Round in Circles

[LucyEgo]

I go to bed at night wishing I couldn't feel my "junk", imagining that I had female genitalia and feeling quite happy. I can see myself as a woman. Then I wake up and realise I don't have the voice, Im far too tall, far too fat, and I can still feel my junk. The mirror shows someone who's gaining some femininity but has a load of beard stubble. My mannerisms through the day are male. My hands are male. Last night I cried.

Today I started thinking I need to make this happen. I need to speak to my GP and get a referral.

Then I thought about what my family would say and about other things that a transition may hold me back from - especially a religious vocation (which is assumed but not certain). I don't really detest my male life. I wish I could think like a female and be "seen" as a female while still appearing male. Does that even make any sense? I guess like I wish I could feel like I had, or I could see female genitalia and wish that I could see myself as female but still want parts of the world to see me as male.

Then I realise I've got male clothes, male everything, just suck it up, be a man because heck, it's going to be easier living life as a man  in terms of opportunities in life and even going into vocation that it is to be a trans-woman. If it was 20 years ago, it might be a little easier. But I feel life is ticking away. There's this time window that Im in whereby one wrong move, and I say bye to the vocation.

I am going through loads of therapy at the moment trying to work everything out.

[Gabrielle66]

Lucy,

That is such a hard place to be in. I can understand what you are saying when you believe that coming out as trans will limit your vocational opportunities. I do believe that's true. What I can tell you is my own gospel truth. The longer you leave your proper gender bottled up the worse it will be for you personally. You might think that you can just handle it for the sake of your career but if you are anything like the average trans person you will crack eventually. It will not be pretty and in a lot of cases people can't handle the pressure and resort to drastic measures including suicide.

I wish that I had faced the reality years and years ago but I didn't. So, I can't cry over the past and think that will change anything. What I can do is just give you my hones advice as somebody who lived with my transgender identity bottled up for 52 years. Let your true self have the opportunity to shine. Allow yourself the permission and freedom to be whoever you truly are. Being born with the wrong parts happens sometimes. It's just reality. I believe if I had let myself be free 20 years ago that I would be a happier but perhaps lonelier person. I wouldn't have changed my wife's life forever and I wouldn't have lived for those extra 20 years in an unsettling state of anxiety.

Do what you feel is best for you but don't just make your decision based on how much money you will earn over the rest of your lifetime. Therapy should really help but you have to be totally honest with yourself. You only get one life to live here on Earth. Make the best of it for you. Whoever you feel that you are. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Alice (nym)]

Lucy,

I felt exactly the same as you. I can't remember how many times I took a knife to my 'junk' but never had the will power to follow through. I thought, if I could just have the op and still live as male then it might be helpful. Even discussed it with my wife.

BUT, I agree with Gabrielle66... two weeks ago everything came crashing down on me. The gender dysphoria had been building up for a month, and I needed a release, I sought out someone I thought might help and they let me down big style. Then everything just crashed down on top of me. The dam burst and I am still feeling the effects of it now. The lid was off and she was not going back in the box.

It has took me a little over 2 weeks and lots of amazing help from people online to get things under enough control to function... but only just. The slightest thing and it is another wave of shaking and crying. Constant anxiety... literally no relief. Not sleeping at night. Pure hell... it feels like my sides are trying to pull themselves apart. The sense of shame, guilt, embarrassment, euphoria, happiness, depression, sadness... my emotions are like a bouncy ball in a confined space banging off the walls, ceiling, and floor. It is seriously nuts. I was an absolute mess for 3 days straight.

I went to the GP as soon as I could get an appointment and it wasn't as bad as I feared. He took me seriously, he was positively excited at treating a patient that wasn't the usual run of the mill complaints. He referred me to a Gender Identity Clinic... and now I am just waiting for the appointment. My emotions are still all over the place. I am currently trying to get in contact with my local trans group and hopefully will have at least touched base with them by next week.

So, I would advise you to talk to your GP now and get a referral because honestly, it isn't going to go away and you don't want to find yourself in the middle of a city, on a very public street, shaking and crying and having a meltdown. It is not pleasant.

I've not had my first appointment yet, but from past experience of talking to therapists, they really do help you come to terms with the problems you are facing and help you see the options and opportunities available. It can't hurt you to discuss it in a safe place with people who know how to be confidential. It won't cost you your job to talk to someone with expertise, so you have nothing to lose and nobody is going to force you to do something you don't want to do.

[KathyLauren]

Lucy, I understand your ambivalence.  You see pluses and minuses both ways, and you'd prefer not to have to make a decision.

But life doesn't work that way.  And, in particular, dysphoria doesn't work that way.  If you decide not to address it, it will likely come back worse in future.  The good news is that it is never too late to start transitioning.  I started at age 62.  But, the younger you start, the better the results.

Your religious vocation may be an issue if you had your heart set on a particular denomination that is not accepting.  But there are many denominations, and some of them are accepting of trans people.  If you feel called to a vocation, you should not have to choose between it and being your authentic self.

[Sinclair]

Best wishes Lucy, talk to your GP and also see if there are any local support groups. One of the BEST aspects of this site is that there are so many older (like me!) MTFs here. It's awesome and very inspiring to me! 

[pamelatransuk]

Lucy

I sympathise as I participate in Church Life as a parishioner in my local Catholic Church and I know from general discussions that I would not be accepted there when I publicly transition in 2019. Therefore I must leave and find another parish of another denomination.

I hope you are able to explore your trans identity in therapy and consider HRT subsequently aswell as following your call if you so decide, to enter the priesthood in an accepting Church.

Hugs

Pamela

[LucyEgo]

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot.

One of my overriding fears is that I'll never make it in the world by myself. I have nothing, literally nothing myself and a paranoid partner who thinks Im always going to cheat, disapproves of my friends, how I spend my money despite them being one of the main causes of that spending. They won't even support me if I did decide to transition. They support my cross dressing but not transition.

Where do I live? How do I survive?

If I had no other options, I would go straight to my GP right now. But the problem is I've got these other things going on which may be possibilities. It's difficult to say goodbye to a possibility when you can't see the future and how it might turn out. The vocation might be the thing that makes it all click for me. Am I ready to cut that out? What if I transition and life still doesn't make any sense?

Whatever's going on now, isn't my life. It's someone elses life. I don't want this life.

I am torn between a vocation and being completely a male agendered celibate person, and being a woman. I could still have a vocation as a transgendered woman I guess?

[LucyEgo]

Talk about 24 hours.

Met a couple of people yesterday who just decided to join me and my friend at the table.

They seemed like they didn't know if they should be doing that, but I guess they just fancied the security of not sitting alone. To break the ice, I told them that I was having gender therapy where I got really great support, love and reassurance and told how brave I was.

This afternoon I've made an appointment with my GP!

[KathyLauren]

Wow, WAY TO GO, Lucy!!  How brave to come out to strangers!  And congratulations on making the appointment!

[Alice (nym)]

Well done Lucy!! The first step. This is a long process, it doesn't happen over night but you've made the right move. Good luck.

[pamelatransuk]

Congratulations Lucy on both counts.

Hugs

Pamela

[LucyEgo]

And I've done a complete massive 180.

Im now telling myself this was nothing more than an obsession. I feel guilt, shame, anxiety. It shouldn't be like this. I've cancelled my appointment with my doctor and Im going to cancel my therapy after next one. Im going to pack everything away and focus on being a man.

What brought this on? I don't know.

In mans clothes, I look quite feminine. In female clothes, I look too  masculine. I doubt I'll ever pass. In female clothes, all I feel like I see is the man staring out behind a fake layer of femininity which can't hide my true identity. It's an embarrassing secret that I can lock away for good.

I felt guilty thinking about sex as a female, but then I tried to think how I would feel if I was a female at birth? Sex would just be natural. The things I was thinking would just be completely natural. That helped. But I can't change my perceptions.

I can own being a man. I can own wearing mans clothing. I can own looking like a man. I can accept my male anatomy. I can't own being a woman, or wearing womans clothing or looking like a woman. Im disconnected from her.

[NancyBalik]

Good luck, hon. My heart bleeds for you reading this thread today for the first time. Your first post grabbed me, was me, and I knew just how confusing it is. Your last post scares me. Although I'm thinking that you were smart not to start hurt, because you remain so ambivalent, I'm also worried that you've got a ways to go with this. Repression and denial of gender dysphoria may not work for you in the long run. Keep trying to sort it out. It's taken me a lifetime, Nancy

[Alice (nym)]

 

You have to do what is best for you... nobody can make those decisions for you.

Yesterday, I was on a kind of high because I was beginning to accept that this was going to happen. I finally decided on a name, Alice, and I was going to make that name my own. Spent half the day just trying to feminise my handwriting style.

Then late last night I got tagged to make a YouTube video promoting male mental health issues. The timing was just all wrong on so many different levels but it made my a bit depressed because this would've been a good time to talk about gender dysphoria but I am not yet at that stage where I want to be open to the world. I am getting there, but I want to talk to the therapist first.

Today, I woke up and the masculine was fighting back. I had the same thoughts that you are having now. I am not going to pass, I am going to be silly, I am going to be a man in a dress... and all of that stuff.

For the first time in 3 weeks, I feel today that if I wanted to, I could probably put my feminine back in its box and close the lid. The gender dysphoria though has not gone away. I am still observing how women behave in public, I am still envious that they are women, and if anything it the dysphoria has got a lot worse because now I am starting to cringe when I hear people using my male name.

I could put her back in the box today and take the step to try and embrace the masculine once more... but for how long?  It is not going to go away. It is always going to be there. No, this needs to be dealt with now no matter what my mind is saying about being a man in a dress. Besides, I don't even have to wear dresses to be female. I probably won't for most of the time because I am an outdoorsy type of person and will wear practical clothes.

You can put the female back in her box... but next time, and there will be a next time, she will come out more stronger. It might be 20 years down the line or it could be next year. But what I've found is that the more masculine I try to behave, the stronger and more intense the dysphoria becomes until it gets to a stage where you can't cope anymore and it explodes.

I think that you know this is going to happen, deep down inside, you know this isn't going to go away or you wouldn't have posted here, you would've just vanished from the forums never to return.

It is your life to live as you wish... but if you were looking for advice, I would hold onto your inner-self and at least talk to the therapist and GP about how you feel before cancelling the appointments... it costs nothing to talk to them.

We all have these feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment... I say 'we' and by that I mean people like you and me who are at the very start. These are obstacles that we must overcome... even if after talking to your GP and therapist, you and they decide that you are male... these are obstacles that must be overcome.

The video I was asked to make was about encouraging men to speak to their GP, to seek help, and be honest with their own feelings of anxiety, depression, stress, etc. To not be embarrassed or feel guilty or shameful about addressing mental health issues and seeking help.

Please don't cancel your appointment... nobody is going to make you a woman if you don't want to be one. But it is important to talk to people about how you are feeling and you wouldn't be here if it you didn't have some issues, regardless of what they are, that need a little extra help from a professional so that you can move on with your life content in who you are.

[KathyLauren]

Only you can know which path is right for you.  I hope that the decision you are making works out for you.  We all deserve to be happy. 

If you find later on that dysphoria is still there and you need to do something about it, you know where to find us.

[LucyEgo]

We all have these feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment... I say 'we' and by that I mean people like you and me who are at the very start. These are obstacles that we must overcome... even if after talking to your GP and therapist, you and they decide that you are male... these are obstacles that must be overcome.

This is another part of the problem.

My therapist has been talking about me going round in Circles and never getting anywhere. I felt like I was letting them down so I started to accept this side of me and I noted some things became easier and felt easier.

I have wondered whether I am just talking myself into it, conditioning myself into believing that this is true.

My therapist won't put words in my mouth. She said it has to be my decision. There's no blood test, no brain scan, no nothing but subjective feelings and thought process, of which, I cannot trust my own. I have been wrong so many times before.

If I could pass, that would be half the battle. But I'll never pass. I at least never pass to myself. I wonder if that's the distinction? I don't look female to me.

Im starting to feel some regret now. I think there is a tiny seed in me that says don't give up just yet. Keep exploring.

Think maybe I need to step out. Take a breather. And go again. It all feels a bit much to process at the moment.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Lucy

I hope you don't mind if I make three comments on your recent posts as I honestly only wish to help.

1. Your friends would disapprove of transition but accept crossdressing. Crossdress only, if that is your desire but please do not think you need approval anyway.

2. If you are drawn to both celibacy and to being female, it is possible to be both and indeed I am.

3. Please try not to worry so much about passing - I know it is difficult as we prefer not to clocked but passing is not so vital these days.

Finally as others have said, it is unwise to deny and suppress (I did it for decades till I could manage no more) and if you cancel your appointments, you lose the opportunity to at least talk to a professional with experience of these feelings and who is likely to provide some tips.

However I wish you success and happiness whichever route you chose to take.

Sending Love

Pamela  xx

[pamelatransuk]

I think there is a tiny seed in me that says don't give up just yet. Keep exploring.

Glad to hear it Lucy. Very wise.

Hugs

Pamela

[KathyLauren]

I started to accept this side of me and I noted some things became easier and felt easier.

That is a clue, something to work with.

I have wondered whether I am just talking myself into it, conditioning myself into believing that this is true.

Or talking yourself out of it.

If I could pass, that would be half the battle. But I'll never pass. I at least never pass to myself. I wonder if that's the distinction? I don't look female to me.

Check out the before-and-after thread.  There are some amazing transformations there, people that you would swear had no chance of passing but turned into beautiful women.

I think there is a tiny seed in me that says don't give up just yet. Keep exploring.
...
Think maybe I need to step out. Take a breather. And go again. It all feels a bit much to process at the moment.

Take your time.  Exploring is a good idea.  Taking a breather when it gets too much is a good idea, too.

[Alice (nym)]

If I could pass, that would be half the battle. But I'll never pass. I at least never pass to myself. I wonder if that's the distinction? I don't look female to me.

I think that at this moment in time, whether you pass or not is irrelevant. That is a decision to be made later. I think the important step right now is to explore your feelings with a professional. The fact that you are here, suggests there are issues you need to discuss. So talk with an expert on gender therapy. Explore yourself with them and it will probably take a number of sessions. The key thing right now is that you talk to professional people who can help you come to terms with yourself and who you can trust to keep your confidence. Then later, you can decide with their help if you are male or female and then explore the options available to you. Not everyone transitions.

So even if you want to live as a man and want to try and put this all behind you... please do not cancel your appointments. It is good to talk and it is a chance to unburden yourself to a professional who you can trust.