Stealth Expressions of Femininity in DADT House

[NancyBalik]

Since I am in a DADT relationship (that I've written about elsewhere and could be the content of an entirely separate thread), often my gender expression is confined to things that I do that help me feel balanced without overtly ruffling my wife's feathers. Of course she knows that I underdress because we share laundry duties and she sees me dressing and undressing (but it's never spoken about any more as weird as that is). I do read fashion articles online, do "online window shopping," sit to pee when I can, find support by logging on to this and another forum, and use what women's bath products I can get away with. I'm continually walking a line between "taking care of" (is there a better way to put it?) my dysphoria and keeping the peace in the house. Any others in similar situation? Other ideas for stealth feminine expression? Nancy

[Carolina]

Hi Nancy,

  Our lives do seem to have some similarities.  Of course my DADT is a bit more DT than your's, so it goes.

  I am fortunate in being (at least semi) retired while my wife continues to work part time.  So I have those hours available (although mere hours are limiting should one desire makeup, polish and a hairdo).

  I am also fortunate in having a certain amount of business travel for a night or two or three every few months.  That provides more opportunity.

  And I've mentioned (in another thread, "Bikini Swim") of having a boat on a mostly unused lake.  I can "go fishing" and take clothes with me (at least in warm weather).

  But still, lack of opportunity is an issue.

  As well as Socialization as a woman.  Both with other women and (gulp) men.  That is why I find myself at Susan's.  It gets lonely living in a closet.


  While here, I became interested in the (significant others) thread "Help me understand" started by a wife whose husband told her about his need to transform.  Quite a bit of comment from the members who had informed their wives.  And the Significant Others Talk thread looks quite interesting in terms of understand a wife's reaction and processing.  I think I will be doing some reading there, although I don't think I will be telling my wife.

  So take care, dear, and think about how you can create pieces of time where you are on your own.  Professional conferences maybe?  Travel to sporting events maybe?  Volunteering to assist in places away from home maybe? 

     Love,  Carolina

     

     

[Rayna]

I feel your pain. I'm in more of a "warn me in advance and let me decide if I want to be away when you dress" relationship. It is acknowledged, and my wife understands that I have needs. But I traumatized her a few times by presenting in a femme blouse without warning. So she's nervous that I'll "break" like that again, and wants me to find outlets -- sorta on my own.

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

[Gabrielle66]

I can also sympathize with you as well Nancy. I have only barely dipped my toe into cross dressing with panties and I'm already feeling that pressure from my wife. She doesn't really want to see me wear them or anything else feminine. She also was adamant about me washing them. She generally does all of the laundry. I wish I had some great suggestions for you Nancy. I believe every idea I have would just be obvious common sense stuff. I'm starting to believe it just isn't worth the personal suffering to avoid obvious steps in transition. I hate knowing that I'm a woman inside but have no way to allow that woman to grow. Maybe the answer is not to be stealth. Maybe Nancy should be able to shine in all of her glory. Is it really fair to ask you to suffer your dysphoria because she doesn't want to be embarrassed or ashamed? Your pain can't fade on it's own but her shame or embarrassment can and will. That's just one possible future to persue. I wish you the very best in everything you do. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Virginia]

I live with a very different side of the coin-
My female alter is fine with not wearing her clothes, makeup, using her voice or doing anything to express her femininity around my wife. She doesn't need any of that to be herself. But none of those things are the source of my wife's struggle.
-It's knowing she is talking to my female alter and not her husband by the way I think, the words I use, my body language and mannerisms- things I am completely unaware I am doing, let alone able to control.
-It's not knowing which of the five people in my head she is having a conversation with at any given time; how long it is going to be until someone else takes over who won't have a clue about anything they were talking about and will have a completely different perspective after she repeats everything she said a few moments before to another part of my mind.
-It's accepting that the man she loves is only one fifth of the person I am now and living with a teenage girl and an 8 year old boy who see her as their girlfriend and  Mommy.
-It's worrying if her engineer husband who she used to be able to count on to protect and take care of her will electrocute himself because something triggered his 8 year old alter to take over while he was working on the fuse box. Or kills them both if he takes over while her husband is driving.
-It's watching the person she loves most in the world forget where he is or what day it is, curl up like a small animal shrieking at the top of his lungs during a flashback, and tears roll down his cheeks as he screams for help night after night in his nightmares.
-It's knowing the horrible things that happened to me as a child to make me this way, how hard I am working in therapy, that it is not only impossible for me to let go and move on, but that I cannot stop myself from pushing and belittling myself to reinforce the warped sense of self instilled in me by his parents.
-It's living with the reality that her husband believes he is a woman- TWO days a week. Even harder that in almost ten years, when his female alter is out and about living her life, NO ONE EVEN QUESTIONS IT.
-It's living in constant fear that my female alter may get tired of putting up with her and decide to leave. Of the danger I faces as a woman every time my female alter walks out the door. Of someone finding out she is a man...And the devastating impact of someone shattering my female's alters delusions that she is a girl would have on my mind.
-It's living with a husband who has never having been able to have intercourse because of his childhood sexual abuse. the complete lack of the tender touch of physical intimacy out of fear it will trigger a flashback for one of his young alters. That somehow my mind decided chemically castrating itself with estrogen was the only way my child alters can feel safe knowing I can never have children of my own or do the things my parents did to me to anyone. That my mind refuses to let me remember the life we shared for 15 years before my breakdown. And that the love the one fifth of me that IS her husband isn't strong enough to do whatever it takes to fight to keep her.

My female alter doesn't wear her clothes, makeup, using her voice or doing anything to express her femininity around my wife. But none of that is the source of my wife's struggle the last ten years.  I don't blame her for wanting to end our marriage. How much of this should anyone expect their wife to take.

[RetroTS]

Since I am in a DADT relationship (that I've written about elsewhere and could be the content of an entirely separate thread), often my gender expression is confined to things that I do that help me feel balanced without overtly ruffling my wife's feathers. Of course she knows that I underdress because we share laundry duties and she sees me dressing and undressing (but it's never spoken about any more as weird as that is). I do read fashion articles online, do "online window shopping," sit to pee when I can, find support by logging on to this and another forum, and use what women's bath products I can get away with. I'm continually walking a line between "taking care of" (is there a better way to put it?) my dysphoria and keeping the peace in the house. Any others in similar situation? Other ideas for stealth feminine expression? Nancy

Surprisingly,  femme shoes. When I was in that situation the only stealth thing I could get away with footwear. You can find some seriously cute women's sandals that easily pass for men's. Women's athletic shoes and clogs work well for the colder months.

That's what worked for me.

[NancyBalik]

Thanks for the responses. Appreciate the support! Gabrielle, seems like you are more on the newer side of this, true? I feel the anger you feel for me (and perhaps for yourself as well?). I will say, though, that in this long-term marriage, I have moved beyond wishing for and certainly demanding, that she would change. She is no more likely to than I am likely to wake up one morning and all dysphoria yearnings are gone forever. We've reached this stalemate over many years together and share many aspects of our marriage peaceably, enjoying multiple activities together.  However, every time I push the crossdressing envelope too far into her space, our relationship suffers and, I turn, we both suffer. I seek more ways to indulge Nancy without upsetting the delicate balance between us.

VA—Your situation is so unique (and so different than mine) I can do my best to empathize, but I know I'll never know how awful it must be for the two of you to deal with such a serious and unpredictable mental illness on a daily basis. Our experience of the world, as a result, is inextricably different. Must be so hard...

Retro, Hmmm. Let me consider that. Since I'm a big gal—over 6 ft, shoes are a challenge because I wear women's 13 or 14. But I will keep my eyes open. I like the idea!

Thanks all! Maybe I should start a thread: Living in a DADT house? Nancy

[RetroTS]

for extended sizes, check out Long Tall Sally. they have a lot of trendy stuff that goes up to size 15

[Virginia]

Maybe I should start a thread: Living in a DADT house?

Or perhaps a Thought Experiment:
How would a transgender person survive if they were stranded on an island for the rest of their life? Without the convenience of clothes, makeup, hormones, surgeries or any of society's gender window dressings? If they had to dig deep into themself to discover the essence of what means to be a man or a woman...And find a way to express their identity to the world?

[Gabrielle66]

Thanks for the responses. Appreciate the support! Gabrielle, seems like you are more on the newer side of this, true? I feel the anger you feel for me (and perhaps for yourself as well?). I will say, though, that in this long-term marriage, I have moved beyond wishing for and certainly demanding, that she would change. She is no more likely to than I am likely to wake up one morning and all dysphoria yearnings are gone forever. We've reached this stalemate over many years together and share many aspects of our marriage peaceably, enjoying multiple activities together.  However, every time I push the crossdressing envelope too far into her space, our relationship suffers and, I turn, we both suffer. I seek more ways to indulge Nancy without upsetting the delicate balance between us.

VA—Your situation is so unique (and so different than mine) I can do my best to empathize, but I know I'll never know how awful it must be for the two of you to deal with such a serious and unpredictable mental illness on a daily basis. Our experience of the world, as a result, is inextricably different. Must be so hard...

Retro, Hmmm. Let me consider that. Since I'm a big gal—over 6 ft, shoes are a challenge because I wear women's 13 or 14. But I will keep my eyes open. I like the idea!

Thanks all! Maybe I should start a thread: Living in a DADT house? Nancy

Nancy,

I want to apologize for the anger I projected in my earlier reply to your post. After reading your reply I realized that you were correct. This was more a reflection of my frustration with society in general. I hope that I didn't insult you or your wife with my comments. I do hope that you find more ways to express yourself in meaningful ways as the feminine person that you are. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Michelle_P]

I was in a DADT sort of relationship for a while.  A typical wardrobe...

Jockey Elance briefs
White or black tank top
Gloria Vanderbilt "Amanda" jeans (size 6, slightly loose on me)
Pullover or T-shirt (womens medium-large)
Black sneakers (Target Merano womens size 9)

No questions or raised eyebrows...

[Virginia]

Jockey Elance briefs

My Father always wore the Jockey Elance bikinis and turned me onto them. I like the support of  tight fitting underwear, but I have a bad back and can't stand the wife elastic band they put on briefs. Jockey also makes a cheaper lines of bikinis they sell in Walmart- pack of 3 for $10.