Hello

[Weselan]

Hello everyone.

My name is Bree and my husband is on the MTF transition journey. He is still using male pronouns (hasn't picked a female name as yet, and at the moment is happy for others to refer to him as he/him).

A bit of background:

We live in Sydney Australia. I met R when I was 31 and he was 36 back in 2011. After nearly a year of dating, R came out to me as transgender. I was the 2nd person he had told (1st being his ex). I was surprised, but immediately knew that it didn't change the way you felt. A few months later I proposed, and we got married in 2013.

We both knew that we wanted to have kids and when things weren't happening, got tested, and found R had an extremely low sperm count (R had internet-sourced hormones in the past 10 years prior to meeting me, medicating for 2-3 months at a time, but stopping each time, worrying that it would do something to his fertility). We then went on the emotional and physical rollercoaster that is IVF, and were fortunate to have our daughter, who is currently 3.5years. We tried for a 2nd child, but after numerous IVF cycles, multiple miscarriages, our advancing age, and costs, we decided to stop. This was near the end of last year. Pretty quickly R let me know that he wanted to take hormones again. He sourced some off the Internet and just before New Years, started taking them. He had a referral to an Endocrinologist who specialises in transgendered patients, and since April has been taking prescription HRT.

Due to changes with R's body (breasts becoming more prominent and hair getting longer) we decided to start letting people know over the last 1.5 months.  Both of our families and a few close friends have been extremely supportive.

On the whole I have been coping well, but yesterday all my emotions exploded out, and I started crying. I suppose it is all becoming real now, and it's the unknown that has me scared/worried. Online resources for people in a similar situation to us is limited, so R pointed me to this forum (he doesn't have a profile, but has read a lot on here).

Anyway, that's my story in a nutshell 

[Northern Star Girl]

@Weselan
Dear Bree:
    Thank you for writing your first and very interesting posting....  NOW many members here on the forums will be aware of your arrival.  Also be aware that there are many Australians here on the Forums... it won't take long for you to discover them and for them to discover you.

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done regarding your transition journey that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    You can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@Weselan   
Oh, and another thing Bree:
There is a Significant Others  sub Forum here that you may find informational as you start browsing through the various threads there;
                https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,26.0.html

Best wishes to you, and again Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[V M]

Hi Bree 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Moonflower]

Welcome, Bree! Great to have another Significant Other here. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story.

My spouse is also on the MTF transition journey. After around 5 years of marriage, he came out to me around 15 years ago when we were in our mid to late 40s. I was the first person he had told, though he knew his true gender before kindergarten. Like you, it didn't change how I felt about him. As I read stories here at Susans.org (I only recently arrived here) , I discover that I probably recognized him as a woman the moment that I met and fell in love with him. I am also discovering that I am likely a lesbian, which makes this journey a whole lot easier for both of us.

We are looking forward to Wednesday when I will ask my therapist if she knows of any relevant resources for us; and then my spouse is hoping that our primary care physician will be supportive when we have our annual exams the following Wednesday. We're looking forward to seeing how HRT works.

I'd like to know what is making you feel scared/worried. What might have triggered your emotional outburst? What aspects of reality might you have been overlooking?

You will only find hugs, comfort, and compassion here at Susan's Place. No judgment or scolding or criticism as you continue on your own journey.

[JannaLM]

Welcome to Susan's place Bree!

It's a pleasure to have you here and we are all more than willing to help.

I don't exactly have a lot of relationship experience myself, but if you need anything, we are all here for you and your spouse!

[Weselan]

Thank you all for your warm welcome 

I'd like to know what is making you feel scared/worried. What might have triggered your emotional outburst? What aspects of reality might you have been overlooking?

I suppose I'm more worried than scared, and it's al about the unknown. Will we be treated differently once more people know. One major concern is how will our daughter be treated by other kids once she's at school - will she be bullied (kids can be really cruel). Due to my job (I'm a nurse), and my work hours, it will be my husband that will do school drop off and pickup most  of the time.

Another thing is that I never told anyone about R's situation the entire time I've known. So this whole time I've been the one who R has talked to, and 'offloaded' to, but I've not felt comfortable doing the same back, as I haven't wanted to hurt him. I have had moments in the past where some concerns have built up, and I finally worked to the courage to talk to R about them, and have been reassured (would R feel the same way about me with starting HRT; does R want all our wedding photos to be packed away, especially now with starting to transition).

What set me off on the weekend was we had been to the shops and bought some women's clothes, and then R started talking about needing to get leg hair removal. It got me thinking about how I haven't had my hair done in a year and not had my legs waxed for a long time (no time/opportunity with a very clingy 3 year old who prefers mum over dad) and I haven't bought any new clothes for myself for a long time either. We are paying off our mortgage, so money can be tight at times, and I have not treated myself for a long time. Just feeling sorry for myself I suppose.

There was such a quick turnaround of us trying to have a second child, going through a few extremely painful (physically and emotionally) miscarriages to R wanting to transition (and being the organised person he is), wanting to declutter and get rid of all the baby things we had. I felt like I hardly had time to grieve for the loss of potential children, and now I'm having to deal witb the 'loss' of my husband. What also doesn't help is everyone asking if we want to have anymore kids. I can't  say to them, "well we would love to have another child, but we went through IVF to have our daughter, and after nearly 10 rounds without success, a couple of miscarriages, and my husband is transitioning to become a women, so the odds of us having anymore are near impossibie. Thanks for asking!"  I just smile and tell them that 1 is enough, whilst crying on the inside.

Sigh. A lot to process and deal with. I have spoken to R and did that I wanted to speak to a counsellor (maybe both by myself and with him) and he is agreeable.

[Alice V]

Hey Bree!

Nice to meet you It's so great you stay with R and support her, and it's also cool that you decided to join this forum to share your concerns and find some support for yourself. For better efficiency I'd suggest you to check this subforum and maybe post something there

Since I'm lone (and due some other reasons) I might be bad advisor, but I'll try.
Look at this from different side. Imagine that you can now treat yourself together if find some fund for it I believe it would be funny
Did you thought about adopt child?

[Moonflower]

One major concern is how will our daughter be treated by other kids once she's at school - will she be bullied (kids can be really cruel). Due to my job (I'm a nurse), and my work hours, it will be my husband that will do school drop off and pickup most  of the time.

Another thing is that I never told anyone about R's situation the entire time I've known...

What set me off on the weekend was we had been to the shops and bought some women's clothes, and then R started talking about needing to get leg hair removal. It got me thinking about how I haven't had my hair done in a year and not had my legs waxed for a long time...

There was such a quick turnaround of us trying to have a second child... I just smile and tell them that 1 is enough, whilst crying on the inside.

Sigh. A lot to process and deal with. I have spoken to R and did that I wanted to speak to a counsellor (maybe both by myself and with him) and he is agreeable.

Bree, what a tight situation for you to be in, to have no one to talk with except R about his transition! I, too, kept my husband's secret-- for 15 years. I'm really glad to be here to talk about it. I'm glad you're here, too. And hooray for you both agreeing to counseling!

I get how concerned you must be about how this might impact your daughter. Kids certainly can be ghastly mean. But if R somehow triggers bullying, then he's not to blame. Their behavior is not his fault. Bullies are just as likely to find something about you to use against your daughter. Have you considered doing roleplaying with your daughter, to help bully proof her? You could prepare her for the scenarios that you're afraid of, and she could let you know how mean the kids are.

I can understand your having difficulty when you're scrimping on your self-care, and R is excited to catch up on his self-care. That is familiar to me. I want my spouse to be excited about self-care and all, and I want us to be equally committed to our financial plan. Are you happy about how you two manage your money, in general?

I understand that you need time to transition from being an expectant mother to being the mother of just one. I understand that just one of these changes can be overwhelming. I wonder if it's too late for R to have his sperm banked just in case you might want to try again. Either way, when people ask, what if you say something like, "Yes, we'd love to have a house full, but we can't." Completely true, and no blame. And you get to express some of the sadness that might be trapped in you.

Dear Bree, I hope that I said something that might help.

[Jessica_Rose]

I don't know if this will help at all... My wife and I got married in 1984. She discovered that I occasionally cross-dressed within our first few years of marriage, but it never seemed to bother her. I also bought women's clothing on occasion, and again she turned a blind eye. When I told her I was transgender in Feb 2017, she was mad as hell. We didn't talk about it, and for months we often slept in separate bedrooms. I told her many times that I would understand if she wanted to leave me, but she stayed. It took her about 16 months to finally realize that our life together would be better than it had ever been in the past. Neither of us signed up for this, and it has not been an easy road for either of us. After a very long absence, my wife's laughter has returned, along with her smile. She is also taking better care of herself now. She still won't hold my hand in public, but I don't push it. This takes more patience than most people realize, on both sides. Maybe I can convince my wife to join the forums, let her know that her experience could help others.

[Moonflower]

Maybe I can convince my wife to join the forums, let her know that her experience could help others.

Yes! That would be great!