Why can’t my crossdressing fiancé be more like a woman?

[Devlyn]

Hi everyone just read through this and I feel my Wife would say alot of what Grad0507 says she would have related to a year or two back.

If I can recommend one book, My husband Betty by Helen Crow. It's good and helpful.

Lady Sarah makes a very good point. Some people are cross dressers and have no desire to transition.
As such they won't change behaviors or feel a reason to do so.   For what it's worth, see if your husband has adult ADHD as bits of what you describe sound similar to me, and it's not unusual for cross dressers or trans women to have other psychological differences to others.
My best advice is he finds a good therapist and is honest. This may take time as it's not easy to find one you get on with.

About male female behaviors it's fascinating to think of where the line between conformity to social roles and biological thought patterns and behaviours come in.
For example, I have 4 kids. 2 of them exhibit behaviour that some more Conservative parents would say is typical of the opposite gender. My Wife and I would just see it as part of who they are and no indication of any discomfort with their gender.
I do feel that Men and Women can be anything they want, however to get by in society at some point we have to find a group or some way to survive and so adapt and conform a little or alot.

My take on this is, some people are happy to be cross dressers and that's great. Some want more. Also people can change. Humans are complex... What we feel now can change.
I struggled with gender for years and now come to a point where I identity as Transgender Female. Not everyone will.
For example I do not want HRT or much done beyond a little face work and continued electrolysis , so in expression of trans identity there's variance. We live in enlightened times in regards to what It means to be trans or a cross dresser.

I think it's great that there are Wives out there who are supportive, and it shows society is moving forwards.
I also hope the needs of these Wives are acknowledged and that as much as possible couples try to work together and stay together.

Take Care
Alexa.

Not that good of a point. One does not need to transition to be transgender. We should try to teach an understanding of everyone in our community and all the diversity it encompasses.

Transgender: an inclusive umbrella term which covers anyone who transcends their birth gender for any reason. This includes but is not limited to Androgynes, Crossdressers, Drag kings, Drag queens, Intersexuals, Transsexuals, and Transvestites.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Alexa Ares]

Honestly Devlyn did you really need to make that post?
Just seems very nitpicky and unhelpful.
Does it add anything?
Or does it make the wife of a person who is exploring their identity feel less inclined to engage on the grounds that she may say the wrong thing and be shunned... When this lady could do with support and advice.

At times there's a real streak through this site of middle America and the military. It's not very inclusive.
There's also elements of a lack of understanding of Cis Women..maybe if they did, they may find transition that bit easier......

I mean in my view all you have done is pick up on the one line and not comment on any of the other bits which relate to the more significant issues. I also reserve the right to think for myself!


Further while one can feel transgender without transition, to not actually transition would make it hard for them to be seen as Trans. Also do we define people by thoughts or actions? I would say actions as to actually do something does show someone is willing to take on the harsh reality of change.

I would say If someone does not transition good luck being seen as Transgender. Further being just a cross dresser and not feeling transgender is fine and it's a valid comment for me to make.
. I would personally say cross dressers are likely to have gender dysphoria. And as such can be seen as GENDER DSYPHORIC not Transgender.....

Mic Drop.......    (IF Any of you know a single person of colour you may get this reference if not try to educate yourself a bit on real diversity..... It ain't all about white trans women of middle age who go to church)

Alexa.

[Devlyn]

Actually, I thought I was pointing out the simple fact that if they seek out support in the real world, they might be alienating folks by saying crossdressers aren't transgender.

Now pick up that mic, showoff. Littering isn't cool.

[Alexa Ares]

Not really as in the REAL world 95-99% of people are Cis, and while many are sympathetic to our feelings, they do not generally go around worrying about if every word they say is up to date with the ever changing whims of Transgender as a Identity interpretation. Nor should they.

Further, How do you class the likes of Grayson Perry or others who openly state they are Cross Dressers but do NOT have GD?  Food for Thought.
Lets talk throw Drag Queens in? Many of them openly state they are Male, and do not feel Trans.....Yet clearly they Cross Dress! Ive had ex BFs and Friends who would dress up regularly so to meet Guys for Fun or Money, yet would be very blunt when we spoke that they did not feel a ounce of Trans Identity in their body!

  Crossdressers MAY in time feel Trans. They May not. They are not Trans though unless they openly State I Alexa, identify as Trans Female. Otherwise however pretty they are they are happy in their male ID.

I feel its not good to force them CDs, to say they are Trans, as otherwise, what are we saying, that to Be a CD for comfort or Sex is wrong, but as long as you say you are Trans its all good, as thats legit and the other isnt?



In the REAL world, I go places tell them my name is Alexa, no one really bats a eyelid, despite my Mascara (lol), and my identity may or may not come up. Maybe its just me, however, Ive not had any issues since coming out that I did not beforehand, or have not had in other ways before. Prehaps Not being so Straight in the past, has shaped me somewhat.

As for being a Show Off, I sometimes feel on here, Im one of the few who offers an alternate to merely following whatever viewpoint we are told to feel by Left wing Academics, who may or may not be somewhat misogynistic in their outlook on Cis Women.
I reserve the right to say what I think ,as I trying at times to offer some help to others, or at other times looking for some advice, and that can only really be done if one is honest.

Prehaps I think a bit more for myself,  as before coming out as Trans, I had at various points IDed as Straight Male, Bi Sexual Male, Gay Male, and Cross dresser Male.   Try being seen as Gay. Its a eye opener.

School is over for the day!
Good day, as they say in England.

Lets get back to SO talk and trying to help SOs rather than Trans bickering.  I LOVE these Cis Wives who try with Us. Their feelings are in my view a bit more important than this conversation!

Alexa.

[Gertrude]

Hi everyone just read through this and I feel my Wife would say alot of what Grad0507 says she would have related to a year or two back.

If I can recommend one book, My husband Betty by Helen Crow. It's good and helpful.

Lady Sarah makes a very good point. Some people are cross dressers and have no desire to transition.
As such they won't change behaviors or feel a reason to do so.   For what it's worth, see if your husband has adult ADHD as bits of what you describe sound similar to me, and it's not unusual for cross dressers or trans women to have other psychological differences to others.
My best advice is he finds a good therapist and is honest. This may take time as it's not easy to find one you get on with.

About male female behaviors it's fascinating to think of where the line between conformity to social roles and biological thought patterns and behaviours come in.
For example, I have 4 kids. 2 of them exhibit behaviour that some more Conservative parents would say is typical of the opposite gender. My Wife and I would just see it as part of who they are and no indication of any discomfort with their gender.
I do feel that Men and Women can be anything they want, however to get by in society at some point we have to find a group or some way to survive and so adapt and conform a little or alot.

My take on this is, some people are happy to be cross dressers and that's great. Some want more. Also people can change. Humans are complex... What we feel now can change.
I struggled with gender for years and now come to a point where I identity as Transgender Female. Not everyone will.
For example I do not want HRT or much done beyond a little face work and continued electrolysis , so in expression of trans identity there's variance. We live in enlightened times in regards to what It means to be trans or a cross dresser.

I think it's great that there are Wives out there who are supportive, and it shows society is moving forwards.
I also hope the needs of these Wives are acknowledged and that as much as possible couples try to work together and stay together.

Take Care
Alexa.

The author is Helen Boyd. Another good book is she's not there by Jennifer Finney Boylan.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Angelic]

The challenges we are having in our relationship have more to do with gender differences in that he can't multitask (and gets easily overwhelmed with 1/100th of what I can do on a daily basis) and rarely ever sends me emails. I guess when he fantasizes about being female I fantasize about it too, but I doubt a name change and hormones will fix that. If it could then our marriage would be smooth sailing.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know some transsexuals who can't multitask. Not trying to embarass so I wont say who it is. But when I get in my Female mind Mode I try to relax and enjoy being feminine, then they ruin it with a loud male voice. Kinda like my dad when hes watching football and I can't talk to him cause its like he can't hear anything.

That being said, I can kinda multitask. Not that I want to. Id rather just be lazy and lay on the couch. Because working hard all day and multitasking makes me feel masculine and male. Like im in a frenzy to gather money and resources. And it stresses me out.

Its kind of confusing. Because when I'm playing videogames I can talk to people and have conversations at the same time. My dad can't. And some transsexuals I know can't. It's hard to say whats male and whats female. Because science says that males have better reflexes. Someone with better reflexes would have an easier time multitasking. So its hard to say.

[BlueJaye]

I have not taken the time to read through every single reply, so I apologize if this has already been covered. Is your husband on HRT? On HRT I notice a strong increase in ability to focus mentally. I read through the first page of responses and saw some suggestions that maybe your husband is really just a cross dresser and not truly transgender. That is possible, but I still wonder about hormonal issues. My wife really noticed the difference in my behavior and mental improvement on HRT. I am not the world champion of multi-tasking, but definitely do better on HRT.

[Athenajacob]

Its kind of confusing. Because when I'm playing videogames I can talk to people and have conversations at the same time. My dad can't. And some transsexuals I know can't. It's hard to say whats male and whats female. Because science says that males have better reflexes. Someone with better reflexes would have an easier time multitasking. So its hard to say.

This was my first thought too, along with why are you concerned? It sounds more like you are doing business with your fiancee (ie. in corporate speak you are remiss in their lack of "responsiveness"). My cisgender wife rarely answers the phone, let alone email, but she does text--maybe the mode of communication is the problem? Maybe their emails do not notify them on their phone? Maybe they just are not big fans of tech, etc.

Also are you working with them in a business? If so this is a different matter entirely, I mean working with your spouse! That can unwind the tightest of bonds

Moreover, you mentioned you hope they will transition to become better at a specific task--it seems like you would be open to it for other reasons too, but I highly recommend you consider all that your fiancee transitioning would mean. Medical care, costs, bodily changes, etc. If you hope for all that Godspeed, but educate both of yourselves first to avoid heartbreak (or at least acknowledge the possibilities prior to marriage, or even hold off on marriage until after the transition?) Also plan for practical stuff like fertility (if of concern you can use a sperm bank to ensure you can have children post-HRT).

Good luck!

[KimOct]

I just came over here browsing and got interested in this thread.  I have agreements and disagreements with some of the viewpoints but I don't want to get in the weeds.  I am a visitor here.  The one thing I will single out agreement with is where Alexa points out our somewhat homogeneous nature as a group.  We do tend to be a lot of middle age white transwomen.  I do think as part of a marginalized community we need to embrace empathy for all groups.

Finally my point before getting out of here since I do not have an SO.  Thank you to all the SO's  that are here.  I think that it is amazing that you are here whether it be to support or at least try to understand.  Good for you !!

[Monica]

I don't think it's a gender thing. There are really only two kinds of people in this world. Those who can't multi-task, and those that multi-task badly. I work in a fast paced industry, in a technical field, with a lot of details. When I was younger, I naturally multi-tasked a lot. Entirely too much, and as a result, there were always things I had to go back and revisit, because doing anything well requires focus. It's not about how much you think you're getting done (you're nowhere near as productive as you think you are), but how well you do it. There have been plenty of studies on this. I'm not out of line for pointing it out.

[Linde]

I am so bad in multitasking that I have to turn the car radio off, when critical traffic situations come up.  I am an extremely single issue person

[Alexa Ares]

I am so bad in multitasking that I have to turn the car radio off, when critical traffic situations come up.  I am an extremely single issue person

I am the same. I have to turn car radio off if theres some serious traffic or tell kids please be quiet in the back of the Car. Ive been diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD is probably under diagnosed in Cis Women, hence the idea that multi tasking is something Cis women are always better at.  I think multi tasking capacity and gender are not as linked as thought, however ADHD and a lack of multi tasking brilliance is a very clear link.

Ps, I hope your Orchi went well.

[Alexa Ares]

I just came over here browsing and got interested in this thread.  I have agreements and disagreements with some of the viewpoints but I don't want to get in the weeds.  I am a visitor here.  The one thing I will single out agreement with is where Alexa points out our somewhat homogeneous nature as a group.  We do tend to be a lot of middle age white transwomen.  I do think as part of a marginalized community we need to embrace empathy for all groups.

Finally my point before getting out of here since I do not have an SO.  Thank you to all the SO's  that are here.  I think that it is amazing that you are here whether it be to support or at least try to understand.  Good for you !!

Hi Kim, thank you for your comment. I am trying myself to be more understanding of what I see as a White Middle Class Middle Aged Trans Female group, however it is not easy. I understand the likes of me may not be too easy for them.
I have spent my adult life dating / marrying ethnic cis women, and despite being Caucasian, feel at times I have more in common with these ladies, and that they show me more love and acceptance than my own race.

It is nice to see different viewpoints and I would love to see more Trans of Colour on here, particually Gynephillic Black and Latin TGs, who almost seem to not exist openly which is very Sad as there are likely to be many in the closet.

[Grad0507]

This sounds a little like the non binary, more specifically gender fluid/bi gender. It would be something you might want to look into because somebody who is in the non binary may find it a bit more difficult getting a correct diagnosis. Not all doctors are trained in or understand the non binary so you have to find the answers that the doctor may not be aware of.

I do think he's more non-binary than trans.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Grad0507]

Most of us here would love to have a partner like you, who not only accepts us, but encourages us.  Do you do anything to help her with this?

I've taught my SO how to do makeup.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Grad0507]

This was my first thought too, along with why are you concerned? It sounds more like you are doing business with your fiancee (ie. in corporate speak you are remiss in their lack of "responsiveness"). My cisgender wife rarely answers the phone, let alone email, but she does text--maybe the mode of communication is the problem? Maybe their emails do not notify them on their phone? Maybe they just are not big fans of tech, etc.

Also are you working with them in a business? If so this is a different matter entirely, I mean working with your spouse! That can unwind the tightest of bonds

Moreover, you mentioned you hope they will transition to become better at a specific task--it seems like you would be open to it for other reasons too, but I highly recommend you consider all that your fiancee transitioning would mean. Medical care, costs, bodily changes, etc. If you hope for all that Godspeed, but educate both of yourselves first to avoid heartbreak (or at least acknowledge the possibilities prior to marriage, or even hold off on marriage until after the transition?) Also plan for practical stuff like fertility (if of concern you can use a sperm bank to ensure you can have children post-HRT).

Good luck!

We met at work, but it's really that it's still a challenge managing weekends because I have to constantly remind him of what we're doing and how long the activities will take.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Grad0507]

I am the same. I have to turn car radio off if theres some serious traffic or tell kids please be quiet in the back of the Car. Ive been diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD is probably under diagnosed in Cis Women, hence the idea that multi tasking is something Cis women are always better at.  I think multi tasking capacity and gender are not as linked as thought, however ADHD and a lack of multi tasking brilliance is a very clear link.

Ps, I hope your Orchi went well.

I am getting the idea that maybe it's an ADHD thing. Does that also affect memory?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Grad0507]

Hi Kim, thank you for your comment. I am trying myself to be more understanding of what I see as a White Middle Class Middle Aged Trans Female group, however it is not easy. I understand the likes of me may not be too easy for them.
I have spent my adult life dating / marrying ethnic cis women, and despite being Caucasian, feel at times I have more in common with these ladies, and that they show me more love and acceptance than my own race.

It is nice to see different viewpoints and I would love to see more Trans of Colour on here, particually Gynephillic Black and Latin TGs, who almost seem to not exist openly which is very Sad as there are likely to be many in the closet.

Our mutual friend was a black TG, but recently detransitioned.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk