so confused! I told her that I had never intentionally lied to her. I explained that I felt like I had been lying to myself since the age of 5, trying to believe that I didn't truly feel this way. If it wasn't for her help and encouragement for me to talk to a therapist, I would not have done it by myself. I was also taught as a child that therapy was a fraud and everything was something that could be prayed away or overcome in my mind.
My wife said she understood that I was lying to myself, and had been hobbled in my youth on how to seek proper help sooner. That did not change the fact that she felt trapped in a lose/lose place.
How ironic that if your wife, who didn't want you to become a stranger in one way or another, hadn't helped and encouraged you to talk to a therapist, you and she might not be where you are today: miles ahead of where you were in understanding who each other are, and learning how to face a huge, scary challenge together.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
After much encouragement she went to a therapist for herself, and that seemed to really help her. She was able to talk to someone completely unbiased and who was there strictly for her and her feelings. I am so happy she went. I would strongly recommend it if you all can. I feel very strongly that SO care during this time is just as important as care for the trans individual.
Hooray hooray hooray! I'm so glad that she went to a therapist, too. I love your statement, "SO care during this time is just as important as care for the trans individual."
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
I did as much research as I could about the way SO of Transgender people felt and processed things. I can confirm that everything you all are saying is how a HUGE majority of spouses feel.
You are so good at seeing from different perspectives.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
In fact my wife came across this forum not knowing that I had been reading it myself for years!
I read an article (I don't remember where) that having a spouse transition can feel like your spouse has died. It can present a feeling of a devastating loss. I asked my wife if this is how she felt and she confirmed that it was. After hearing that, I was so sad. With that knowledge though I was able to have a better understanding of the difficulties she had when we would talk about our future.
Isn't it amazing that we can have deep, intimate talks, and still overlook what is important to know? As my spouse and I read posts and comments here, we're amazed how many times someone mentions something that we never discussed in the 15 years that we have been working together to figure this transgender thing out.
I don't yet understand why some wives grieve. I don't understand their feeling of loss. The trans person is still the same person, but more so. I can understand anger at the society that has obstructed the honest self-expression. I can understand the fear that key people will not approve, but I understand that such extreme responses are unusual, and thus make intriguing stories.
But loss, I don't understand. I didn't lose anyone. We gained deeper closeness as she gradually became more able to express her honest self.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
It has been a year since re-coming out to my wife and I am just now about to begin HRT. It is still hard for her, she still cries sometimes during our conversations together. I continue to allow her the space she needs, but we both agreed to continue working through this together and stay open with our communication.
Congratulations on starting HRT! Congratulations for all the hard work that you put into exposing and resolving the fears and confusion, and look at the great place that you are! Beginning HRT, and your wife staying on board -- amazing.
Quote from: RealLacy on October 17, 2018, 03:49:45 PM
To her it has only been a year that this has been a struggle for me, as opposed to the 25 years it has actually been that I have had a struggle with my identity. This can bring her feelings of me rushing into things. It requires repeated conversations. We both have to understand where the other is coming from in order to keep our marriage together. We have agreed to see how things go, but both understand that it isn't fair for either of us to live contrary to ourselves.
I truly hope you all are able to find the support you need, to understand that your reactions and feelings are completely normal and to continue to stay strong!
Lacy
I love how well you understand and represent your wife's perspective. Understanding where each other is coming from is essential for my spouse and me, as well.
May you and your wife stay strong! So many encouraging stories here at
susans.org !