Being Socialized Male 101

[Virginia]

sitting with legs spread apart as much as possible

There is a reason we were all taught to sit up straight with the knees together/thighs parallel. Sitting with the legs separated causes the pelvis to tip rearward, decreasing the arch in the lumbar spine which makes it extremely tiresome to sit and leads to slouching. This goes hand in hand with poor posture and slouching.

[blackcat]

Macho stereotype : man :: square : rectangle

Some men are this but definitely not all. Confidence, and in turn, success, are all that really "matter" (please note the quotes). You can be whoever, doing whatever, provided you are confident and successful.

I spent my whole life around artistic men. Sensitivity played well is a potent aphrodisiac. Dandy straight guys have raked it hard for centuries.

Use your imagination, open your eyes, and be yourself. There are so many different types of men, and you're not a failed man if you fail at being a stereotype. "Manly" behaviors are all about confidence and success.

Taking up space = confidence. Leading the way = confidence. You can play soccer or shred guitar, either with confidence WILL earn respect and/or be sexy.

I get irritated when I'm in yoga class at the gym, trying to relax, and some rich married woman starts moaning for the male yoga instructor, "Oh, my legs feel SO GOOD after that workout!" This poor guy doesn't get a minute to himself. He's totally zen, CONFIDENT, and excellent at what he does, but so not the macho stereotype.

Drinking beer and bumping fists and trying to say as little as possible isn't going to get you anywhere UNLESS THAT'S WHO YOU NATURALLY ARE and you're vibing in your element (e.g., confident). If you thrive as a macho guy in a macho environment, that's awesome. If you're not that guy, be the guy you are so you can thrive.

I'd look like a complete [your choice of expletives here] at any kind of sportsy-gathering-thing because I don't care, you can't make me care, and testosterone didn't make me care (actually, it made me care less). But I can spin fire and that's badass. 

Ugh, sorry, I don't like stereotypes. In this situation, I think they can be toxic unless deconstructed.

I think a better way to look at this is: who are some men you admire? What makes them successful, gives them a strong presence, etc.?

I 100% want to be Rick from Rick and Morty when I grow up. Ruthless and brilliant.

I'm going to turn this on its head one more time still and ask: have you ever considered how "male socialization" has been detrimental to men? Sometimes I feel like being raised female is like being given a set of cheat codes because my perspective to certain problems is different, I don't have ridiculous hangups about expressing myself intimately, etc.

And yes, I would have been beaten up for being gay in school. Lucky I missed that.

[lostinlonging]

The large difference is Males are " closed " and Females are " open " with their bodies. Men do not look at people and have with focus with their task they do. Never look at children in public not at females if you are not a friend to them. Never walk with closeness and if dark, night or public area. Do not talk to others in the bathroom or look at others bodies. In meeting people say hallo and do not ask the people if they are feeling happy, sad, and be open as female would. Men like to joke and play their are just as kinder ! child and will make jokes that are very cruel to others but this is a man binding way and is ok to be in their group.
If you are feeling as gay man you are all ok to be like female. But Men are not to be soft and understanding for helping others. Good luck have fun with the boys !
Dank

[Carolina]

  Ok, mature cd here (sharing a very male body).

  Interesting to see the many perceptions of manhood.  And "manhood" is also a widely varied thing. 

  One thing that most successful males share is "confidence".   Now that doesn't mean bullying, or putting someone else down.  It means that that person has gone through experiences and has gained confidence because of having done so.  (Males trying to Fake being successful do the bullying or putting someone else down.)

  Personal space varies according to the situation.  "Street Smarts" gives the ability to read how others subconsciously give or take personal space in varying situations.  (Like the woman sensing how a couple of guys behind her are moving closer or not.)   

  Learn some basics about cars.  (But maybe that's a generational thing?)  How to change a tire, check fluids and pressures, things like that.  It is expected -- at least in the 90% of the US outside of major cities.  Get some tools.

  And know how to talk about cars -- the same as the sports thing.  Are you "Drag" or "Street"?  "Sports" or "pickup".  What about Ford's aluminum bodies? 

  And maybe fishing -- again, its the same as the sports thing.  My guy doesn't do it, but he has friends who talk for hours about fishing. (Ugg!)

  Learn some basics about building, how houses are put together.  Its simple enough once you start looking at them.  And, come to think of it, Look At Things for the purpose of understanding them.  After awhile you start seeing things that mean something -- a missing bolt that someone forgot to put in indicating sloppy workmanship, a slightly sagging roof line indicating a broken rafter,  the zig-zag of brick cracks indicating a bad foundation.

  Beer.  Well my guy doesn't drink much, but he has a favorite of course.  Don't all guys?

  Ok, there's some thoughts on things that men know about because of how they live their lives.
   

      Carolina



 
   

[sarahc]

I don't know if you NEED to know how to talk about cars or fishing or building, specifically (I certainly haven't as a male), but I'd say you need to have some male-centric interests about which you can demonstrate expertise. Besides muscles, expertise display / competence in manly things provides a way for men to exude confidence (especially for those men who don't have the muscles). That's why men mansplain a lot! (Sorry, ladies...)

So pick a male-centric topic you're interested. Typical hetero skills include: computers, sports, cars, repair work, there's ton of them, just pick one you'd actually enjoy doing. Honestly, it really depends on what type of men you like hanging out with. I have found that a tight group of male friends may have very different personalities but they bond over similar interests.

[Ryuichi13]

Welp, for those of us that are interested in "The Nod" that many cis men do, here's an interesting discussion of how to (or how NOT to) do it. 

The Nod 

Since I've been given this a few times recently by cis men, "the Nod" is something I feel I should know how to do!

Ryuichi

[Tentacles]

lol I always give the nod, didn't know it was a thing. Anyway, watching sports in order to appear more masculine idk. I live in Sweden so you don't have to like watching sports in order to be masculine. My dad is probably the most masculine man I've met and he doesn't like watching sports. He also sits down while peeing. I think being confident in yourself speaks way more than following some male tradition.

[Swedishgirl96]

One thing I think of right away is how men and women view transportation.

Women commonly view transportation as going from point a to point b. Nothing more.

Men gets interested in the vehicle. How it works, how fast it can go, how old it is and so on. The car you own, as a man, is a part of your identity. And you are curious on others cars or other kinds of means of transportation. For instance when flying you want to know what kind of plane you're in, how old it is, where it's made and so on.

[skipulus]

Thanks so much for starting this thread.

I have been doing the nod for years, it is very efficient.
The more male I'm read the easier it is for me to communicate. The way I communicate is more male than female and I have far less friction when read as male.

I have a mentor that has discussed this specifically. The way I move and walk, sit, stand etc is all typical of men. I have always spread the legs. Kept being called out for it when I was younger.

In fact he believes my social interaction will improve significantly when I start to be consistently read as male because people will be able to accept it from a man whereas they cannot accept some of it from a woman.

[transspoonie]

I don't have any tips or tricks to add here, but all of this is fascinating to me. Most of the men I'm close to are part of the LGBT community, or are allies who enjoy LGBT spaces because they let them "let (their) guard down." There's not a lot of focus on masculine stereotypes or "passing" around my friends, either.

At the same time, I definitely catch myself smiling instead of nodding, or doing both, and have gotten weird stares from other men for it. For example, I nearly opened the men's room door into a guy washing his hands, and he apologized for being in my way. I reflexively smiled and said it was fine, and as short as that exchange was, I can't help but feel he was a bit weirded out about it.

Sometimes I worry my gender-nonconformity will get me in trouble with other men, but I'm already autistic, flamboyant, and half-Italian (all the hand gestures while talking, and my German side isn't much better). I don't think trying to be anyone but myself is going to help me, anyway. I already don't fit in, in one way or another, so why stress out about it? I'm disabled, and my spouse goes with me almost everywhere because of it—no amount of sports knowledge will keep me safer than their several years of boxing.

I have mad respect for my trans siblings who can comfortably change their behavior to pass better, feel safer, and improve their social lives (as quite frankly, I mentally can't). I'm kind of stuck in the middle, waffling between female socialization, masculine mirroring, and whatever weird stuff my autism throws in. I used to try really, really hard to fit the stereotypes, but I just don't have the energy to be anyone but me anymore. It's liberating and terrifying at the same time.

- Alexander

[Maid Marion]

Life is a long journey.  I think if you just do a little at a time, at your pace, you will be fine in social transitioning.

If you watch TV you may be able to practice during commercials, for instance.