I am having a really hard time coming out

[JannaLM]

Hi.

This is my first time posting here and I am just super nervous, but I have been hopping on and off of this website for almost a year and a half now, and I think it is time for me to say something.

I am pretty sure I am transgender, but I have always been a really analytical person, so I have been trying time and again to disprove that I am transgender and I absolutely can't, but I still have a voice in my head that says 'Well maybe one day you will disprove this'.

So I tried a bunch of 'Are you Transgender?' online tests and whatnot, and all of them returned 'You most likely are' or some of those 'do you have a male or female brain?' and all of those said 'female' or 'mixed' but none have told me I am significantly more masculine.

Overall though, I don't think I ever will disprove this feeling because... It just feels right to me. I think I should have been born a girl.

When I was little, I always enjoyed playing with stereo-typically girly toys like barbie dolls and dress up sets. That isn't to say I didn't like Legos (because I loved legos) but as for other, more 'boyish' toys and activities, I just really didn't care. I preferred playing pretend tea parties and dress up with my sister and our childhood friend.

I've also felt like I have never worn clothes that were comfortable and... I guess 'right' feeling? Like, boy clothes just always felt wrong on me for some reason and I have always covered myself up more than I should, almost as if I was just trying to hide my body from the world. Though I am a little ashamed to admit it, I sometimes wore my sister's clothing throughout my childhood, and even up until the end of highschool (I once put on her old prom dress. It fit me almost like a glove and I felt so free and liberated for the first time in my life).

I did usually end up having friends that were boys (and I still do have most, if not all of those friends today), but I still feel deep inside myself that I missed something growing up... Because when I was very little, my first choice of friends were girls, who instantly called me weird and creepy and shunned me, which drew me toward the boy side. I felt like I have been living a lie my entire life, because I felt like if I was being myself, no one would want to play with me. And that attitude has carried with me for a long time.

That being said, I am now 23 years old, almost 24, and I have effectively replaced my 'man' underwear drawer with an assortment of cute panties and bras that I wear almost exclusively. I also have a small collection of 'right' feeling clothes, including a few pairs of leggings and skirts that I wear in secret in my apartment when I am alone.

But in public, I still feel like I need to cover myself beyond belief because I feel like there is just too much of me, and that I don't 'fill out' clothes like my brain says I should.

So over the past few years, I have been trying to 'feminize' myself, and I have never been more happy in my life. I still go out in the world disguised as this hideous monster 'man', but I have been en femme in my own little apartment, my sanctuary. I wear women's underwear out in the world, and occasionally women's pants, but I have never had the courage to wear what I really want to in public: A beautiful dress.

I also have never felt particularly comfortable being called 'sir' or 'mister' or anything else, but a little over a month ago, I was called 'miss' by a fast food worker on my way back to college, and I cried the rest of the drive to school in joy. That guy may never know it, but he made me the happiest person in the world that day. And from that day, I grew even more confident in my identity.

I always feel awkward talking about my 'downstairs' as well, but I have taken a real liking to tucking and making my crotch look as flat as possible. Whenever I have a bulge, I feel gross and disgusting, and like it shouldn't be there.

I've also started shaving my legs and body hair as best as I could over the past two years and it has just felt so right.

Anyway, I'm sorry for hopping around like that, but now to the crux of my issue:

I am having a really hard time telling people about this, especially my parents and close friends.

My mom is a conservative christian who has always referred to me as her 'baby boy' but I have always just wanted to be her 'little girl'. My dad seems much more open to these kinds of things than my mom, but I feel like he has a 'as long as it isn't my kid' complex.

My friends are a mixed bunch as well... They are mostly guys (as I have said previously), and sometimes I feel like it is time to voice how I feel, but then they make some insensitive joke that I fake laugh at and puts me back in the closet.

I have told a few people, like my sister and our childhood best friend, and a couple other friends I know would understand, but the most people I know, I am scared of how they will react.

I really want to take hormones and become more feminine, but I want to talk to a therapist and tell people before I go through with it... I am almost 100% sure of who I am and who I want to be, but almost is not completely.

Overall, I'm just scared that I will be abandoned by everyone I know and that my doctor won't even give me the option to talk to a psychiatrist or something. I'm just a scared girl in a man's body that wants to get out.

Anyway, thank you for reading and I'm sorry I jumped around so much. My nerves are just really getting to me right now.

[Northern Star Girl]

@JannaLM   
Dear Janna:
I see that you are new here and I am most pleased that you have decided to join the site.
Thank you for writing your detailed and interesting first posting.... other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to your concerns and questions.

This is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@JannaLM
Oh, and another thing Janna
Please find your way to the  Introductions Forum and write a much briefer introduction post about yourself so that more members here on the Susan's Place forums will be aware of your arrival.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Janna!

I see that the lovely @Alaskan Danielle has already given you the official welcome, but I would also like to welcome you to Susan's Place.

I really feel your pain.  I wrestled with this for decades until I finally, with the help of this forum, realized that I really was trans.  It still took me months after to come out to anyone because of the fear.

The only way past fear is forwards. 

Definitely talk to a therapist, even if only for your own peace of mind.  You don't need a doctor's referral to talk to a psychologist.  You might need one to see a psychiatrist.  But your doctor has no business refusing to refer you.  Doctors are pretty safe to talk to, because they have heard it all before, and because they are bound by confidentiality.

[Sarah1979]

You sound so much like me lol.  I know it's scary, but what's worse is not being true to yourself, and if you really are trans, the feelings will only get more and more intense.  Talk to a therapist, they will be able to help guide you to what you truly feel inside, and will be able to help you "prove" or "disprove" it to yourself.  But above all, don't let your fear paralyze you.  It is probably the greatest regret that I and many others on this site have about ourselves.

Hugs,

Sarah

[HappyMoni]

You might try an experiment, something that helped me figure things out before I transitioned. Go out of town where no one knows you. Take your sister or a friend if you like. Go out fully dressed. It could be as little as walking on the street somewhere. If you watch how you feel when you are perceived by others as female, it will tell you a lot. I thought I would be totally embarrassed. Instead it was a super high. I knew then that, socially, it was right. Oh, I'm Moni and I'm happy you spoke up. You have nothing to fear and a lot to gain by facing this here, talking it out with people who understand.

[KathyLauren]

Listen to Moni.  She helped me come out, a couple of years ago, and what she said in the above post matches exactly with my esperience.

[JannaLM]

Thank you all so much!

I might try that little experiment you were talking about Moni. I feel like it would really help me out.

Danielle, Sarah and Kathy, thank you so much for the warm welcome. I'm glad I finally got the courage to say SOMETHING on here!

Honestly, your kind words are really making me feel better about this.

Kisses!
-Janna

[NancyBalik]

Janna, I wish that I had known as much about myself at 24 as you do about yourself now. At 24  I was married and had never heard the term transgender. I'm now in my 60's and I understand that gender is on a continuum rather than an absolute. I know that I am not like "most" men—nor are you, and you don't need a test to tell you that. You know it, and I know it about me. I find joy every time I log on this forum and see my avatar picture. That is how I think of myself in my mind's eye even though that is not how I'm able to present to the world every day. I believe that it is often our shame that causes us to suppress and deny (to ourselves) the truth of who we are. I finally believe in my own mind that it is okay for me to be who I am—although many other people (including unfortunately my wife) don't approve or accept it.

From what you describe about how you live, think, and dress in the privacy of your own apartment, you certainly seem to be describing gender dysphoria, or, maybe better put, the joy of being feminine. I'll bet you'll sort it out. I know it's confusing. Give yourself time. Nancy

[HappyMoni]

Listen to Moni.  She helped me come out, a couple of years ago, and what she said in the above post matches exactly with my esperience.

Ahhh, thanks Sweetie, I remember how scared you were. And it turned out very well.

Janna, you can do amazing things if you let yourself. Don't let fear control you. Good luck, Hon! Let us know of your progress.

[sarahc]

I am just starting to transition and have started to come out. Here's what I'm doing for the initial coming out process: I'm picking out the people who are most likely to be supportive and be able keep a secret. This doesn't have to be your best friends or close family members. In fact, it's better if they aren't, since it reduces the risk. So far I've come out to three people.

What that has done is given me additional confidence that I can do this. So start with little steps and just come out to a few people you can trust, then take it from there.

[jkredman]

Janna:

Welcome to Susan's place.

Believe it or not what you describe is not so unusual for someone that is working through Gender Dysphoria.  (Not a diagnosis.  Just an observation from someone who shares similar experiences.)

I felt I was wrong from my earliest memories.  I would play with my sister and her dolls, and dressed in her clothes.  My parent's, trying to encourage me to be more masculine and thought GI Joe dolls would be appropriate for me.  They just competed with Ken for Barbie's attention.

When puberty set in, we went our separate ways.  I guess my femininity, and desire to stay feminine grossed my sister out....  I then started sneaking into my mother's intimates.

With regards to my downstairs; if I lost them to an accident or disease, I long ago decided any reconstructive surgery would be a vaginoplasty & labiaplasty.  (Not so lucky yet..)

My career has been in information technology.  Like you, I can be incredibly logical and analytical.

I wish I knew at your age, what I know now.  I spent 35 years repressing the lady I truly am.  There were multiple reasons.  However, when I think back to when I was your age; if I knew then, what I know now, many life decisions would have been made very differently.

I can't say if you're transgender or not. I support your finding a counselor or thereapist that you can work with, to help you sort through all this. 

If the 2 of you agree that some level of transition is needed, s/he can help you with the conversations that are going to be needed with those close to you.

Abandonment can happen.  I will say those that truly love you, will support and assist you as best they can.  Those that reject you, loved the role you played in their lives.

I wish you good luck and happiness.
Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Avery the Grey]

My friends are a mixed bunch as well... They are mostly guys (as I have said previously), and sometimes I feel like it is time to voice how I feel, but then they make some insensitive joke that I fake laugh at and puts me back in the closet.

I really want to take hormones and become more feminine, but I want to talk to a therapist and tell people before I go through with it...

I understand talking with a therapist, but do you really need to come out to everyone now and do so before hrt? That sounds like a whole lot of stress all at once. I'm 3 months into laser and hrt and none of my family, coworkers, or even real life friends (except for 2) know I'm transitioning. Just relax and explore yourself with one potentially gender affirming step at a time through things like clothes, hair/wigs, possibly piercings, make up, nail polish, jewelry and accessories, various lotions and skin care products, sitting down when you go to the bathroom, etc. Luckily, you are still young, so you have plenty time to figure all this out. Don't let it consume you to the point you forget about work or school though.

I can definitely relate to the joke thing too btw. It's funny how jokes and various trans related remarks and things that were probably long forgotten by everyone else involved are still pretty memorable to me, like tucking somehow coming up in a conversation with friends my freshman year of high school and everyone sorta laughing about it and me just not saying anything and feeling awkward, two of my friends talking about doing certain things with girls sophomore year and I guess me not saying anything causing one of them to question my "maleness" and say that they would kill me if I didn't have a d*ck (since we watched porn together once and I guess me not having one would be awkward for him or possibly some sort of attack on his masculinity? idk, didn't make sense to me anyway), or a couple years ago some trans story being on the news and then my brother making some remark that he would kick my a$$ if I were trans (pretty sure he wouldn't actually, just again this stupid machismo culture and asserting masculinity nonsense).

[JannaLM]

Hello again ladies!

I have made a little bit of progress in the past 24 hours.

After posting this yesterday i mustered up the courage to tell one of my closer friends, and he was really supportive! He also told me that he thinks the rest of our friends would understand, which makes me a little more comfortable.

Sarah and Kate, thank you for sharing. I feel a lot better knowing now that I am not alone!

Avery and Nancy, thank you for hopping over here! I really appreciate your input too!

Not feeling so isolated is really helping me right now!

Kisses!
-Janna

[Anne Blake]

Hello Janna and welcome to this amazing journey.

Yes, you are at a very scary place in your pursuit of who you are. As others have mentioned, talking with a therapist, particularly one experienced with transgender individuals is key. This is not only for helping you find who you are but will be needed if or when you choose to go for hrt or possibly surgery at some later point.

I also suggest finding a support group or perhaps a transgender social group. It is amazing how affirming it is to spend time talking with like hearted folks that you don't have to explain everything to them. Such support groups can be found with google searches and finding one in a college community may be helpful.

Good luck and please keep us updated on your progress,

Tia Anne

[Danni98]

I feel your pain. I recently came out to my regular Dr. In retrospect I now feel stupid for being so nervous, he never made a face, changed his tone or anything else, and seemed quite interested. The only thing he had to say negative was "really you couldn't find anyplace closer then Chicago?" 600 mile round trip. And I really understand you on the parents. My dad is a pretty religious conservative, he used to sit around all day watching fox news and calling all the liberals, homosexual and transgendered slurs. I was most scared to tell him, but thankfully Walgreens outed me and it was a huge relief that I didn't have to do it. I thought he gonna say he never wanted to see me again but man was I wrong, now he's paying for my ffs and he yells at me and my son for using all the standard lgbt slurs at each other. I also made sure this was what I really wanted before coming out, once I made that decision I just went out had ohhh about 20 drinks, came home posted it on facebook and went to sleep. lost one friend but he was kinda a pri.... anyway. Looking back on my coming out experiences I feel that for the most part we care more then the people we come out to. I mean ya my friends gave me a little crap but that's them, I would have suspected something if they didn't. But they were still there. There is no shame in talking to your Dr. or a therapist, worst case scenario you get a new Dr. or therapist. But you will likely feel so much better. I can't comment on the rest that is a personal journey you have to take for yourself.

[Danielle Kristina]

Hi Janna,
I certainly understand your fear.  You have actually come out to more people than I have, so I applaud you for that.  That takes some serious bravery!  I have only come out to one person and that was to another transwoman.  I told her in a text, because I was with her all day but could not muster the courage to tell her, but once I got home I sent her the text.  I couldn't even come out as trans to someone who is trans herself!  I am still working up the courage to come out to family and friends.  My therapist is helping me overcome that fear to come out to my mom, as she will be the hardest to face; I have a transgender sister, so I know what to expect in the case of coming out to my family.  I know that my mom will be confused, shocked, and perhaps even saddened to find that she not only has one daughter, but two! 
If you don't have a gender therapist, then I strongly suggest talking to one.  I am not very far along in my transition, but I know that without my therapist I would not be as far along as I am.

Hugs!!


Danielle