Although I am out to almost everyone, there is one more group of people who do not know about my transition -- the friends and relatives we exchange Christmas cards with. Instead of waiting for the inevitable dead-naming, I have decided to perform a pre-emptive strike. Within the next few days this letter, along with photos of my wife and I, will be on the way to the folks we exchange holiday cards with. I must give credit to Steph2.0, most of the final paragraph was shamelessly copied from one of her letters! This may be TMI for some of the recipients, but maybe it will help a few of them understand.
Susan and I are still happily married after over 34 years, and both of our daughters are doing well. We have some important information we needed to share before the holidays to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Here is the short version -- on February 5, 2018 I changed my legal name and gender. I am now Jessica Rose.
For most of my life I have known I was different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. In my early teens social and family pressures forced me to suppress who I am. This led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased throughout the years. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding below the surface. My family suffered through increasing levels of anger for decades. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. Trivial issues could trigger fits of rage. Few people ever saw my dark side, but those who did were concerned.
In December 2016 I found a site where others like me shared their personal journeys. I was fascinated because I saw my life mirrored in so many of their stories: the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I continued reading I had an epiphany -- I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. I finally understood. All my life I had been trying to live by a set of rules which were not designed for me. I discussed my revelation with a doctor and a therapist and they both agreed -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or allowing myself to find peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. It was a simple, yet terrifying choice. By choosing this path I knew I could lose everyone that I held most dear -- my wife, my daughters, my family, and my friends. Try to imagine how much pain someone must be experiencing to make this choice, knowing what could be lost.
I started this chapter of my life in March 2017. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have found my path to peace and happiness. On February 16, 2018, I said 'goodbye' to my former self and 'hello' to a world where I live openly as the woman I have always been. I spent over forty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection. Now I have released my soul from darkness and allowed her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again.
Not many things can change someone's life more than switching genders, and I realize this is hard to understand -- it took me over 40 years to figure out. This has been a difficult and painful process, but I know I am on the right path. The changes I experienced have gone far beyond my expectations. My constant anger and frustration are gone as I had hoped, but I now see the world differently. I'm not the same person that I used to be.
As far as my name goes there are several options - 'Jessica', 'Jessie', or 'Jess'. I realize it may take a while to get used to using my new name, I am still getting used to it myself. The most hurtful thing you can do when someone transitions is to use their old 'dead' name. It is an exceptionally painful reminder of the tortured shell we left behind. Please note, any correspondence with my 'dead' name will be destroyed upon receipt.
I know there will be questions, so here are a few answers...
- Susan and I are staying together, we are still in love.
- We have the support of our entire family, including my parents.
- My legal name is Jessica Rose, our daughters helped choose it.
- My driver's license indicates my gender as 'Female'.
- All of my friends and co-workers accept me as a woman.
- This is a gender issue, it has nothing to do with sex or lifestyle.
When some people learn about my transition they assume that I am attracted to men. This is not the case. I played that role for over 50 years and didn't like it, so why would I want to date one? The love Susan and I share transcends gender.
With all the good friends I have and after decades of chaos, there is no reason for me to tolerate any negativity. I will no longer allow society and closed-minded people to dictate the way I live my life. I will exercise the right I have earned as a human being who has tried to live a good life, who has always tried to treat other people with dignity and respect, who knows without question that this is the right thing to do, to live a complete, authentic life. I refuse to leave this world before I have fully lived. I will reject those from my life who do not accept me. I will embrace and love with all my heart those who do, I hope you are among them.
