Twoman44 - I was very interested to read your description of your husband's feelings as they seem very similar to mine. I'm no expert on this matter but I'll try to give you an independent insight which, hopefully, will help you to better understand your husband's situation.
Firstly, it's important to remember that this is far more difficult for men than it is for women. A woman who is, for want of a better description, 'T-curious' can easily put on a pair of trousers, shirt, flat shoes and tie her hair back and no-one is any the wiser. On the other hand, a T-curious man doing similar is immediately branded as a crossdresser/ transvestite, '>-bleeped-<' or pervert depending on how tolerant people aware of this are. Also, whereas a man whose wife starts wearing more male orientated clothes will usually dismiss it as 'she's given up on herself' or similar, a woman discovering that her husband likes to wear bras or high heels will look far deeper for answers as you are doing. As a result, many men in this situation have to carry the burden of their secret and indulge in furtive dressing sessions when the rest of the family are out. The logistics of this, combined with the constant fear of being discovered, does not make life easy!
Secondly, there are a few common misconceptions about transgenderism and clarity is often needed:
- wishing you'd been born female is not the same as wanting to become female
- being envious of women's lifestyle is not the same as wanting to live that life permanently
- being female is not just wearing heels, lingerie and looking gorgeous!
- being a crossdresser does not automatically mean that you want to be a full time female
- being transgender (in whatever form it takes) is not usually a perversion but a reflection of an anomaly in the brain during foetal development
I would also mention in passing that, for those of us trying to live our life with transgender feelings, the internet has been our greatest friend and our biggest eneny - communities such as this are a wonderful source of support and reassurance that we are not alone with our feelings (in particular, I have learned so much about myself through participation) but I also find that seeing and reading about some of the more spectacular transitions often triggers my own dysphoria and, in many ways, I found it far easier to live with before the days of the internet (I am in my 50s)
The fact that your husband has been so open and detailed with his description of how he feels indicates that he is almost certainly not a pathalogical liar and what he says about his intentions are true. He will almost certainly have some days where he feels that gender transition is the only solution for him but many others where, as he has stated, he is perfectly happy being male. He has said that he doesn't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body and I think you can draw a lot of reassurance from this.
I think you are right in encouraging him to seek therapy but, equally, the fact that he is rejecting the idea may well be an indication that he is trying to get things under control himself. From your point of view, I think your best strategy is to encourage him to be honest about his feelings and tolerant of his activities as far as you can. There may come a point where his feelings and intentions intesify to the point where you feel they are incompatible with continuation of the marriage but, for the time being, as long as he's being a dutiful husband and not harbouring secrets, then you're a very lucky lady.
