Madison's Transition

[Linde]

Most support groups I've ever been to don't care how you dress or present.  During check in at the beginning of the meeting you give your preferred name and pronouns and other people use them.  As far as having attention on you, that depends on the group.  But most groups let you share as much or as little as you want.

That is the same experience I have with our group!  It is a nice, safe environment!

[MeTony]

Madison, I recognize myself in your post. I *decided* I want to live. It was scary. But after my journey at the psych ward I decided suicide was not my path.

It was soothing to know I am in control. It was my decision to live. But living is not easy. With my medication I lost my social abilities. And I have suffered from anhedonia for many years. I had to relearn how to do small talk for example. Everything was dull. But I did not give up. I started doing things I know I like. It was scary. But I did anyway.

I became a scout leader. We have meetings every week. I've been there over 5 years. 

Last summer I started feeling small jolts of joy. I appreciate small things, like sunrise. And living in the present. See and feel my surroundings. It's like mindfulness but you connect to your surroundings. Trees, grass, flowers, animals... it was 7 years of anhedonia that lost its grip of me.

In my youth I had the same thoughts as you. I could not see the future. There was nothing for me. But there is something for me. And there is something for you. You have one life, be brave, aim for your dreams! Everyone has dreams. Painter? Teacher? Artist? Mechanic? What do you want to do? I was 30 when I decided to stop drinking, escaping, to be a coward and to make something out of my life.

I have a friend with schizophrenia, she do also see hope in the future. She wants to be independent and work. She is aiming for her goals. I'm not pushing her to do that, but I'm there for her when times are tough. She can't do work like me, but what fits her life.

We all have our challenges. But there is nothing that is impossible or too bad to overcome or change. People change, age changes us.

Depression is a real thing. If you are depressed, don't hesitate to contact a therapist and doctor. Medication help some people, but walks in nature help all people. Start walking!


Tony

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Madison

Whereas this is obviously a very serious subject - personally I have been depressed to varying degrees most of my life - I am relieved to see you described yourself as feeling better middle of the thread compared to the beginning.

All I can add to the many helpful responses is that HRT which you intend to start soon, should improve your state of mind and give you some peace. A good therapist, if necessary after finding a different one, should also help.

I hope your improvement continues and that you find some resolution shortly.

Hugs

Pamela

[Sabrina Rei]

I think you need to find your tribe. The people who get you and get where you've been. Some of my friends found that through Rocky Horror, some through MMORPGs and some through sports. You've been standing still so long you've forgotten what it feels like to have the wind through your hair. You are not alone. There are SO many people going through what you are right now, Madison. You've let the negative self image you've fostered forecast who you will be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now and the truth is, it's a lie. You will be confident, successful, loved, and all of this will seem like a bad dream but not if you let fear of the unknown lock you down. Discover your passion, Madison. Find people who are passionate about the same things. As an individual it's easy to lose sight of your worth but in a group, you often realize what role you fill in other people's lives and that's what belonging is.

So, tell me here. What are your passions?

[Alice (nym)]

Count through the posts... people care about you. The world would be a much sadder place with out you in it. There have been times when I've wanted to end it all but I realised that people in the most unlikely of places... complete strangers, care about me. Just like the people on here care about you.

But as already said, you need to meet real people. I went to my first meet last week and I was scared. I very nearly turned around and came home. But I needed help and went through the door. I found a room full of people just like us. It was liberating. I went thinking I might be the only person there who felt this way and that the others would be drag queens and ->-bleeped-<-s... but everyone there was transitioning or had already transitioned. I left on a high and feeling free and elated. I went again last night and it was just as good. I am starting to open up more to other people there. This time, we had to wait outside in a small group waiting to be let in and after we walked into town together as a group. I am not out but I felt comfortable and happy.

So I strongly recommend finding a local trans group that you can visit and talk to people just like ourselves. It is completely different to chatting to people online. I get wonderful support on here and 2 ladies I talk to every night via Skype. But it is not the same as meeting people in real life. Suddenly everything becomes real. There is human interaction. And everything seems possible and no longer just a fantasy and dream. It is very surreal the first time you go and you will likely be shy and nervous but there tends to always be someone willing to talk to you and invite you to join the group and make you feel special/one of them.

Also you don't have to go dressed. You can go any way you like. They usually have somewhere for you to change if you wish. The first time I went I was 100% guy mode. Last night I went and I went androgynous... all my clothes were women's clothing but they were styles that only hinted at feminine... something that a man could probably get away with wearing. That felt liberating too. To walk right across town in women's clothes and nobody batting an eyelid. Sure, they could've been male clothing but I knew and that's what counts when it comes to building confidence and breaking free of the embarrassment and shame and fear.

So please go and visit a local trans group and meet real people who get you. People who understand you. People who won't judge you and make you feel special and belonged.

Keep us informed of how it goes... we expect a report (a bit of incentive for you to go and not back out).

If you need to someone to chat to... then please just pm me and we can have a private chat. Us girls have got to stick together.

But you get to your local group girl... you will find it liberating.

love
Alice

[DawnOday]

But as already said, you need to meet real people. I went to my first meet last week and I was scared. I very nearly turned around and came home. But I needed help and went through the door. I found a room full of people just like us. It was liberating. I went thinking I might be the only person there who felt this way and that the others would be drag queens and ->-bleeped-<-s... but everyone there was transitioning or had already transitioned. I left on a high and feeling free and elated. I went again last night and it was just as good. I am starting to open up more to other people there. This time, we had to wait outside in a small group waiting to be let in and after we walked into town together as a group. I am not out but I felt comfortable and happy.


Exactly the experience I had. Right down to the drag queens and ->-bleeped-<-s, And when Evie reached out and gave me a hug. I knew. I had met the people that were going to help make me whole. It's been almost two years and each visit brings more joy as I find out just how much we have in common. It's been a long time since I was able to relate to people, if ever,

[Madison2002]

Thanks everyone. I'm curious how people are saying that estrogen helps with depression? I'm on a lowdose now for a month and a half and I really want to move up to an effective dose, but my endo is making me wait til January to have it increased. My morning erections have returned today and now I'm convinced that it might not be doing anything at all. I know there's a nurse practitioner near here who specializes in HRT for trans girls, should I move to her instead? Or just wait it out?

[Jin]

Never give up!

[Alice V]

@Madison2002 Nurse and endo usually have a big difference in their education levels. If you have possibility stick with endo.

[Allison S]

I've seen a family doctor, endocronolgist and now nurse practioner. I've been on hrt for a year, but with this new NP for a few short weeks. Honestly, as long as I get the right dosages, and my levels are in female range, and all my results are normal, then I'm satisfied.
I do know that the NP is supervised by a "medical doctor" since they sign letters to make sure everything is official and I don't run into any unforseen problems.

But then again you have to do what's for you and only you can decide that.

Also to respond to your original topic (I know I'm late...), I wanted to say that I don't think suicide is "inevitable". Is it a possibility? Sure. But we know death is inevitable and that no matter who you are or what you do, we all die regardless.
I've accepted that I need to make as many mistakes as possible and see how I can manage. One thing you don't want to go back on, is your principles. And that's from someone who's had to re-evalute things many times...

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[pamelatransuk]

Thanks everyone. I'm curious how people are saying that estrogen helps with depression? I'm on a lowdose now for a month and a half and I really want to move up to an effective dose, but my endo is making me wait til January to have it increased.

HRT gave me emotional benefits early on aswell as the first signs of physical benefit. I felt a sense of peace. Depression was and is still apparent but less intense. After 3 months I knew I was on the "right fuel" and hence my advice on timing is to wait the three months.

Good luck on feeling the benefit yourself soon.

Hugs

Pamela

[Madison2002]

This thread is an interesting time capsule for me to look at. I had no idea just how bad I had it back then, and how strong I was to endure that-- it's fascinating what we take for granted.

As an update, Estrogen hit hard a few days ago and completely changed my perception on the world. I feel like I woke up from a ~10 year coma. It really is a miracle drug like everyone had said.

[pamelatransuk]

That is wonderful news, Madison. I am truly delighted and so happy for you!

Just to clarify are you still to see your Endo later in January or have you already done so and the decision has been taken to increase the Estradiol please?

Hugs

Pamela

[Maid Marion]

Congratulations Madison on hanging in there and finding something that works!

[JMJW]

I've always said I'm going to kill myself before I turn 30. By that time, I feel like life will have passed me by and nothing fun or interesting happens after that point anyway. I've never had any goals in life, aside from wanting to be pretty, and attractive to others. I feel like my sexual market value will be depleted by then, even if I can passably transition.

30 years old is still very young.
Alas other interests can branch out from one. Your desre to look pretty could eventually turn into a desire to make others look pretty with the skills you've learned. It is very satisfying to do make up/hair for another and get praise back from it. 

[Madison2002]

Objectively, I think my last post was the result of dropping out of school/society and adopting apathy towards my sense of self. My estrogen and testosterone haven't actually been touched yet, as related by my endo. He's since quadrupled my estrogen intake, though he can't do much with spiro since I have a pituitary tumor.

I rejoined college this semester, though being back around people is even more draining than before. It sucks to have to dissociate again. One spell of dissociation was so strong that I couldn't even remember my family members-- I thought they were holding me hostage and I panicked and emailed my doctor. But yeah, I'm back in a dark place, so this is me venting.

[Swanson777]

I'm not gonna come on here and give you some high-handed inspiration and flowery hopeful words, or precious advice about therapy, support groups, finding passions, etc. because I am just like you but that kind of feedback doesn't help me because it is not relatable. I actually find it aggravating which is why I stopped going to AA.
I feel better being dark, authentic, and just sit here in the same boat as you.
Deep down what's always bothered me is extreme sexual frustration and loneliness. I've gotten sober, gotten really strong and athletic but nothing cured the frustration especially when I would see so many scantily-clad women around me flaunting their curves and not being able to do anything about it. Eventually I arrived at the point of complete emasculation, and embraced it.
Now my life is in complete meltdown with lots of debt piling up and no motivation to find a job at all, and I do feel like I'm circling the drain and headed towards suicide, so I'm dealing with it by spending money insanely on drugs and distractions and anything that gives me a temporary uplift to "make the most of my life" as I'm quickly burning down. I've been locked into this mentality for a while now, which has made me shameless about crossdressing. In fact I am dreaming of transition as a way to erase myself and be reborn as someone new but I don't think its possible, suicide is a lot more likely than pulling a permanent successful sex change and living life as a beautiful female, I don't see it happening, so unrealistic. So I go on living in this isolated dream fantasy. I'm an alcoholic but I'm also a health freak so in order to cope, I exercise a lot, eat really well and spend time admiring myself in the mirror. 

[Janes Groove]

I actually find it aggravating which is why I stopped going to AA.
I feel better being dark, authentic, and just sit here in the same boat as you.


I'm dealing with it by spending money insanely on drugs

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  IMO you need to get to a meeting.

[Sophiaprincess2019]

Madison, you asked:

" What do people see here that makes them want to stick around? "

What I SAW (past tense) was hurt, fear, anxiety, being put down, let down, kicked, stabbed, left out out in the cold. My "previous" life was a place I wanted nothing to do with. Like other trans sisters here, back in the 1980's-1990's transitioning was something only rich people could attempt, often with inferior results. Today much less money is required and better results attained.

Today, what do I SEE (present tense)... I see a new life, new tomorrows. I get to smell a rose in a pretty dress in sunshine...for the 1st time in my life. I get to pick my friends, boyfriends and future husband. I get to have coffee with my girlfriends and talk about our lives....for the first time in my life. I get the opportunity to be looked at by some incredibly good looking man, knowing he wants my number (and I just might give him a chance to make a great 1st impression).... I get to paint my toenails while watching tv with my hair in a towel while I can smell the fragrance of my conditioner...for the 1st time in my life as a woman....

all these things I get to experience because I've found life as a woman is a BILLION times better than being remembered. I cry tears of happiness not tears of sorrow. I hope you can find this kind of happiness.

I'd love to show you how.

Sophia

[Swanson777]

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  IMO you need to get to a meeting.

Aw why. That's not nice.
Why is that I come here looking for people to relate to, and all I get is precious advice?
Anyways, I'll upload some pictures soon, might not show my face quite yet. But I do want to share my physical appearance with the world. I've been hidden and locked away for so long!