Coming out to mom with cancer....

[anon1256]

Hi, I'm hoping someone here can help me out with some advice...

My partner is trans (mtf), and has slowly been coming out to everyone in our social circles for the last year or so. There's pretty much only one person remaining that she hasn't come out to - my mom.

My mom has stage 4 breast cancer, which she has been battling for many many years now, going off and on different medications, and been through chemo once before. She went into complete remission a couple years ago but the cancer has since returned and now she's on medication for it, but has had to keep switching to new medications because they aren't as effective as the doctors want. She's seemingly a very healthy person on the outside, and continues to live her life happily, but she does battle with A LOT of stress at times, and her cancer isn't really getting better. Her blood pressure was unusually high recently and we aren't exactly sure why.

Note: My parents are divorced and my dad lives many states away, I rarely see him. My mom is single.

So with all this being said, I've been terrified to tell my mom about my partner, or to have her come out to my mom. My mom has known my partner since before she began her transition, and is pretty much completely oblivious to the idea of her being anything other than male-identifying, even though she has started hormones recently and does dress very femininely (but still tones it down when around my mom).

I'm worried that this will be a huge shock to my mom, and that she will worry about me and my partner, and possibly that she will not be very accepting at first and will stress out over it or even become depressed. I really just don't want to put any more stress on her and this whole thing has already been a huge stress on me, I can't imagine what she will think or feel about it.

But it's become so painful to not let her know. It's been so so so scary having her be in the dark and it makes me feel so sad and stressed every single day to have to hide it from her. I live with her currently...

If anyone can offer some advice on how to approach this situation I would be so grateful

[Northern Star Girl]

@anon1256
Dear Anon1256:
I wish that I had some good answers for you regarding your concerns and questions that you shared in your very first posting... now that other members can see you posting I am certain that you will receive some good replies with ideas of how to handle your delicate situation with your mother..... but for now... you need to be Officially Welcomed here.

This is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
    There are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you will soon be aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
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[Northern Star Girl]

@anon1256
Dear Anon1256:
Just before I let you have your posting back so that other members will know that you are new here and can comment on your posted thoughts... please find your way to the  Introductions Forum and write an brief introductions post about yourself so that more members here on the Susan's Place forums will be aware of your arrival.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

[Sarah1979]

Hi, I'm hoping someone here can help me out with some advice...

My partner is trans (mtf), and has slowly been coming out to everyone in our social circles for the last year or so. There's pretty much only one person remaining that she hasn't come out to - my mom.

My mom has stage 4 breast cancer, which she has been battling for many many years now, going off and on different medications, and been through chemo once before. She went into complete remission a couple years ago but the cancer has since returned and now she's on medication for it, but has had to keep switching to new medications because they aren't as effective as the doctors want. She's seemingly a very healthy person on the outside, and continues to live her life happily, but she does battle with A LOT of stress at times, and her cancer isn't really getting better. Her blood pressure was unusually high recently and we aren't exactly sure why.

Note: My parents are divorced and my dad lives many states away, I rarely see him. My mom is single.

So with all this being said, I've been terrified to tell my mom about my partner, or to have her come out to my mom. My mom has known my partner since before she began her transition, and is pretty much completely oblivious to the idea of her being anything other than male-identifying, even though she has started hormones recently and does dress very femininely (but still tones it down when around my mom).

I'm worried that this will be a huge shock to my mom, and that she will worry about me and my partner, and possibly that she will not be very accepting at first and will stress out over it or even become depressed. I really just don't want to put any more stress on her and this whole thing has already been a huge stress on me, I can't imagine what she will think or feel about it.

But it's become so painful to not let her know. It's been so so so scary having her be in the dark and it makes me feel so sad and stressed every single day to have to hide it from her. I live with her currently...

If anyone can offer some advice on how to approach this situation I would be so grateful

This is the part that stood out to me, if you live with her then she sees you every day, and if this is causing you as much stress as you say, she probably already knows something is up.  You might want to weigh the idea that this is already causing her some amount of stress against the potential of revealing this to her.

Hugs

Sarah

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Anon.  I am sorry to hear about your mother's illness.  I am sure it is stressful for everyone, including you.

I faced a similar dilemma with my wife's parents.  Both were in their 90s, and pretty frail, and we thought we should avoid causing them stress by coming out to them.  I was full-time, but I didn't go with my wife when she went to visit, so it wasn't an issue.

But, as their health continued to decline, we realized that, sooner or later, there would be a funeral.  I felt that it would be wrong not to attend, but I just couldn't bring myself to revert to male mode for the occasion.  And it would have been very wrong to come out at the funeral.  So we decided to tell them.

It couldn't have gone better.  My wife told them, and some time later, I went with her for a visit.  They were both amazingly accepting.  They got my name right every time.  There were a couple of pronoun slip-ups, but they corrected themselves.  My MIL even gave me a beautiful gold necklace.

After my MIL eventually passed on, my FIL would phone to talk to my wife.  If I answered the phone, he made a point of addressing me by my name every time.  It was a beautiful display of support by a real gentleman.  He has since passed on, too.  But they both got to meet the real me.

I tell you my story to show that, although it is easy to fear the worst, the reality may be much better, even with elderly parents.

[Gertrude]

Do you know your MILs views on LGBT? That might help how you approach this. Also, does your partner have any siblings? If so, do they know and if they do, how did they take it? On one hand, you're not responsible for others feelings, but it's still not an excuse to be an ahole. However you do it, show live and compassion no matter how it turns out. Many of us older folks never got the chance to tell our parents and it's a regret. Good luck with this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Lynne]

I just know one thing, I wish I had the strength to discuss my feelings in detail with my mother before she passed last year(partly from cancer).

My situation was a little different. My mother knew I was trans, she knew that my partner was also a trans girl but I was never really capable of discussing my deepest feelings with my mother. So in the end she never really understood me, my feelings, or my reasons for wanting to transition. I guess she never really thought of me as her daughter, she just accepted that I like to look like a woman.

The last time I saw her was on her birthday, a week before she passed, and I was still avoiding the subject and in the end I had to attend the funeral as her son because I didn't want to cause a scene.

We had our share of disagreements but I think our bond would have been much stronger in her final years if I had explained my feelings to her better, and almost a year later I wouldn't feel regret every day about not doing it.