Making it work in current town vs. starting new life in new town

[sarahc]

One of my big decisions coming up in my transition is deciding whether to try to make things work in my town vs. simply moving to set up a new life in a different town. My situation is that I am heavily involved in a number of communities in my (cliquish) town: serving actively in my church, serving as a director on several prominent boards, and being active in a number of social groups.

While undoubtedly there will be many supporters, there are also going to be a lot of naysayers who won't want me to continue to be active in the community going forward. As an example, I am on the board of a school and my fear is that my continued presence on the board would cause a lot of strive and would not be in the interest of the school. Another example is my church where I'm pretty sure the priests and most of the overseers would be very supportive but my presence would cause a lot of disgruntlement among the congregation.

Even if I ceased involvement in all these organizations I know so many people in my town, and my presence could be a sore spot for everyone.

So I have come to the conclusion that, somewhat ironically, because of how socially successful I am currently in my town, it's impossible to transition in my town because I won't have any ability to continue to be active socially in my town. And therefore moving might be the best option, even though building a social network in a new town is not something I would look forward to.

I'd be interested to hear from others who had a wide social network and heavy community involvement how they managed their transition and what led them to stay vs. move.

[Denise]

My situation was different but the town I was in is very suburban let's say.  When the divorce was all but final I left town and moved to the city (Chicago). 

I've gone back a number of times and each time I become more aware just how sheltered/in-a-bubble the town is. I'm sorry I left the people I knew/know there. But in the end I needed to grow beyond the borders of the small town (30,000 people)

I'm not suggesting you stay or leave.  Look around and see if the community you're in will grow with you.

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[sarahc]

Denise,

Your situation is the same as mine, a sheltered bubble suburban community.

Did you unilaterally decide that staying in your town just wasn't going to work and so you simply quietly left, or did you test the waters and come out to some people to see if staying was a possibility?

[RobynD]

I remained in the same city of about 50K people, the smallest city I have lived in my life.  Socially, I just resolved to be as straightforward as possible, but still came out rather organically. I am active in several circles including the business community and charities. (but not much in the city government or education)

Some friends I lost, but I gained more. I not saying I will never move, but I am happy I stayed thus far.

[KathyLauren]

This is a YMMV thing.  It depends a lot where you live.  Obviously, you know your community better than I do.

I live in a small village of maybe 300 people, including the surrounding farms.  I had community connections in a nearby university town, population about 4,000, and in the city, population about 400,000.

I came out to the community association in the village in person, by standing up at the weekly coffee group and making the announcement.  I had some odd looks, but everyone has been either supportive or accepting.

I came out to the local (village) fire department, where I am a volunteer, by phone to the chief (so he wouldn't be surprised by gossip after I came out to the community association), then by standing up at the monthly meeting and making the announcement.  Again, no problem.

I am a member of a concert band in the nearby town.  I came out to them by email to the group mailing list, basically saying that by the next practise, I would be Kathy.  I had lots of support, both by email to my announcement, and in person at the next practise.

I am also a member of an astronomy society in the city.  Like the band, I came out to them by email to the group list.  And, like the band, I had a lot (and I mean a lot!) of support.  I did a Powerpoint presentation to them on telescope selection a few months later, and it was a great confidence-builder.

Since coming out, I have gotten involved with a community theatre group in another small town, population 6,000.  The people there have only ever known me as Kathy.  Theatre people tend to be very LGBT-friendly, and I have had no problems there at all.  I am now in demand as a sound-and-light tech.

So, although my wife and I had made a rough bail-out plan in case my coming-out went badly in the village, we didn't have to use it.  That plan would have involved moving to the university town, where we didn't know a lot of people, but knew we would be accepted.

I know I am lucky to live where I do.  It doesn't go that well in most places.  And, this being Thanksgiving Day in Canada, let it be known that I am truly thankful for where I live, and whom I live with.

Like I said, YMMV.  You have to make your best guess based on people's attitudes where you live.

[Denise]

Denise,

Your situation is the same as mine, a sheltered bubble suburban community.

Did you unilaterally decide that staying in your town just wasn't going to work and so you simply quietly left, or did you test the waters and come out to some people to see if staying was a possibility?

Everyone knew before I left.  Everyone I was "friends" with actually turned out that I was the +1 of my ex.

I moved into Chicago from a very sheltered very small city in Indiana.  I could never move back there but I visit all the time.  My ex lives there and we're on good terms so I visit occasionally.

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[Donica]

Hi Sarah. I have been full time in place since July of this year. As Kathy stated, YMMV is very true. It all depends on the people in the town or city you live in. I am lucky to live in one of the safest cities in the US, but not with out a little, and I will add, very little opposition. For the most part, I was very surprised how many were very supportive and excepting. I do get a few looks around town but as yet, no negative comments from anyone except the loss one long time friend (who's views were 180 degrees from mine and most peoples anyways) and two of my neighbors in the same apartment building that are at least still on speaking term.

Everyone at work were very supportive. I am a part timer but sometimes still have to meat with customers from time to time. I try to stay in the shadows in that respect because even though they can't discriminate, they don't have to give us their business either.

My bottom line, I love it here and so far have no reason to leave other than the expense. It sound like you really like where you live and enjoy all the activities that you participate in too. I might suggest that you test the waters first before pulling up roots and give all that up. You may be surprised to find that people are much more educated and excepting these days. Then if all fails, you will know that moving will be in your best interest.

One other point to consisted would be to stay in place as long as you can while you transition to make it easier to move to a new town/city as the new you. In any case, I would love to hear an update from you on what decision you make.

Hope this helps.
Donica.

[sarahc]

Thanks for the support, everyone.

I need another few weeks to figure out the gameplan. I need to get through the discussion with my therapist, talk to a close friend from my home who no longer lives here and come out to my mom, whose perspective I need to make a decision because the level of her support will likely affect my ability to stay in town. She is very tied into the community as well, and if I come out broadly and things flop, it's likely to affect my mom's well-being and social standing. So I really need to gauge her level of support. I wish I could test the waters with a few people here, but realistically the news would spread like wildfire and I won't be able to control the narrative.

Grrr...I wish this wasn't so hard.

[Complete]

It really doesn't need to be so hard. All you have to do is understand the differences. If you are happy to be known as the local transgender, or the person who changed genders, or what ever interpretation your neighbors, friends, co-workers,etc might have for your actions, and all the unknowns that go with that scenario,  or....
Are you willing to go all in and go for being who you really are. Trust me, your Mom will understand and respect you for standing up for yourself.
Understand. You will be moving away from and outside your "safe space". You will be in totally unexplored territory. Hopfully you had a look around during your RLE. The payoff, if you succeed, will be a chance,  just a chance, (not a guarantee), at a real life as the woman you believe yourself to be.

[sarahc]

It really doesn't need to be so hard. All you have to do is understand the differences. If you are happy to be known as the local transgender, or the person who changed genders, or what ever interpretation your neighbors, friends, co-workers,etc might have for your actions, and all the unknowns that go with that scenario,  or....
Are you willing to go all in and go for being who you really are. Trust me, your Mom will understand and respect you for standing up for yourself.
Understand. You will be moving away from and outside your "safe space". You will be in totally unexplored territory. Hopfully you had a look around during your RLE. The payoff, if you succeed, will be a chance,  just a chance, (not a guarantee), at a real life as the woman you believe yourself to be.

Yeah, I agree...it's just really hard to lose so many relationships, and that's probably what I have to come to terms with.